#the dreaded trip

[clever-and-unique-name]

You are having a family gathering. I am dissociating.

[clever-and-unique-name]

Starting at grade 2 my self-proclaimed goal, when I was 8 years old, was apparently to "Get skinny!!!"

Looking at the photos of the time, there was no way that should have been my goal. No way. That little girl looks healthy and happy, with some childish roundness to her. Why was that what she wrote down as her goal, time and time again? And why was there never a conversation with an adult about why she was fine the way she was? Quite the opposite, I only remember their approval and saying "Yes, you do need to lose weight!"

8 years old. Fuck.

[clever-and-unique-name]

I relocated to the living room (the family is outside on the deck) and dad came in with their dog because I guess the dog was scared from the fireworks the neighbors are occasionally setting off?

Anyway he sits down on the other couch and does that thing he always does where instead of talking to me he talks to the dog. So he gets this really impatient, nasty tone and he's calling the dog dumb and stuff and telling it to sit down on his lap and settle but the dog is clearly just freaked out by the fireworks so snapping at him isn't going to help?

So the dog looks at me and I just kind of nod at him and he jumps off my dad's lap and comes and sits on mine, still shaking and stuff but not whining anymore. And my dad just gets up and mutters about how at least it's not his problem anymore if the dog "gets hyper" and he leaves.

Idk it's just such a good example of how self centered he is. The dog didn't do anything wrong, he was just scared. I spent a couple minutes talking quietly to him and stroking his back and now he's laying down on my lap and not shaking anymore. It's just not that hard?

- M

[clever-and-unique-name]

this place is a prison and it always has been. I'm glad to be leaving it for good. the people here only want to use me and I don't want to be used by them anymore

being here and reading all those journals again just hurts so much. I remember those feelings so well because I still feel them; they're etched into my soul and I don't think they're ever going away.

I just want to leave this place for good.

- reki

[clever-and-unique-name]

And with that the dreaded trip is ended and I can unravel in peace.

[clever-and-unique-name]

Did you know my mom wrote me a letter the night before I left home all those years ago, expressing her grievances about me leaving? No? That's okay, because I didn't know either! But now I know because I found it and boy is it AWFUL!

[clever-and-unique-name]

Found a journal we wrote in during some of the darker times of high school. It mentions therapy. It's also painfully apparent that Razael, Kestrel, and Astrid (+Abel, before she split) were the ones writing in it the most. This was in 2010.

It's amazing how some things have been echoing through time without us knowing. Lessons we learned back then and keep learning over and over and over. The same struggles.

Oh also there's a lot of Mal in these journals/sketchbooks. A lot. He's everywhere--Astrid and Reki were clinging to him for dear life (though they often used other names, I can tell it was them.)

So yeah, this is a lot! My head feels like it's splitting open and I don't know who I am! Time to sleep in my old bed in my old room and wake up dissociated as fuck in the morning.

[clever-and-unique-name]

One nice side effect of people wearing masks is people are gesturing more which is great for my dissociated ass when I can't understand my native tongue.