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You've heard about the Rapture, right? How the good people of the world get zipped up to Heaven, while the bad ones are forced to wander the Earth being punished for thousands of years?
Well, I think the fucking Rapture happened.
I mean, I knew I'd be one of those poor bastards who was stuck here being tormented. I just didn't think it would've happened without me knowing it. But IceJJFish is practically a sign of the apocalypse.
Look, just play this video & we'll talk.
I know, I know. It's fucking unbearable, but you have to get through it to understand all these regrets.
C'mon, lil' trooper. You can do it.
Alright. Here's a sample platter of regret salad for you:
• I WANT THIS GUY TO BE HANDICAPPED Two levels of meaning. If he actually is, this shit sandwich would be easier to swallow. If he isn't, I'm sending a couple of bat-swinging Samoans down to San Antonio to level the playing field.
• MEDIOCRITY HOLDS SWAY Patton Oswalt did a bit about this. He was referencing George W. Bush, but W set a strange & dangerous precedent. Someday we'll look back on YouTube celebrities & laugh. But not soon enough.
• COMEDY FOR THE HUMORLESS Reps at Thatraw.com swear this is done for laughs. But this poor doofus isn't in on it. He might as well be GMCFOSHO. And if you "literally LOL" at this, your life is fucking joyless.
• A QUESTION OF DAY RATES The eye candy in this video (& the only real reason to sit through it) is Karen Vi. In interviews, she raves about it. I hope she got paid something. Because she had to hear this 'borsh a LOT.
• VIEWS, VIEWS, VIEWS, VIEWS If you put any stock into this kind of stuff, the dude's got over 25 MILLION views on YouTube. The same as a "World's Tallest Midget" award to me. Good luck with your crazy cat video, pal.
VIDEO QUALITY > AUDIO QUALITY This is happening rampantly lately. If you spend all your time spreading blue icing on a shitpile, it may look pretty, but it's still horrible. Although if you watch any GMCFOSHO videos, all things are fairly equal.
• I LOVE NERVE GRATING MUSIC Naked City helps me get writing done. I chill with Asian Women On The Telephone. Wolf Eyes is my sleepytime music. When I'm feeling blue? Jandek. But IceJJFish isn't even music comparatively.
Lastly, I'd like to thank my bestie J'Mel for tossing this my way. For all the bile I've thrown at it, I'm sure he could come up with about a hundred more volleys.