Grimoire Blog #3 - 10/18/25 @ 3:45pm, Saturday
_reflections on my beaten path_
Once again doing a diary-style blog for no reason other than it feels like when I play solo on an MMORPG (running around a vast world with other real humans doing their own things while I go about my business) and I'd like to shout into the void. I am well aware that the internet is forever, so I'm basically giving into part of the dilemma I'm about to dissect before I even look at it, but this is where I feel like rambling today.
I want to post about my practice, but I am terrified of being perceived. "Why not just do it in a physical diary?" one may ask, I just have no good answer. Maybe it's because my hands cramp up, or that I can't sit still for long enough, or that my handwriting can't keep up with my stream of thoughts. Plus I fear it's dangerous, especially now, to post about Pagan spirituality and religion online in general. But I have already done so for years and the folks who would care already have plenty of evidence to run with, so that shouldn't be my concern. Outside of that, if I only speak about these things with myself I fear creating an echo chamber where the only voices present are mine. I know no human is an island, not one of us holds all of the answers, especially not me. Then there is a fear of my path being debated, which should be a non-issue, no one is to walk it but me. Then I worry I am simply too unstructured to put it all into words. Maybe it is meant to be for me and no one else? Who knows.
But outside of this, if I am meant to find my place in the world, maybe this compass points inward.
I asked my uncle on a recent family trip what he thought of my feeling that I was constantly running at an invisible stone wall. He asked me, "What is inside of you that is getting in the way?" and I still have yet to find an answer.
Well, actually, I've found a myriad of answers, just no solutions, no tool or weapon to break through this wall. I have deep wounds from a past I fear separates me from the gods I love. I am weary of working, weary of searching. It feels like I've spawned in an unfamiliar forest, with a task to find an antidote to something, but no clues as to what I'm looking for, nor an idea to what exactly it is I need to heal. I can stare at these old wounds every day, but I still don't know what caused each of them, and how to care for them best. Hell, worse, I don't know if it matters.
The amount of answers I've found in this lifetime have been vast, but I've unravelled as many threads as I've woven. My hands are tired, and so is my mind. How am I so young and left feeling like I'm running out of thread? Am I just blind to it all?
My gods have not left me. I know that. But in all of these years I've yet to be consistent in my connections. I had excuses then, what now? Where do I go from here? Have I handled so much lack that I don't know how to hold on anymore? What do I do with the beginnings of abundance? How do I keep moving on? Where do I go from here?
I am okay with being directionless, but I am tired of feeling stuck. Here's to hoping I find a way. 🍻✨
