The Terminators (2009)
While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...
Released by The Asylum - a hack filmmaking studio that capitalizes on big-name releases by churning out imitators with washed-up stars - The Terminators is more of what we’ve seen before. The special effects are appalling, the acting sucks, the script is unacceptable. I could copy-and-paste my review of any other film they've released to describe why this attempt to cash-in on Terminator: Salvation is as pleasant as a bath in a pool of molten metal but I’d rather be thorough. Anything to prevent others from sitting through this movie like I did.
In the future, our cyborg servants suddenly rebel and attack - killing every human in sight. The only way to stop the invincible machines is to reach an orbiting space station and shut off the master computer onboard.
This movie has no reason to be. The plot is so thin you could’ve easily compressed it into a half hour. Instead, we’re forced to sit back and watch as unlikeable, one-dimensional characters dance around, wasting time before they can find a way to blast off into space. None of them have arcs. In fact, identifying the main character is a strain. It might be the woman whose husband is cheating on her (Lucinda Rogers) but it’s not like she plays a crucial role in this adventure; Tiffany is merely the one who gets the most screen time.
Every attempt to flesh out the characters infuriates you. During the final act, Tiffany and Chloe (Lauren Walsh) have to confront their feelings, which of course means they do it at the worst possible time. In another movie, it might highten the stakes. Not here. Try as you might to suspend your disbelief and accept the extremely phony-looking Terminator ripoff our heroes have to dodge, the crying and “bombshell” revelations do nothing for you. In fact, they rob the scene of any urgency. These people should be focussing on the task at hand. They would be if the danger was real. The affair? It doesn’t even add any nudity to the movie. Not that it would’ve have made the film any better but it would’ve made this decidedly R-Rated and therefore limit the number of people who might sit down with it. Don’t worry if you were looking for some shots of topless ladies, however. The trailers before the movie have that covered.
The way to view a movie knock-off is in a double-bill with the original. You see how it was done well, and then compare the imitation’s efforts. Hilarity usually ensues. The problem with The Terminators is its attempt to be original. The plot is nothing like Terminator: Salvation or any other entry in the series. It’s a generic robot plot you’ve seen a thousand times with a couple of visual cues here and there to remind you of the better movie you wish you were watching. When I say a couple, I mean two: the muscle-bound humanoid killing machines and the title.
Most of The Terminators feels like a crappy zombie movie with an even thinner budget than your average direct-to-video trash. There are some twists and turns towards the end but they won’t excite you. The performances are so shoddy it’s hard to tell if the people who exclaim things in surprise are genuinely shocked or bored. I know I was.
Don’t watch The Terminators. If you want to see a bad movie and make fun of it, skip this one. Skip anything by The Asylum. Its only saving grace is that the film is completely forgettable. I’ll remember having seen it but won’t what happened in The Terminators as early as tomorrow. (On DVD, September 27, 2019)
