So this is how it begins, as I’m walking through the mall with my Mother and Sister and feeling crappy as hell. It’s October 31st, AKA, my favorite Holiday and for the past couple years they’ve all gone to shit. I’m not even sure why I keep calling Halloween my favorite holiday if things like this keep happening, but I do. Maybe I’m stupid that way or maybe just sad and too pathetic to move on and start calling Christmas my favorite like the rest of them. Christmas has way more perks of being a potentially better holiday anyway because everyone is always happy and you’re receiving extravagant gifts. I’m not really sure if you’ve ever been in relationship for almost a year but when you are, and said person breaks up with you out of nowhere, it sucks. I feel like I’m spiraling into a downward mess of a pathetic girl who blasts Taylor Swift and makes Facebook statuses about her ‘aching heart.’ That’s bullshit, I’ve never been like that, or at least how I am now, that’s not how I am. When have I, Lauren, ever let a person think they could belittle me or take advantage of my kindness? When have I, Lauren, ever let my guard down in front of someone to let them think it’s okay to hurt me because guess what, I’m strong and I’m the type of person who when you meet me, I’ll be your best friend for life but once you double cross me, you better be sorry you even tried. I just don’t take bullshit from people anymore, simple as. I used to be that person that let people step all over her but over time I’ve come to realize that not actually speaking up and defending yourself, doesn’t give you the opportunity to watch others be silent as hell when you actually call them out on something. See, I had this boyfriend for a year, lets just say, because it would have been a year this Sunday and honestly, who is even counting days anymore? So, we had been dating a year and this was my first serious boyfriend like, the kind where you actually fall asleep in each other’s arms and fight and make up. It’s a normal thing to do in a relationship, to fight and makeup but apparently sometimes that doesn’t always work, sometimes it just ends. Like on a heart rate monitor when somebody loses his or her life. Breakups are sort of like that as well, obviously not as tragic or intense, I’m just being dramatic here but still, it just ends. Anyway, my pathetic self carries throughout the mall following after my beautiful Mother and Sister who you would think could never be broken up with just by their beauty, but as they’re shoe shopping and what not, doing actual girl things, I weep silently in the back, blue contacts, red lipstick, and all. I’m pathetic. When did I sink this low? I’m never this pathetic I’m Lauren. When was it ever okay for someone to tell you they love you, and the next day say they don’t? I realize that yeah, I deserve more. I deserve someone who is willing to go out of their way for me to tell me I look beautiful, to bring me on spontaneous adventures where we don’t have to spend money on anything, just view the world somewhere new and beautiful and just enjoy each other’s company. I want someone who surprises me out of nowhere with flowers and hugs. I want someone who when they’re put in an uncomfortable position, make the best out of it for my sake because they genuinely care about my feelings. I want someone to love me and never stop loving me because they know I never will stop loving them either. I just want…I want to feel again. I want to feel like my bones are on fire whenever that other person is around. I want them to look into my eyes when they tell me they love me because that’s the most important kind of love, the one where you look and feel with your soul. Ever since High School, I stopped having butterflies…and I thought maybe someday someone could make their wings flutter again. There’s been no such luck though, and I made myself settle with just, ‘Okay. No butterflies,’ because I thought that maybe if you really love someone, you can set them free. I’ve realized now though, that I’m never going to do that again. There’s this quote in ‘Sex in the City,’ which, I don’t even watch so don’t hold this against me but, my sister always says to me, “Never settle less for anything less than butterflies.” I think I understand what she means now because there’s a part of me too, like a butterfly, that doesn’t want her wings to be broken or to be halted. My wings should always be moving, constantly like the waves in the ocean. Just because you’re not at the beach all the time doesn’t mean the waves stop. They keep moving and moving because that’s all that they know how to do. That’s what I want to be like too, like the ocean…. like a butterfly.
