It's Wordy Wednesday, my dudes! This is a series of posts where we learn about words in the ethical non-monogamy vocabulary.
This week's word is metamour.
(Plus, we'll introduce some BONUS WORDS: Kitchen Table, Garden Party, and Parallel!)
Without looking it up, what do you think "metamour" means?
A love that transcends sexual/romantic/platonic attraction
A new lover (you just "met 'am")
A nonmonogamous relationship with yourself
Your partner's other partner(s)
Voting ended onApr 15
Answer below the cut!
Metamour (noun) is "the name given to your partner's other lover(s)." It's often abbreviated as just "meta".
It's unclear who coined the term, or when it first appeared. Dictionary.com states that it was first recorded between 1995-2000, but the first documented use I could find (in the polyamorous sense, at least) was an entry in the Urban Dictionary in 2004. The word comes from the Greek roots meta meaning "beyond" and amor meaning "love".
Relationships between metamours can look very different depending on the people involved and their preferred level of closeness! There isn't a definitive playbook for non-monogamy. However, there are a few "styles" for handling metamour relationships that are popularly referenced.
First, I'll mention Kitchen Table Polyamory. This style of polyamory encourages close relationships between metamours - close enough that, in the words of the webcomic Kimchi Cuddles, they would "feel comfortable just sitting around the kitchen table in their PJs having coffee." In Kitchen Table Poly, metamours don't necessarily have romantic or sexual relationships with each other (though they can!), but their relationships with each other and with mutual partners are often intertwined.
Another popular style is Parallel Polyamory. In parallel poly, relationships are kept more or less separate, and metamours have little or no contact. This isn't to say they're hostile or even unfamiliar with each other; there's just no expectation that everyone will get together to hang out.
For those who prefer a middle ground, there's Garden Party Polyamory. In this style, metamours have close enough relationships that they can all hang out together a few times a year, but they're not close enough to want to cohabitate (typically). Personally, I like to think of this as "Cookout/Barbecue Polyamory."
(I couldn't find original sources for any of the above terms, though it's worth noting that "Kitchen Table" appears to predate Kimchi Cuddles; KC is often quoted, though, meaning the 2015 comic #452 likely helped popularize the term.)
Like I said, there's no set of rules for how to form relationships with metamours, and not every ENM relationship needs to follow any one of the above styles. In fact, it's possible to have different sorts of relationships between different metamours in the same polycule! Life and love are complex, and people are unique. Folks sometimes try to claim that their way of practicing polyamory is superior to others', but every style of polyamory has benefits and drawbacks. It's important to match your relationship(s)'s style with the needs and desires of its members!
(Sources: WordOrigins.org's article on metamour, Dictionary.com, Urban Dictionary, Ready For Polyamory's Polyamory Glossary, Kimchi Cuddles #452 "Kitchen Table Poly")
