My Creative Inner Child.
30th April, 2020.
"I just want to tell the whole world about you because you're so amazing".
I said these words to my inner child tonight whilst bawling my eyes out. At a young age she knew she was creative and dived head first into it, learning musical instruments, painting, publishing poetry, and making up the sickest dance routines. But writing was her favourite. Pages and pages of short stories, she'd give them to her English teacher who loved to read them. She LOVED getting feedback, because how else would you get better at writing? Even as she got older she always had her nose buried in books, fanning the inferno of her imagination - so vivid, so wild, so colourful and bright. She would play "House" during recess under the massive pine trees in the yard, building the most intricate and specific floor plans out of the twigs and pine needles under the tree. She loved stories and story telling. Still does.
When I feel like I'm pushing the universe to co-operate and tell me what my purpose is, I'm always met with a brick wall. Just total radio silence. But when I slow down and ask my inner child exactly what she needs, she already knows. I just need to listen.
She's so smart. She's intuitive, she's joyous in her creativity, she's a go getter. She's always been a creative gal.
I've just now made an observation. Dabbling in different things to try and find a career I'm passionate about has been a funny process, because tucked away in the back corner of the room in my mind full of "Potential Meaningful and Rewarding Careers" sits ‘writing’. Just peeking her head out from behind something much larger and more "prestigious". I always think of writing as an option, but it's something I've always kind of done just for me and never thought to pursue writing. (Well I did once, thinking I could be a journalist but that ain't for me.) I've been writing blogs and journaling for the better part of 15 years and I love to do it. In Human Design I have an emotional authority, meaning my emotions guide me so if I'm not "feeling" something, I usually don't take action on it or do it. Same goes with writing, which I think has added to her shyness (in terms of career path) - putting out regular and consistent content has never been a strong point of mine because I have to post meaningfully, meaning for me I have to feel an emotional call to do it. It's gotta happen when my heart is open and I'm ready to create from that place of absolute freedom. When I share my emotions it's an energetic exchange to me, and when I considered those things (getting way too far up in my head), my inner child shies away. "But I just want to write!" she exclaims. "Why do you have to make up so many rules?!"
My inner child... phwoar. She is an energetic powerhouse. She HAD to be creative because where else would all that emotion go? She's mentally active and almost always stimulated (meditation is my saving grace here) so when she's excited, she needs to scream and shout and dance around the house!!!!!! When she's hurting or in pain, crying moves the emotion through my cells and out into the universe to be held by something much bigger than us.
"It's okay. You can relax. You can let go."
I sat down to meditate tonight and listened to my body and my guidance. Tonight demanded a sacred space - we saged and lit a candle, and invited my angels to come in. I could feel a blockage in my solar plexus so mentally asked to address that before we sat down to set our intention. We chose some music - a healing solfeggio frequency and soothing strings. I was not even one minute into my meditation before something started bubbling it's way to the surface - the knot in my stomach perhaps? I had started crying and the only thing I could think to do was clutch my heart, and ask my inner child, "what is it, what do you need?".
For the next 30 minutes I just cried and listened to the messages my guidance and my body were sending me. My angels were all there standing around me, holding space for me and my little lady. My whole body tingled as I breathed deeply and I felt a pull to place my hand on my stomach. "It's okay. You can relax. You can let go" unrolled out of my mouth so easily as if I was speaking it before thinking. Instantly, the knot in my stomach began to unfurl. Muscles I didn't even know I had tensed began to soften. I repeated the mantra. "It's okay. You can relax, you can let go."
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat there with my little girl in mind, hand on my belly, just feeling the sensations. I took some deep breaths.
Post meditation, I feel clear and focused. My little girl is hungry, but she's in a good mood.
When I rationalise it, inner child work and talking about my meditation and the moments I keep with my inner child can seem wild but just right. As in, it's an out-there concept, talking to the smaller version of you as if they exist here and now (spoiler alert, they do). And it can FEEL especially strange if you're not open to the practice, but you know it's a good idea. You know some shit went down in your childhood that you probably feel pretty yuck about. Just because you grew up and are an adult now doesn't mean your little person isn't still hurting. That little person is your subconscious mind and they're literally running the show. It’s worthwhile opening up that “bridge of communication” and just asking how your inner child is feeling and paying attention to what rises.
I'm really enjoying getting to know my inner child. She's so brilliant and funny and intelligent. I wish I knew her back then, but honestly I'm pretty lucky and grateful I get to experience her now!
