Terrie: It’s Personal
“I don’t like him.”
“I don’t like him either.” No, you never did like him.
“But I love him.”
“Wait, what? What do you mean you love him?”
“I hate him.”
“How can you dislike him and love him and hate him at the same time, Terrie?”
“I don’t know.” Bucky never did know what to say to me about my love life. Him and I kept everything personal separate from one another: everything except for my relationships. It made sense, considering he was always there to see it all unfold. He was always there.
“Hey, don’t touch her!”
“Just back off, Man.”
“Hey, stop!”
“What about Steve?” Bucky asked, but I could tell he was asking something else.
“I-” I love him too. “I can’t like him, not like that.”
“But you do, right? That’s why you and Grant don’t work.”
“Grant and I.. We function in a special way.”
“Yeah, an especially fucked up way. Just saying.” I started laughing, looking down and questioning the decisions I’d made to put me where I was. Surely, I hadn’t screwed up everything. Steve was still speaking with me, so that was a start.
“What do you want me to say?” I asked. Bucky was frustrated with me, looked right through me and saw each clear-cut lie I made, but he did his best to contain his anger, just for me. He knew I hated it. He knew I saw enough of it.
“I want you to say you’ll admit to Steve you don’t want him dating anyone but you.” It took a moment of staring at Bucky, but I’d managed to laugh again. Always laughing. Not many people got along with him, but he was charming in his own ways, and I loved him for it.
“You and me both.” I didn’t touch my salad, but I knew Bucky would say something. You eat when Steve’s around. And, I would do anything for Steve, I’d say. I would just fuel Bucky’s flame, if I did say anything.
Bucky didn’t mention it, but he stared for a prolonged period of time, thinking I’d do something about it before tossing the wasted salad away. It was a small portion, anyway.
“I just want you and Steve to be happy.”
“Steve being your main concern.” I tried to walk away, but Bucky wouldn’t live with himself if he’d let me go with the statement. Instead, he grabbed my arm and forced me to stay, looking apologetic for snagging my arm quickly, but fierce in how much me believed his next statement.
“Or maybe I can care for more than just my best friend. What is wrong with you today?”
“I’ve not been feeling well,” I responded meekly. Much like any other day recently, this was true. It was one of the main reasons I’d been avoiding everyone, especially Steve.
“Did Grant do something?”
“What? No,” I assured Bucky. He didn’t seem all that assured, but I knew I had to try. It was hard convincing Bucky of something I didn’t even believe in. I know what you’re thinking, I thought, but it wasn’t like that. Not this time.
“Then what’s biting your ass?” I could have told him anything, and he wouldn’t have believed it. I chose to walk silently, giving him that stressed look of you’re-going-to-make-me-late-for-my-next -class. “Terrie,” he urged on. He sighed what I thought was a sigh of defeat, but he followed me and continued to try and get into my personal matters.
“Is it embarrassing? Did you do something stupid? Was Steve involved? Tell me anything.”
“Steve wasn’t involved.”
“Okay,” Bucky started, and he’d taken a deep breath before pushing me even further, itching to break our silent agreement about personal space. You’ll break me, and you’ll change everything, I thought. He went on anyway.
“Are you not feeling well mentally or physically?” For a moment, I was fine walking in silence, but my thoughts were vultures, and he’d put me out to die. Without realizing, I’d stopped walking. Then, I was fighting to keep from crying.
“Both,” I murmured. I didn’t think I would win.
“Both?” I didn’t think Bucky would get it, but he was observant, seeing the way I held myself up, the way I spoke about relationships, the way I’d refused to eat.. He knew before I could cover up the truth with another lie. How could I cover up everything?
“Terrie,” Bucky began slowly. “I don’t want to ask..” He would ask anyway. “Did you and Grant have sex?” He paused, waiting for a response from me, but I couldn’t do anything. Not now. “You’re not..”
“Terrie!” Paisley called, and she made an effort to catch up with us. Personal business could wait.