02 ||
Dear, Rab
I know I shouldn’t do this, but quite frankly I don’t give a bloody damn. You are going to take this parchment and you’re going to either read it or burn it, but either way I will let this off my chest and out of my heart because I will not be damned by it by trying to hold this in any longer! I hope you take it though, I hope you read this and realize this is the last shred of my heart I’m letting be vulnerable. Do not get too offended or upset with it’s content. know that it will hurt, it will sting, but know that it’s not been written for that purpose. It’s written out of love just tainted by bitterness, but not strife or vengeance.
We’ve made many promises to each other in our lifetime. Both of us have broken some from time to time, but there are a few still in tact. Tell me…what promises must we still keep? Or are they all fair game? Does a promise mean anything anymore? I’m not saying this because you’ve broken any recently (well other then the obvious) but more so I can (as you or one of the others might say) know my place. Since people other then myself are in the business of dictating that now right? Deciding for me what I am allowed to feel. Who better to ask then the man who knows me best right? who would know exactly where to place me best right? I hope that doesn’t sting I’m merely curious, so I know my limitations. You’ve already made the decision of where I can’t be, just thought you could help on where I should be then. Save me some of this blasted fumbling around time.
I wonder if you realize all the damage you’ve done? On one hand, if you have, then I merely ask how did you get the strength to do it? And how can I do the same? I want to form a heart of stone to get through this. I want to be numb to it all because then I can stop wanting like you told me to, I can stop craving a future no longer here, I can stop searching and feeling this pit of sorrow in my chest because all I really want is to feel you hold me one more time. So I can do things like you all and not bat an eye of regret. I can cut from my life what needs to be cut. Then I can just be content. I can worry about cracking it back open later. I walk around like I’m ok, and I’m not, but I want to be. Even if it’s undesirable, even if it changes me…it’s my turn to change anyways right? To put away my childish fantasies.
On the other hand if you don’t or simply refuse to…I hope you keep this steel wall up and keep it thick, so you never have to witness what you’ve truly done. Ignorance is bliss my love. Or as close to it as people like us will ever find. I could see the wall in your eyes, they almost had a metallic glint in them last time we spoke. I wonder if you will ever be on the receiving end of such a cold stare from me one day? I wonder how you’d react? Would you still find me beautiful even if I’m cold to the touch?
You told me to learn to want what I can have…I tried and well let me tell you it sucked, I hated it and myself even more for trying. And even in my attempt I still bloody failed! I still couldn’t forget, I couldn’t let go. Then it dawned on me that if I was capable of such a thing I wouldn’t be Emma vanity. That much is clear to me now. Even if I did, do you not realize what options that leaves? Recently you’ve become a master at limiting my options you know. You built a steel wall between us to make it easier for you to keep your secrets and tell your lies so that I wouldn’t see. The only reason I know this is because I still know you better then anyone in this world. Is this truly all still in the name of protecting me? Of saving me? Or is this some cowardice? It may partially be in the name of keeping your promise to me, but you are hiding.
I’m not writing any of this to condemn you because I’ve got my flaws. I’ve fucked up a lot myself and done things I’m not proud of. I’ve hidden and ran from my problems all the same as you. I still make mistakes even now. I’ve hurt people too…in truth I’m no better then you, I’m only weaker because where I fail you succeed. (I bet you never thought you’d see the day I admit that) I’ve always been a runner. Though I promised you I’d try to stop I wonder if that’s one of the promises we can void now? Not like you can see me run…not like you can see anything from behind your great wall. Sorry if I’m being sharp, it’s become a bit of a habit lately. I was trying to fix it, but recently I decided it’s best it stays. Maybe till this is all over a cold harsh Emma Vanity is needed. After all we’ve all changed and become something darker then we used to be right?
I hope you remember that this was thought and written in sincerity and compassion, even if it’s words are soaked in bitterness (and a lot of Firewhiskey shhh). Know that I don’t hate you, or despise you, nor have I abandoned you. I see your darkness, and I realize it like my own…like all of ours…may never go away. But I hope you realize that I see it…and I am not afraid of it. You may reprimand me if you like for sending this, but it will fall on deaf ears. (not because I don’t care because I do. I’ll read it, but I just have a feeling it’ll be a lot of repeat from our last conversation.) You may ignore this and toss it because I will never know if you even read it or not. You can do whatever you like and I will not judge you for it. Like I hope you will not judge me because regardless of your answer to the question above about the promises, I will keep mine. What few are let. Even if you break them all.
Do you want to know why? Because I found out that to do so I’d have to rip my heart out. And as blissful as it sounds to completely stop feeling…I can’t…Because you and Reg are my heart. If I rip you out I will be void of the only joy I’ve ever had in life and that’s the ability to love. Not just you but the others as well. I would lose the ability to love all of you without a heart, and then…I don’t know what I’d become. I don’t know if I’ll become a monster, or a shell, or nothing. There are three things in my life that have always been my only source of joy: 1. Befriending you guys, 2. Loving you, 3. Making my own choices. Now a lot of pain has weaved in and out of those three things I’ll admit, but the joy they bring always outweighs, over powers, and triumphs over it and I wouldn’t let got of either of them for all the magic in the world.
I don’t know if you’ve managed to rip out your heart for or because of all this mess…but if you haven’t already I hope you don’t. Not because my selfish desire to see it again one day, once you’ve finally decided to tear down this bloody wall of yours and let me near you again or to let me at least see you even if only from a distance, but more because remember that damage I mentioned above? Your heart is the only thing that can repair it. With out it there’s no use in even trying because it would all be for nothing. You will have lost everything. So if you already have…well if you already had I don’t believe you’d have read this far. This letter would’ve been in ashes long before now. So thank you.
-Always best regards and love, Duchess
P.S. I love you. Always have, Always will.