#the;enigma

[pleicdes]

You keep lingering with pain. Because pain is addicting.

I Love You, Thank You

[pleicdes]

Abalone, agate, moss agate, amazonite, angel aura quartz, aquamarine, calcite, chalcopyrite, emerald

                                              SEND ME A CRYSTAL                                              and I’ll tell….                                               @destructiveurgxs​ | always accepting!

Chae Mingyu | Gyu

abalone: what kind of situations compromise my museemotionally

Hissolitude is his equilibrium. Any disturbance in it will throw him into a chaos – into a confusion. A surge of volatile emotions that he cannot put into place. Thereis a reason why Mingyu opts to be alone. Aprotection of its own. Because he knows, right from the tender age of 6, thathe himself is a destruction. One should not pass through the circle he hasdrawn around himself because he will explode – and the shrapnel can burn. No, it can ignite another fire. And soif you come and force yourself in, he will not know. He will not know if he willbe guilty of another casualty because of him (his sister is enough), or he’ll want you to detonate with him.

Mingyu has warning signs all over himthat screams DANGER. Do not cross the line.

Do not make him falter.

agate: howmy muse calms down

Pets,albeit being living things the same as humans, are unable to speak, unable tojudge, unable to make an opinion or anything against him. He is beyond them inmany ways aside from size. Mingyu fancies them. Much like the way people feelwith their own cuddly puppies or furry cats – there’s sense of gratificationupon seeing them. But he satisfieshimself further. All the pent up anger and impulses needed to be vented outin order to calm himself down. That istheir purpose to him. The feeling of a life in between his palm – to feelthat he is able to control.(To feel like agod that can take away life anytime he can.)

Take control of anything but himself.

Because he cannot.

 moss agate: if my muse has a high or low opinion of themselves

Mingyulikes to think he does revere himself well – the aloofness he had did not becomea hindrance to be known and adored by the others, and perhaps it is the charmof the unknown that bewitches them, or the fact that he had maintained a calm andpolite demeanor to people. He has set himself an image – one that bears thename Chae Mingyu. Gyu would like to think that he is truly what the peoplethink he is.

Buthe knew he isn’t. Everything is a part of the thick mask he parades in order tohide himself – to hide Gyu. Because Gyu is everything people did not know. Coward. Weak. Afraid. Vulnerable. Heknows he is, and it is why he separates himself. It is why he wears a mask infront of anyone, everyone.He wear masks because he’s afraid of people seeing who he really is. Because he knew himself, so much so. And he know heis the worst person one may ever encounter.  

Trust him on that. He could not eventame himself.

 amazonite: what kind of situations call for my muse tobe dishonest

Mingyuis so stoic that sometimes people doubt if he can feel or is void of anyemotions. It isn’t easy to distinguish sincerity in his words and actions,mainly because no one really knows the truthin him. But the thing is, he doesn’t wantto feel. Anything related with emotions and affection (especially of his), he will twist and turn into ways in which youwould not be able to decipher him. He will laugh at it, he will smile, he mayfrown, he may feign anger, he will wear all masks he equipped himself with sothat you will not see the truth.

But in case you don’t know, everything that you see in him is a lie.

 angel aura quartz: my muse’s opinion of LGBT+ issues

It’sa matter of contentment. Preferences can be wildly different. He isn’t blindand stupid enough to know that. And fairly speaking, he doesn’t care. Herefuses to care.

(It’s a matter of who is able to satisfyyou. Regardless of gender.)

Hekissed girls. He kissed a guy.

Ifthat makes one happy satisfied, then so be it.

 aquamarine: where my muse feels most calm/relaxed

Onceupon a time, it was his home. He found it in between two adult bodies – his fatherand mother cuddling while he scoots between them during a thunderstorm. When he’safraid, he’d seek for the comfort of his parents. But it was gone when he wassix. It also used to be underneath a protective sister’s arm, thin, skinny armsover his body. But it was gone and the last memory of it agitates him more thanits reminiscence. It’s supposed to be their home, but the images of mother’sblood and father’s angry face ignites the anguish deep within him. It’ssupposed to be with people but they, like his father, are terrifying in moreways than one. Smiles aren’t assurance of a good intention, a hand stretchedfor help isn’t either. People can be veryterrifying. They are. And he’d like to be anywhere without them.

He thinks he feels safe by himself –with no existing person nearby. He can feel the air in his skin, he can let thesun burn his eyes, he can hear the soft whispers of the leaves with the windand it pacifies him.

Isolation is his new home.

 calcite: my muse’s social tendencies (introverted vsextroverted, parties vs one-on-one conversations, etc.)

Mingyulives in his own world, and many knows that. An introvert, and a very peculiarperson to most – but it is how he is. People recognize it, and he tries to makeencounters as brief and as concise as possible. Social gatherings, the casualones, aren’t too appealing. Waste of time, he must say, unless it is direly needed.But mostly it’s forced. One-on-one conversations may be more preferred but itis as baffling as gatherings. He rarely engages in it – and if he does – it’sonly with certain people.

 chalcopyrite: how my muse deals with ending relationships

“Alright.”is what he says. In all sense of the word. Because it is just fine to him.Relationships are mere excuse especially of the young to distract themselves ofwhat they should focus more – studies, self, career. It gives them that fleetingmoments of being appreciated and feeling lovedeven though they barely know what it truly means. Not that he knows, (he doesn’t know. Mingyu may know what loveis, but he doesn’t know what it means. and how it is ), but he’s not stupidenough to fall into that delusion. Yet he’s stupid enough to fall into mere attractionthat he knew would disappear sooner or later. And shallow waters are easy to stepon and cross over. It will frustrate him initially, but at the end of the day,he knew he always have himself. He onlyneeds himself.

He never felt less lonely anyway.

 emerald: how my muse tells someone they love themwithout words

Mingyuwill control you – he will take over your life and he will make sure that youare under his hold. He will not be kind – kind is too far fetched in what theycall love because to love is to hurt. To love is to endure the pain. To love isto know that it is worth the pain. So he will give you that. He will hurt you.As much as he hurts himself.

    ‘Why mom? Why do you let father hit you?’

    ‘He’s just angry, but he loves me. He’s doing it because he loves us.’

Mingyu’sdoing it because… he wants to. He wants to sear himself into your mind, intoyour being – he’ll scorch you until you realize how painful it is to love.And how painful it is to be loved by him. And how you should have read thecaution lines he placed around him before you decided to come in.

DANGER.DANGER. DANGER!!

Howdo someone show another one that they love them when they don’t know what itmeans to love?

[pleicdes]

come here @destructiveurgxs

[ ☯ ] Habits are formed by routine actions – one may not even notice how detrimental it may be until time allows you to harvest its fruits. Rotten ones at times. Habit, it is, perhaps with the heavy workload that body mechanics is forgotten, that suffering ultimately comes after even if the knowledge of it is instilled in his mind, like any other nursing skill he had learned. First, he forgets, then it continues, then it just becomes a habit until it strains him. Literally this time.

Mingyu remains stuck in bed, unwillingly so, and the frustration sinks in slowly with the time passing, with each minute waiting. This is an inconvenience of independent living – when you get sick, you got no one but yourself. Not for him, apparently. It’s easy to summon someone, and he knew he’ll come. Why, he had always like to enter into his sphere, right? He has no choice this time.

[pleicdes]

rough hands

@destructiveurgxs

Sometimes, he would look at the stubby stems that are his fingers. Patients say they felt like sandpaper, or stones even – rough and unfinished. Mingyu would check, rubbing hands together but they are just both calloused and rough, and it felt unfeeling. Unfeeling. They could feel his, he couldn’t. Mingyu would only gift them a smile, barely an apology for a sandpaper scraping their sensitive skin. He had to blame it to the strong chemicals of the hospital’s sanitizers and disinfectants. A necessity. You don’t want to be caught on some bacteria, don’t you? They don’t. So they just smile in return. But they reiterate. ‘You have rough hands, Nurse Mingyu.’

 I do?

His father has. Mingyu remembers. Lucidly so. No, it’s not the lines on his hands, or how the skin was, but he remembers where it went. On his cheek, the first time. He couldn’t remember if it was rough, but Mingyu knows it stings. It stings so hard that his bloodied hands had to caress it brusquely to ease the pain. But it did not ease the pain. In fact, Mingyu may had rubbed the pain into it more, smearing crimson over his face that tells it’s your fault, it’s all your fault. A blood that should have been his and not his sister's.

It was also vivid in his memory still, despite those hands not touching him. Not on him but on his mothers. Mingyu remember the screams those hands incite, the hot tears falling onto bruised cheeks, the pleas to stop. Hands on her hair, hands on her cheeks, hands on her neck. Sometimes a fist on her abdomen. When he braved once, those hands fell onto him. Once more. His mother stopped him, saying ‘It’s okay. He loves me. He loves us. He’s doing it for us.’

Sometimes, he thinks he and his father have the same hands.

He was once curious how it would feel on others. How does rough meets soft? Curiosity ( or desperation ) calls for it. Gentle furs on his skin. It tickles, they say. But it doesn’t on him. He’s still unfeeling. It started as a graze onto those white feathers. A seeming caress. I can’t feel. So he had to deepen his touch. Fingers curl, one by one, onto the undersized circumference of a neck. I still can’t feel. So he had to tighten. More, and more, and more. Until he hears the screeching, high pitched sound of a feline’s cry. A few more squeeze, some more, some more cries. Before he releases. There. He can feel. He remembers how it  felt.

( Remember your mother’s cries. Remember your cries. )

Today, he is curious on how it will feel on him. Not his hands but another’s. ( He felt it before, but his father’s hand are just like his. ) There are fingers wrapped around him, on his neck, taunting the capacity of his lungs with every pressure. He could’ve coughed, or choked, but he smiles. A wicked one at that. “That’s.. all.. you’ve got, Ming?” A provocation, like always. But he wanted to feel. He wanted those fingers to clasp tightly onto him. He wanted to challenge his body. How far can he take? How long can his throat last before it runs out of air? How long can you stay, Ming?

Mingyu doesn’t struggle. His insides does but he doesn’t quiver under the larger body hovering above him. His eyes do not falter onto him, either – lids uncontrollably open and close, but remains onto him, taunting. “Do it, Ming.” His hands, those hands that are so rough, land onto Ming’s wrist, pushing it down deeper and deeper on his neck. The softness of the bed doesn’t help but he had to clench Ming’s hands on him. “Do it while you still can, Ming.” I’m letting you.

“I dare you.”

“Break me.”

You can’t. I’m already broken. But try.

Please try.

[pleicdes]

continued || @destructiveurgxs

The words rolled off Mingyu’s lips just as easily as the puff of air that followed when he exhaled. His eyed had not left the book he was reading nor did he stop what he was doing for a split of a second to utter words that would usually be said with a certain emotion attached to them. His were…. cold. They were a fact. He was reciting a fact just like the numerous he was reading off the academic text book on his lap. It wasn’t the first time for Ming to hear those words, but this time, the words were ominous.

You don’t have to go. You’re staying with me.  They can manage without you. Go do those things for me.  I forgot to bring this and that, get them for me.

There were many more times that Mingyu have stated his ownership over his friend or subject like he thought of him. Ming knew he was only a toy to the other, a way for him to keep himself entertained when bored. A distraction when he can’t make his way through the mess in his head. Ming knew all that, and he was content with playing that role. If it helped Gyu feel better then he was willing to do it for him. Gyu has always managed to rank at the top of his priorities. He allowed him to do as he pleased, to say what he pleased even if the cost was something Mingyu would have to bear alone.

“No. I don’t.” He finally responded. Years of silence were supposed to continue. That was how he always imagined it, but something inside him didn’t settle for that. “Maybe I did.. at some point.” But now, it’s different. Maybe I did when the fire danced brightly behind us and casted shadows around us. Maybe I did when your eyes spoke truth, and nothing but sincerity in the middle of the night. Maybe I did when … it doesn’t matter anymore.

[ ☯ ] There were no reservations as to how the words dripped from this lips like a venom, more vile than the smoke, more addicting than the nicotine spreading his entire system with his second stick. His low voice and indifference spoke in a matter-of-fact tone. Mingyu had claimed him, more than the other would’ve realized, more than he himself could’ve realized at this point. And it is because of this fact that it irks him to an extent whenever he would see Ming in another company than him, or a company that he felt threatening.

Threatening in what sense? That that company would be better enough for Ming to leave him finally?

Any person in Ming’s life would’ve been better, in all honesty, and it is something Mingyu himself has known.

But doesn’t care about it. At all.

Ming should always be his. He will. He must.

And that is why Mingyu has been taken aback by what the other responded, yet hidden in his stoic expression with eyes that linger blankly on the page of the book that he was reading (or pretending to read). He tried to maintain the indifference, but his brows had already bumped together in a scowl, irritation beginning to stir inside of him.

“Oh really?” He says after a few seconds of silence and of gritting his teeth in anger. How dare he? How dare he defy him and tell otherwise? How dare he speak words that cuts deep in him, more than he could ever acknowledge? How dare he break away from his hold?

( How dare you, Mingyu, take him by your hand only to wrap it around his neck and choke him? Only to wrap it around his heart and devour it? )

A little less than one second is all it takes for the book to fly and fall to the floor, abandoned, and a hand to grip along Ming’s lower jaw. A little less than an inch is the space between anger and despair, in between two set of eyes that had nothing but pure pain yet neither can both read well. There’s only the anger glazed that they can see. And Ming’s anger is now fuming.

“You are mine. You were, you are, and you will be.”

A matter-of-fact tone ingrained with a piercing glare and fingers sinking deep in his skin.

[pleicdes]

Moth to A Flame

@itxxbwon​ ( Bang Heran )

[ ☯ ] Bitterness stains the black liquid that swirls on low, porcelain cup. There’s a smoke that whirls above the surface, the heat slowly dissipating with each second the coffee is left disregarded. Too hot, he excused in his mind, however he knew that it’s something he’d like to ignore.

He'd like to ignore the fact that he has been dragged in yet another encounter that his father knew he hated so much.

So he hides himself in artificial isolation – newspaper spread widely enough to hide his features, letting the written words pass through his eyes. The words don’t get into his brain, or rather, his brain fails to digest everything that is written there. For all he care, he would not waste a single thought over the threat of war between the North and possibly the world, for he has his own wars raging within him – wars that he had fought and has been endlessly fighting for years. 

Wars against the world, wars against himself.

But a siren rings, an alarm that alerts of an impending danger. It rings in an annoying click clacks of spoon on ceramic, of stirring a liquid, of stirring chaos. This, too, could have been left ignored, but it is a noise that sinks into his sanity, a noise that should be a warning to herself. But she doesn’t heed.  

Stubbornness probably runs in her veins.

“Don’t give me the excuse of your father passing a word for mine, because he probably knows we’re not in good terms.” The newspaper is folded and dropped onto the table, and there finally, Mingyu takes notice of the coffee. Lips curl around the rim, taking a slow, small sip of the bitter black and letting it burn on his own palate. The cup meets once again with the table, back to where it was ignored, and his eyes shift from there to her own cup of cream coffee ( too much milk, too white. coffees are meant to be black ) to the fingers that continuously stir the said coffee, letting it cool down with each stirring.

“What is it this time, Heran?”

He looks at her face and wonders, why is he even here?                                                                                                                                                                       

[pleicdes]

Ship: Yin & Yang ( all of them of course :) )

                                          SEND ME A SHIP                                           and I’ll write a mini fic / drabble                                           ( things you said )                                          @destructiveurgxs​ | always accepting!

Things You Said

a drabble series masterlist

things you said at 1

things you said through your teeth

things you said too quietly

things you said over the phone

things you didn’t say at all

things you said under the stars and in the grass

things you said while we were driving

things you said when you were crying

things you said when i was crying

things you said that made me feel like shit

things you said when you were drunk

things you said when you thought i was asleep

things you said at the kitchen table

things you said after you kissed me

things you said with too many miles between us

things you said with no space between us

things you said that i wish you hadn’t

things you said when you were scared

things you said when we were the happiest we ever were

things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear

things you said when we were on top of the world

things you said after it was over