—the fernweh saga (pre-canon timeline after mc left fernweh)
— olive beckham & jane corvin
a series of unsent letters sent by olive in her teenage years to her first love jane corvin
Dear Hi Jane,
I miss you so much. It physically hurt me to think about you when I feel so far away from your presence. Now that I'm far away from you I actually realize how much you brightened my days. It's stupid, I should be focusing on looking ahead not back to my childhood. I can't help it.
This lady at the social service told me to write my feelings to a piece of paper and maybe thinking about what I wanna say to your face instead of sending this to you is a better therapy. I don't even know what to say to them.
I'm supposed to start school next week and all I can think about is how I won't see you every morning in our meeting spot.
I just feel so stupid.
I miss you.
-Your Olive
Hey Jane,
This school is bigger than I imagined. They actually have a music club with a very good piano, like the one I kept talking to you about. Verner would be so jealous.
This one girl named Lizzie showed me around, she was friendly. She just looked too much like you, spoke all soft like you used to. I hate her. I know it's not fair.
I feel like everyone on the school knows who I am. The girl who's parents died and had to be shipped of to this place. I could feel their whispers down my back. I don't like it.
I hope you're having a better time than I am.
-Your Olive
~
Hi Jane,
Lizzie forced me to join the music club. I said yes. I don't know why I said that. I guess I'm not used to being alone as I say. The teacher was really nice and supportive. She asked me to play a song on the piano.
I started playing the song you liked the most. The one where I played all night that one time and you loved it. Called me the most talented girl you knew. I still can hear your voice sometimes. I wonder when I will forget it.
I hope I don't.
The teacher really liked the song by the way. She said that I could play in the school recital at the end of this year. I said I would think about performing.
What's the point of performing if there is no one in the audience that I know?
I hope you're doing well.
-Your Olive
~
Hi Jane,
I actually have friends now. Can you believe it? Of course none of them could ever compare to you but they are cool. Most of them are from the music club and they actually understand when I ramble about music theory.
It still hurts sometimes. I still have nightmares but I don't wake up crying my mom's name anymore. Is that bad? Does that mean I'm forgetting about it? I don't want to, I just want to forget about the pain. I miss everyone in Fernweh, hell even Verner sometimes.
I miss you.
I'm supposed to go hang out with them in an hour. I don't know if it's good for me to be writing to you like that.
Especially when you're never gonna read this.
- Your Olive
~
Hey,
This girl asked me out. She's cute, I think. One of Lizzie's friends that she introduced me to and she has the same interests as me.
I just kinda froze? I don't know how to like someone other than you. I only imagined I would go on dates with you, not her. It sounds pathetic because I could never really say how I really felt. There is still a 'jane' void next to my heart.
But I said yes to her. I don't know why. I needed to try to feel that spark again. We haven't gone out yet. I just wanted to tell you about it.
It feels stupid because you're not gonna read this. I wonder if you have someone in your life too. I don't blame it if you do. You are Jane Corvin, the kindest, the most beautiful person in this world.
God, I'm such a loser. I'm sorry.
I guess I should go get ready now.
I hope you are really happy.
-Your (??) Olive
~
Hey,
It's been 3 years since the last time I wrote to you. I don't know why I stopped. Hell, I don't even know why I'm writing to you right now. I wanted to say goodbye.
I'm graduating high school. I managed to get a scholarship in a college that is halfway across the state.
I'm happy about it because I finally feel free. I'm 18 now. I don't have to live in a home where I try to be a family with someone and fall short because my real family is dead. I didn't know I craved this kind of freedom but I think I do.
So much has changed in my life, I don't know where to start with the updates.
That girl I wrote to you about broke up with me 3 weeks after dating. I don't regret saying yes. She at least made me forget about stuff.
I'm still playing the piano. In fact I got a music scholarship. I know it's gonna be good for me. I'm gonna be living in a dorm with one other girl. I think her name is Becca? I hope she's nice at least.
I don't get that many nightmares anymore because I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of missing you so much that my body aches whenever I see your name around anywhere.
It hurts to think about you. I used to think about your face everytime I tried to sleep.
Now? I think I'm forgetting what you sound like.
So… this is a goodbye. I can't write to you anymore. I can't be stuck in the past like this.
Maybe one day, I'll write to you again. Maybe one day I'll see you again. If I do, I don't know if anything is gonna be the same.
I hope you're doing well. I hope you're not thinking of me.
