#terap

[seafearing]

got denied disability because "there is not enough evidence of my disability". looked at the papers, rated 51 for ocd. looked up what that meant. over 21 is evidence of severe ocd. i'm over double severe ocd, baby

it's funny...

also since ive been approved for extensive rehab that u only get when ur so unwell u cannot function at home, essentially they are saying: u can't shower but damn if u can do a 9-5

it's just funny. what else can you say. hilarious

[seafearing]

waiting for my therapist to come online after a month is kind of anxiety inducing

yay worst month of my life let's get into it

[seafearing]

i'll just dear diary today

the muscle relaxants really took me out so i was like, floating myself to acute psychiatry. brain just filled with fog and my jaw and face hurting so much it was difficult to talk

they were supposed to start the process of placing my problems today. but because she asked and i told her that i'd self-harmed the week before when i was sitting in smoke for several hours again, we had to u-turn and talk about that instead, which was pretty terrible all around. where do i cut, how deep, with what, what triggered it, it's just not at all a good time to think about that

and so then, i'm still kind of feeling that u-turn. i had to tell her that i don't deal well with something being changed on the spot, it feels painful for my brain. so i was even more out of it through the whole self-harm interrogation. i just hate talking about it, it's just whatever and i don't know how i'll stop since it's the smoke in my apartment that's causing me to be so sick, and i can't change my circumstances on the fly. i'm trying to change them so bad but it's so fucking difficult to do so while in a completely untenable living situation

floated myself back home, got a chocolate croissant and small salad. came home and watched my soaps and my phone rang and it made me very anxious and annoyed, another interruption from what i'd planned to do. ventilated the apartment while taking into accordance that neighbor started to smoke at 16.00 the day before

and then my brain just went offline. i stopped ventilating and just fell asleep on the spot for like an hour and saw this nightmare about my phone ringing and all these apartments being arranged. then in huge stress arranged five apartment showings, dealing with like 7 people's timetables, called the person back. almost cried. now waiting to see when i can open my window next and whether i should tape down the ventilation, whether it's windy enough that i can keep it like it is rn. the air is abysmal in my apartment but i can't open my windows... i don't have any clean clothes left, so i've been buying new clothes for the past few weeks. i'm out of socks. i don't know when i can dry laundry for the smoke. i should eat. i'm just exhausted

idk going to therapy 3x a week and seeing 5 apartments a week pretending like i'm not fundamentally broken and making decisions about where i'll live every day. it's just all... getting to a point where idk how much i can take anymore. i'm just very unwell. this neighbor is making me just incredibly, incredibly unwell. they've been steadily suffocating me for a year now and it's killing me. at this point in time it's just, either i leave this apartment in a body bag because i've snapped, or i miraculously find an apartment that works out for me. i keep thinking, truly im the only thing in my apartment worth anything, but it's all just traumatizing me again and again, and idk if i can trust to be safe anywhere anymore. i haven't had a safe apartment in over a decade, and i'm scared that at some point i'll just snap because that's a huge thing to not have in your life, a safe home

sigh. well ig this was a vent.

[seafearing]

after having been in a far more healthy apartment for a week now, i think i can very much conclude that i'm still mentally ill, but that the harshest edges of being unwell come from being forced to live in unsafe and unhealthy environments

obviously, i'm still unwell, since this is just for a month and i have a portion of my belongings with me, and i still don't have or know how much of everything i own will have survived this 3-year nightmare. and i still have to go back to that apartment next month, so obviously my body and mind are reacting to knowing that this is all just temporary and that this isn't my actual home. and trauma doesn't end in a full stop, i'm still experiencing trauma response even when i'm currently safe

but i guess it is something good, to realise that my problems underneath are the same as ever: executive dysfunction from untreated adhd combined with depression and ocd along with physical limitations making it very hard for me to function on the daily. but hey, that's a lot more better than actively suicidal, so i'm taking it

[seafearing]

also, while i'm just venting now,

it is funny that i've been displaying very classic signs of someone going through suicidal behavior. like you could go through the list and get top marks. all the articles say: if someone does these things, don't let them pull back. my best friend has noticed it and activated, not letting me pull back, not guilting me for being heavy, and helping in any way she can to get me to a safer environment where i won't feel like this

my family? well, currently they are all at their cottage having a nice midsummer weekend

none of them have even wished me a good midsummer <3 my mum texted me very stressful things about money though

and i just think that's the classic way to show your loved one that they're loved while they're going through suicidal crisis eating frozen pizza alone semi-homeless on a national holiday

[seafearing]

the thing is though that people like that are scarce, and family like that is scarce. for most people, it is rotten work, and it is too much

i've tried to get my sister to give more of a fuck, basically, but now i'm processing instead that she's given up on me

facts are that she has barely initiated any contact with me for about a year. i've asked her to call me once a month or two months so we could be in contact. i asked her why she's been so distant. and it's been nothing. the most she's initiated communication with me in about 6 months is to text me and ask if i'm watching heated rivalry. well, i wasn't (and i'm not)

i've had this flat for a year, and she's visited once for about 2 hours, arranged by me, before i'd moved in yet. i get that she's a single mum, but there's being busy and then not making any initiative to see your sister in a year. like i feel like that's pretty significant

the funniest thing is that she somehow thinks she's so involved. like no wtf, literally nothing about your life would change if i were dead

and all of this is happening while my neighbors are making my apartment unliveable. i'm out in the streets at 3AM because my neighbor won't let me sleep and rest. like it's a major crisis. obviously i'm going to think that she doesn't give a single flying fuck when she doesn't initiate any contact with me while i'm going through something unimaginably difficult. what other option is there? i'll probably see her next during christmas, if i even go

am i watching heated rivalry

[seafearing]

like maybe i need to go into voluntary psych hold, sure. that sounds like a thing i should be doing with these impulses

but they already told me that they can't accommodate my physical symptoms so then i can't actually stay there, either

there just aren't options for people like me. making an attempt to move for the 6th time in a year is just too much instability and my mind is just a fragile little thing

[seafearing]

experiencing a friend having a contamination ocd episode is an interesting experience. ah, you are doing thing that i do. you are doing thing that i do, but i am not currently doing it. interesting. fascinating. human nature. brains are truly mechanical structures. watching myself from a distance. oh fuck. starting to get trigger- abort abort abort