#that don't

[lovinglikeafallingstar]

[solohyo]

.

[pokaradon]

What the hell?

What stupid, disrespectful person tagged a friend of mines commission post as a Trigger Warning? There was nothing Triggering about that post at all and thanks to that prick, my friend is feeling even shittier than ever. The things they had to go through the past couple of Frelling years with losing three family members close to their heart and you go and Tag something that didn't need tagging like that. Now i'm not the least bit imposing, but when a close friend is forced to go through their dad's downhill health all over again, then i'm not a happy bunny to say the least.

I'm not one to make idle frets but if i find that ignorant person, then they're gonna wish they never made my friend have a breakdown through their own ignorance.

[moonbeamjean]

*touches face* How does one obtain a boyfriend

[slightlybrown]

"You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much I completely stay away from them!"

-Andy, The 40 Year Old Virgin.

I can't totally justify in writing how much I suck when it comes to interacting with women that I develop feelings for. It's like a broken record where no matter how many times you play it, the results remain the same. Despite all the rejections throughout the years, I still can't find the backbone that'll allow me to express my feelings without the looming thought of the eventual "sorry, but no." In the end, it's a lose-lose situation in which I find myself looking back and wondering "what if?" What if I had just been honest in the first place?  What if I didn't hold back those words that might've left you resonating with each syllable? Who knew that explaining a simple feeling of care, attraction, and maybe even intimacy would instill fear. And that's where I am now.

I'd like to think that i'm fun and easy going, that no matter who I hang out with, I try to have a good time and bring out the best in others. When hanging with friends, male and female, I feel comfortable enough to be myself- which can result in just plain awkwardness and clumsiness. Yet, it's how I am, and I like to play off the silliness to remind others that a laugh is needed once in awhile. However, there does come a time when I do develop a connection-well, make that a one way connection- that spreads beyond mere friendship. Not too strong as love. Not as casual as like. Yet, it's a feeling that hey, I really care for you, and I would like to be with you and grow emotionally with you. It's a feeling that provides both happiness and just internal torture. There's always the fear that exposing one's self makes them vulnerable to rejection. In addition to that, I always fear for the loss of just the relationship that we once had. Unfortunately, i've experienced too many of those. 

That's probably the reason for my sudden change in what would you say, personality? when it comes to liking someone. I retreat into my shell, afraid that my actions- humorous and easy going- would only be comfortable to her in a friend setting. I become so occupied with what I say, what I do, hoping that any loose words that escape my mouth won't provide inaccurate opinions of her. So I just hold back, not willing to take risks. Because when it comes down to it, I lack any "game". Sure, I may seem confident at first, but I lose it with the first realization of affection. Instead of being the cocky guy that just says whatever he can to get what he wants or the confident guy that is willing to take the risks, I'm at the end of the spectrum- nervous and quiet.

I would rather "play things cool" and keep my emotions buried, just so I could shield myself from possible rejection. I avoid that vulnerability by not putting myself out there. Yet, I miss out on so much, and I can only blame myself. It's come to a point where I don't know what to do anymore.

Anyway, I'm just rambling now. It's late, and I have a long day tomorrow. Maybe one day i'll actually get to sort these thoughts out into something meaningful. Until then, meaningless post is meaningless.