I think my problem is that I can't forgive myself so I subconsciously force myself to fail because I feel like I don't deserve success. There are mistakes and regrets I've made in my life that I think about every single day, and the guilt never fades it only expands and takes over my mind. It doesn't matter if the person I wronged forgave me, because when they forgive me I convince myself that I manipulated them into doing so. I think that everyone has a resentment towards me that will always be just under the surface, and one false move and I'll be punished for what I've done again and again and again.
And I think I want that. I don't think I can succeed in anything, I don't believe that I can achieve anything. I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve forgiveness and I certainly don't deserve my friends or family.
Every time I get close to being happy I self terminate the cause and when I experience the repercussions of that, I think "good, it's what you deserve."
I've done nothing with my life and I've had so many opportunities. I'm a waste of money, and time, and energy, and every night I lie in bed counting the reasons why that is true.
I feel like when people say that I'm a "good" person or a "kind" person, they're seeing a facade. I don't believe that I am a positive influence on anyone's life. I feel like if I had never been born that people would be better off, and if I died, people wouldn't miss me. I feel like I am more trouble than it's worth.