i just feel. confined. a little bit by circumstances (poor, family) but mostly by the narrative i keep in my own head about myself. its so common for me to not do something bc im "not that kind of person" or it feels "out of character" which objectively is so dumb, actions define character not the other way around, but its how i feel for some reason
im sure part of that is because whenever i do something "out of character" i get unwanted attention (ie Any attention, even positive attention) which draws me into uncomfortable social interactions. like i never want to do anything new or different bc im scared people will say something (again, even positive things are unwanted, i do not wish to be perceived or talked to, it stresses me out)
and this applies to individual actions but also the general trajectory of my life. which is very limiting bc the "kind of person" i think i am (or i guess the person i think Other People think i am) is boring as fuck. they stay inside all day and only do whats absolutely necessary and waste time either doomscrolling or feeling bad abt themself. theyre lazy and quiet. they do not go out and have fun, they do not have friends, they do not have a life. they go to work and sleep too much and thats it
but thats not who i actually am??? and thats becoming increasingly more obvious bc my heart or whatever wont shut the fuck up
