#thekword

[thewanderingswordsman2030]

Use this chart at your own discretion. #WhiteWomen #Karen #TheKWord https://www.instagram.com/p/CAtXvv2Dv7l/?igshid=79bslp3grmbb

[sensilblekass-blog]

Lost

I’m Sedated. 

I feel numb, lost and confused most of the time. I’m in survival mode, trying to find comfort in the most simple things just to stay sane. My daughter deserves better.. but this is all i can give.. Shes fed, has a roof over her head, has toys and love and yet i still feel like she needs more.. but what? I’m Lost. 

Daily i drown in my mind, by night i’m drowning in the sky. 

Wishing. Longing for something more. 

I feel like were slowly being desensitized, dumbed-down and sedated so when the time comes to wipe out most of humanity, we wont know what hit us. 

At this point, i almost crave for something catastrophic too happen just so i can experience excitement again. 

I feel like i have experienced all i’m going to experience.. and from now on im just going to be experiencing lesser versions of it all.. 

[sensilblekass-blog]

K-nnecting experiences, stories and emotions in this fucked up world.

Hello world of Tumblr. 

I felt the need too create a blog style diary for myself, as i am going through a weird ass time in my life. I’m 24.  A mother. Married.. yet still a scared, anxious kid with cravings for innocent cuddles and Disney. Not knowing who she is... yet, simultaneously shes very connected too herself and what she wants out of life. 

Every night i sit and wonder.. “What are we here for? Who the F*ck am i? Should i have eaten that? Why did that customer yell at me today over too much ice? Am i a bad mother? Who created the universe? And, When are my extraterrestrial parents coming too get me?” And so on.. 

Then i come too the conclusion that i wont ever get the answers from anyone else. It has to come from within. But.. then i get scared of the thought of going too deep inside myself. Its scary in there.. so many unexplored corners of my mind that i don’t dare go into, unless i’m prepared for a massive panic attack.. which 99.9% of the time i’m not.

I’m currently trying to teach myself that my Anxiety, Severe depression, OCD, Adjustment disorder and severe panic disorder no longer serve me. When i was  a child, and an adolescent, the dissociation, the ticks, the counting, the repetitive thoughts, the panic, the fear that kept me from doing anything mildly risky did serve me.. but now.. they’re ruining my life. Eating me alive. I want it all too go away, yet i’m terrified to let them go because they helped me for so long. They’re my “Security blanket” if you will.. 

So i’m here typing away, hoping this will at least take the edge off of the fact that i feel insane most of the time. Having a few people at work that i really enjoy.. one person in particular that i really look forward to being around.. and being able to see them multiple days out of the week really makes a difference in my mental health for damn sure. Is it sad that i look forward too going too work?? 

Well.. that’s all for now folks. 

Catch ya’ll on the flip side.