Things Hriob is No Longer Allowed to Do, Revised Edition - Part Quarte
#121 I am a Master of Conceptual and Elemental Magics, especially the Natural elements such as Wind, Lightning, Earth, Wood, and Water. However, no matter how ‘natural’ their existence may be, I cannot cast ‘Bear’ and it is not an element, and no amount of arguing, evidence, or demonstrations will change this.
#122 When courting certain individuals I will remember the following; “Using Protection” means the proper use of contraceptives or barriers during coitus, NOT using wards or other magical means of surviving close proximity to individuals whose mere existence provides a serious hazard to my health.
#123 Just because it is one of the few things that CAN still affect me given my supernatural constitution, and just because she is my friend, does not mean I am allowed to occasionally use Shylow-Venom as anti-anxiety medication a recreational drug for ANY reason on my own person or anyone else’s.
#124 When engaging in Small Talk with Lord Alexander, I am to respect the presence and personal safety of his Steward, Sir Cromwell, by politely avoiding use of the following terms and turns-of-phrase: ‘Splitting Hares’, ‘Hot Crossed Buns’, ‘Hare-Rasing’, ‘Hare Removal’, ‘Careful Hop-Timism’, ‘Bad Hare Day’, ‘Hoppily Ever After’, ‘I’m all Ears’, ‘Hare Conditioning’, and any other hilarious bad puns revolving around Lagomorphs in general. Upon further review, Bonnie Kalsang is to be given the extended benefits of this ruling.
#125 I shall remember that ‘Tuning’ is for Musical Instruments, ‘Attenuation’ is for Spiritual and Mystical aspects and machinations, and ‘Vibe Checks’ are for violently percussive maintenance on other people. Just because they SOUND like they’re the same thing doesn’t mean they ARE the same thing.
#126 If I am ever to host a ‘Movie Night’ with my friends/associates/subordinates/rivals/sworn enemies, I will avoid playing the following films for various reasons: Kill Bill, Repo: The Genetic Opera, Shrek 3, Saving Private Ryan, and any historical fiction "i may have been present for when it happened".
#127 I am forever forbidden from doing anything if I am preceding the action(s) in question with any variation of the phrase ‘Hey ___, Watch This!’
#128 I am forever forbidden from officiating Weddings Funerals Birthday Celebrations Coming-Of-Age-Ceremonies Duels Archery Contests Eating Contests Battle Royales Anything.
#129 I am a self-reincarnating Avatar of Life. I, at best, have an understanding with, and at worst, trying relationships with Entities that deeply connect to or convey Death as a Concept. This means that I need to maintain my moral superiority as best I can, which in turn means I should avoid conflict with them… and therefore not try to prank or annoy them.
#130 I am not the Patron Saint of Oktoberfest, no matter how much I wish to be.
#131 I am not allowed to visit Australia, nor am I to confuse it for Austria, be it to mess with other people or try and get around this ruling.
#132 I am forever barred from entering an IKEA store, and am forbidden from chanting backwards in Swedish in any language to assemble disassemble reconfigure rearrange manipulate IKEA-brand any furniture in any way.
#133 I am forever barred from teaching any variety of ‘Shop Class’.
#134 I am forever barred from leading field trips guided tours any sort of group of people for any reason through the following locations: Zoos, Museums, Government Buildings, Anarchist Buildings, Aquariums, Shopping Malls, Alternate Timelines, Alien Planets, Pocket Dimensions, Dimensional Nexus Points, Nuclear Reactors, Industrial Plants, and anything owned by a ‘rival’, ‘nemesis’, ‘adversary’, or any other hostile group or individual.
#135 I am not allowed to appropriate terminology research papers documents artifacts entities employees architecture ANYTHING from the SCP Foundation without due credit at all.
#136 Just because I am now able to transform into certain animals at will, does not mean I get to abuse the ability. This extends to bans against the following: eating my own paperwork and blaming ‘the dog’ on it, attempting to use ‘puppy-dog-eyes’ as a form of negotiation, massively decreasing the local wildlife population single-handedly, and leaving dog hair/fur in unpleasant locations as a petty form of revenge.
#137 I am forevermore banned from playing around with wax, especially heated. This is for my own safety and well-being more than any other reason.
#138 I am not allowed to start my own cult, religion, club, non-profit-organization, or any other form of organized group for any reason, least of all because I need an excuse to change any sort of government-issued id photo.
#139 I am an accomplished Arbormancer, capable of taking living trees of all kinds and fashioning them harmlessly into furnishings or tools, especially magical staves. I am Not, however, allowed to threaten sentient tree-based creatures such as demons, ents, and the like with transformation into such items, nor demonstrate my ability to do so.
#140 Just because some previously-incorporeal people enjoyed my gift of customized living human bodies for them to possess and inhabit, does not mean that Everyone will appreciate such a gift to the same degree. I am not to begin creating such vessels for those I know unless they specifically ask me to, no matter how convenient or helpful I think I am being.
#141 I am forevermore barred from following the ‘advice’ of the maxim ‘Tis better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission’, given that I have by now empirically proven it wrong.
#142 Just because I am a powerful and talented Oathkeeper for pacts and magical deals of all kinds, does not mean I can try and negotiate with children, especially those I am supposed to be babysitting.
#143 No matter how powerful and talented I am with Wood-based, Wind-based, and Ink-based magic, I am not allowed to make magically empowered paper planes and throw them into windstorms of any kind or origin. Not even if the kids ask nicely.
#144 I understand that, given my pact with the Worldspirit Gaia, I am often pulled to act as an emergency agent of their will to stop catastrophic incidents. I understand that, more often than not, those times when a single person is behind the danger, it is someone of necromantic alignment, skills, powers, or so on. Despite this, I am not to complain to them as I try to stop and/or slay them that they remind me of my ex-fiance, no matter how close, depressing, or infuriating the resemblance may be.
#145 I am forever banned from turning any portion of the Halls of the Mountain King into a Ball Pit of any size or depth.
#146 In regards to entry #53, given that I now do offer deals and pacts fairly regularly all things considered, I will remember to try and at least fall mostly in line with the Better Business Bureau’s ethical standards with said dealings.
#147 Given that prior rulings (#42 in particular) have failed, and I am happily sadly considered, among other things, The Wonderful Wizard of Gauze, I shall instead remind myself that flinging bandage wraps at people is not an effective attack. And that, strong as they may be, they cannot support my weight even in bulk - therefore I am forbidden from trying to swing off or around tall buildings with them as my ‘webs’. I am not ‘Spider-man’, and never will be - no matter what I attempt in order to change that.
#148 As an addition to the above ruling, I am to remember that, even if being able to wrap-and-pull items in the heat of battle is a neat and useful utility to have over my adversaries, using the same skill with my ‘bandage shooting’ to grab things around the Halls in a casual setting is frowned upon, even especially if people offer to be ‘test subjects’, ‘training dummies’, or any other kind of volunteer to be ‘shot’ thusly.
#149 Given item #72, I am to extend the same ‘general line of thought’ towards attempting to ‘forcibly evolve things with magic’, or any other medium to attempt the same end result. Spoiler alert: they always turn into crabs. Every. Single. Time. No more crabs.
#150 Just in case, I am forever banned from setting foot within 5 miles of Las Vegas, Nevada. No, not even if the magical forces behind it try to invite me.
