#parallel poly

[this-is-poly-joy]

Another poll because it's fun!

If you're non-monogamous, what's your current relationship style?

ENM / Polyamory (No specific label)

Solo polyamory

Relationship Anarchy

Open relationship

Kitchen table polyamory

Garden party polyamory

Parallel polyamory

Closed polycule / Polyfidelity

Nonamory (Not interested in relationships)

A combination of the above

Something else (Feel free to comment!)

I'm monogamous / Question doesn't apply / Clicky

Voting ended onApr 17

[digital-collage-materials]

[kimchicuddles]

R.I.P., "Jean". I miss sitting around the kitchen table with you TikvaWolf.com Jean was one of my favorite metamours and I miss her. She introduced me to the term "kitchen table poly" while offering me coffee at her own kitchen table. "KTP and Parallel Poly" are terms she helped coin, and they caught on far and wide largely because of her. But the terms shifted, as all terms do, and are now often used to refer to something MANDATORY rather than just describing an authentic connection. "We practice KTP so you're required to spend time with each other." Jean was very inclined toward KTP in her heart, but would NEVER have tried to impose it on someone else. Sometimes I get mad at the way the term is used now, because Jean isn't here to defend her original intent. But I imagine she's laughing at all our human nonsense from heaven.  

[this-is-poly-joy]

Wordy Wednesday: Metamour

It's Wordy Wednesday, my dudes! This is a series of posts where we learn about words in the ethical non-monogamy vocabulary.

This week's word is metamour.

(Plus, we'll introduce some BONUS WORDS: Kitchen Table, Garden Party, and Parallel!)

Without looking it up, what do you think "metamour" means?

A love that transcends sexual/romantic/platonic attraction

A new lover (you just "met 'am")

A nonmonogamous relationship with yourself

Your partner's other partner(s)

Voting ended onApr 15

Answer below the cut!

Metamour (noun) is "the name given to your partner's other lover(s)." It's often abbreviated as just "meta".

It's unclear who coined the term, or when it first appeared. Dictionary.com states that it was first recorded between 1995-2000, but the first documented use I could find (in the polyamorous sense, at least) was an entry in the Urban Dictionary in 2004. The word comes from the Greek roots meta meaning "beyond" and amor meaning "love".

Relationships between metamours can look very different depending on the people involved and their preferred level of closeness! There isn't a definitive playbook for non-monogamy. However, there are a few "styles" for handling metamour relationships that are popularly referenced.

First, I'll mention Kitchen Table Polyamory. This style of polyamory encourages close relationships between metamours - close enough that, in the words of the webcomic Kimchi Cuddles, they would "feel comfortable just sitting around the kitchen table in their PJs having coffee." In Kitchen Table Poly, metamours don't necessarily have romantic or sexual relationships with each other (though they can!), but their relationships with each other and with mutual partners are often intertwined.

Another popular style is Parallel Polyamory. In parallel poly, relationships are kept more or less separate, and metamours have little or no contact. This isn't to say they're hostile or even unfamiliar with each other; there's just no expectation that everyone will get together to hang out.

For those who prefer a middle ground, there's Garden Party Polyamory. In this style, metamours have close enough relationships that they can all hang out together a few times a year, but they're not close enough to want to cohabitate (typically). Personally, I like to think of this as "Cookout/Barbecue Polyamory."

(I couldn't find original sources for any of the above terms, though it's worth noting that "Kitchen Table" appears to predate Kimchi Cuddles; KC is often quoted, though, meaning the 2015 comic #452 likely helped popularize the term.)

Like I said, there's no set of rules for how to form relationships with metamours, and not every ENM relationship needs to follow any one of the above styles. In fact, it's possible to have different sorts of relationships between different metamours in the same polycule! Life and love are complex, and people are unique. Folks sometimes try to claim that their way of practicing polyamory is superior to others', but every style of polyamory has benefits and drawbacks. It's important to match your relationship(s)'s style with the needs and desires of its members!

(Sources: WordOrigins.org's article on metamour, Dictionary.com, Urban Dictionary, Ready For Polyamory's Polyamory Glossary, Kimchi Cuddles #452 "Kitchen Table Poly")

[this-butch-bad]

Starting ENM while married (together 11 years) is wild. Like how the fuck does one date or talk to people? I'm so inexperienced and just want a hot femme to give me all of the attention and ughhh. Wtf is life.

[unbeauchaton]

Not NSFT but I wish my experiences with other polyam folks weren't so drenched with trauma.

My previous ex meta was absolutely selfish and felt so inferior towards me that she often verbally lashed out at my ex partner and was quite passive aggressive with me sometimes. Her behavior then reminds me of how my father acts.

I hope she's improved since then, to give her some benefit of the doubt. Yet, I don't have a very good narrative of her. My ex partner and I are on decent terms and talk once in a while, but my ex partner and my ex meta are spouses and still are married.

I think that because my ex partner and I had a really good, much healthier relationship in contrast to my ex partner and ex meta, this probably fueled some of my ex meta's resentment towards me.

My ex meta really wanted a kitchen table polyamory experience, but I'm much more parallel. Let me meet metas on my own terms, and not rush into being "besties." I don't think any of us knew that consciously then, so I don't hold that against my ex meta.

So any polyam people who stumble across this blog, I'm mainly parallel. This doesn't mean I don't want to meet any future metas! I just want to befriend them on my own time and terms.

[imustbeamermaidrango]

Surefire way to ensure I'll be parallel poly is to pressure me to be kitchen table poly.

Allow me to build an authentic connection (it's going to take a while) and I'll be your friend for life. Get huffy about how we're not as close as you'd like to be and I'm running the fuck away from you.

My guard is way up now to over-zealous friendliness. The anxiety I've experienced in the past over disappointing a metamour's expectations of me has turned me right off accepting that kinda immediate love...my main experience has been that it comes loaded with conditions.

There's an odd self-sabotage in upholding ones guards but I'm not sure as an HSP I can live this any differently. I'm just destined to get along with other sensitives/introverts who get it and know not to take my need for space personally.

[kimchicuddles]

Do you prefer parallel poly, kitchen table poly, or something else?