I Thought
I was over you, or atleast I thought I was. My heart stopped beating ten times faster when I thought about you. I didn't get a full faced smile when I thought about you. I stopped tearing up at the idea of not seeing you ever again, and I stopped wondering if we would ever be together.
I thought I was over you. I thought I had come to terms with reality, and made sure I didn't get my hopes up. I thought I realized that id never get to feel your lips graze mine or that id get to gaze deeply into your warm, inviting eyes and get lost. I thought I was finally finished thinking id be able to share a bed with you, even if we slept foot to head like boys do when they are young. I thought I was done thinking id be able hold your hand and call you mine. I thought I was done.
I was right! or atleast I thought I was... Then you sent me a message, only because you took a few drinks... and after a few sentences and ideas, you told me I meant something to you, that I wasn't just some throwaway doll. you told me I mattered to you, and as if the cork on the champagne bottle shot into the air, all of those feelings I had for you can bubbling up to the surface all over again.
I still want to call you mine, I still want to hold your hand, to comb your hair with my fingers, to slide my arms up your jacket sleeve to keep them warm, to feel your lips touch mine, to gaze into your warm eyes. I want to do all of that... but unlike last time... I wont be able to see you. I wont be able speak your name without it falling on deaf ears. I wont be able to knock on your door without waiting for hours.
All I can do is hope to forget the hopelessness, and hope you don't drink again... because soon I'll forget you even told me I mattered. Soon, ill go back to thinking I'm not worth it, and i'll forget about you the best I can... but if you tell me I matter, I will remember every detail about you, everything I want with you, everything I cant have, and worst of all, I will remember that I will never see you again.