sometimes, when i'm in a truly desperate mood, i look up "when does it get better?". i always looked at posts from reddit due to the likelihood of it being real and genuine. and no matter what, i always found myself drawn, not to the comments saying that it will get better, but the comments that say it won't. those comments, though coming from a unhealthy mindset, and definitely not good for me, feel like the only ones that understand. the only ones that get that positive self talk and meditation and bullet journals isn't gonna get me out of this. the only ones that get that i can't control anything that is causing my suffering. but these comments aren't gonna help me. and so i continue my fruitless search for a definitive answer to the question "how the fuck am i gonna get better?". i just want like... an answer key of sorts to tell me how. how the fuck do all these people i see and meet around me go from wanting to die to telling me that one day i'll be able to live without feeling like something deep within me is missing.
see what i did there?
anyways, the answer key by 0TS is honestly one of the most earnest songs i've seen as of late. the actual meaning of the song is very different from what i have written for this writeup (i don't really have any particularly unhealthy coping mechanisms), but it's like... i can sense the same desperation through it's lyrics that hits me in my lowest moments. the incessant need to be told that you can and will get better now, not in some sort of hypothetical future where by some sort of vague sequence of events, you immediately got better and became happier and you now love being alive. to get an answer.
to add in another ancedote, i tried telling my therapist yesterday my grievances. how i just want someone to give me a real answer. he went on about how that's unanswerable and to just think positively or whatever the fuck. i remember just thinking "this isn't helping". i asked to not get a non-answer and just... got a non-answer.
it's not like i don't want to get better. it's just that i have no real solution. no answer. the circumstances behind my depression are related to situations outside of my control. my friend said that it's like i had "shit life syndrome" - which is used to describe a phenomenon in how people have poor mental health when their life just... objectively sucks. and how they're not easy to help because of this fact. and it's like... yeah! there isn't really a pretty picture being painted of what my life will be like in a couple years.
but on the other hand, for a long time, i've fantasized about that same older me making art. mainly music. art has always been a huge passion of mine, since like... preschool. creating things and having an audience who can see your creations and care about them... that's all i want in life. which i guess ties back into the answer key. our lives are characterized by a fuckton of strife and suffering, and it's hard to picture a world where it gets better... but we can make really good art with it. for creation seeps out when you run out of time.
there is one last thing i want to add. sometimes, in my darkest moments, i find myself parroting the phrase "i don't want to live like this anymore". in the end, i have to hold on to what minimal hope i have left for the future. i have to hold hope in my heart that one day, i'll be able to say "i survived". and maybe that's all that is on that answer key i crave.
