Narrative Power Rankings: August 5, 2015
Three things missing from MLS this year: Steve Zakuani pre-roll ads, Chivas USA tarps, and narrative power rankings. The Open Wide For Some Soccer team brings you power rankings for the storylines, memes, and narratives that have been bouncing around Major League Soccer this week.
1. Don't Judge A DP By His First 30 Minutes
After a 30-minute-long debut that showed plenty of promise, Andrea Pirlo got his first start for NYCFC last weekend, and it wasn’t pretty. Pirlo led the game in giveaways; it’s almost like he’s never played shortstop before. Go figure.
And after waiting for over one calendar year, Frank Lapmard was available for NYCFC's home loss to Montreal. He jogged around slowly and looked pretty winded for nearly 60 minutes - and then was finally substituted on. The Narrative Power Rankings Kleptocracy is just glad we got a decent Anchorman tifo from the Hearts of Oak out of it.
2. Brotherly Love Headline Goes Here
Well done, MLS script writers! You got RBNY to sign the other Wright-Phillips brother, and then had his first game in Philadelphia, where he fed the game winner to his family member. Sports writers in the soccer bubble were coming up with puns three days prior to the match, and you did not let them down. Now can you get back to making sure Philadelphia goalkeeping jokes are still plentiful?
3. Cry Me A River In 4.5 Years
Brad Evans took to the media this week to get sad about the new CBA. "When we all look back at this CBA, it wasn’t what we wanted," he pouted, despite the fact that the Union went all-out for free agency and were happy with the ridiculous conditions that came with it. "But come four-and-a-half more years, we’re going to have to put our foot down," he groused, ignoring that the Union reps had very clearly blinked when they had the option to strike this year. "We’ve also got to be more aware of what we want and the tactics on how to get that. We’ll be more prepared next time around," he sighed, basically acknowledging that the Union utterly failed its membership.
4. Sans Penedo
Jamie Penedo leaves because of a contract dispute. We just feel bad for Cozmo. That crazy alien doesn't deserve more heartbreak.
5. Are You Not Entertained?
In a match that would best be described as “one for the soccer haters,” D.C. and RSL combined for 10 goals - and three verifiable golazos. We’re pretty sure Don Garber watches the highlights in a dark living room, slapping his naked chest and shouting "YEAH GARBS".
6. Shit Banter, m8
Seattle/Portland is the Drake/Meek Mill of MLS. Both are already popular, no one cares about them shit talking each other, and they could be doing a whole lot better than poop emojis. This never would’ve happened if Shane Evans was still alive.
7. #TFCursed
Leave it to TFC to get linked to a potential coaching change while they're sitting in a pretty good position to finally make the playoffs. You can take the locker room out of TFC, but you can't take the TFC out of the locker room.
8. Not One Santos But Two
Turns out the LA Galaxy’s Duck Tales-esque swimming pool of gold coins also has a few pesos in it. The long rumored signing of Mexican international Giovani Dos Santos became a reality this week, as the Galaxy secured their seventh -- or is it eighth -- DP? Oh well, I’m sure MLS will figure it out somehow.
9. The Drogfather Arrives, and Jack Mac Departs
After four years of linking him to effectively every team in MLS, Didier Drogba arrived in Montreal. But he only got there because Chicago pulled off a "sign and trade", which means that Chicago had - and then gave away - their first DP in ages that would've actually performed like a DP.
Then Montreal promptly sent Jack McInerney away to Columbus, which lead to a level of muffled snickering from the MLS press corps who recall his rather hasty departure from Philadelphia. Ask your friends. Maybe they know.
10. Waylay Your Kids
D.C. United announced this past week that they’ve officially partnered with Populous (the same firm that’s built nearly every other modern SSS in MLS) to design and construct their new stadium. They also released some new renderings that make the joint look a bit less like Sporting Park and a bit more like a glorified high school stadium.
Not to leave the DCU Disappointment Counter at 1, news broke later in the week that they’ve cut their academy budget in half to funnel resources towards their new facility. Don't worry about the kids who might've been the core of their future rosters: word is that former academy prospects get first dibs for concessions jobs at the new stadium.