#there went nothing

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Bells On Trike - “There Went Nothing”

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Alright, here goes nothing.

After the occurrences of yesterday, I no longer want anything to do with Casey (or, by proxy, Molly) ever again, in any shape, form, or fashion, for the rest of our pathetic existences. After the things said to me I literally don’t even have it in me anymore to care about anything regarding him. He is extremely emotionally unstable and utterly abusive towards me. He blames me for everything and completely exaggerates what I've supposedly done to him.

Yes, I broke up with the kid. That's all I did. I broke up with him, and I had plenty of reasons to do so. I tried to be as absolutely nice as I could and maintain a friendly relationship with him. I didn't try to degrade him, I didn't tell him I never cared about him, etc.; in fact I did the exact opposite. I told him he meant a lot to me constantly. I told him the reasons I broke up with him. I told him he is a great person.

What did he do will all of this? He created a scenario in his own delusional, self-absorbed mind that throughout all of this, I was some huge hurtful bitch to him who basically beat the emotional shit out of him while laughing about it and then left him on the cold hard ground out in the rain to suffer without love for the rest of his dismal existence. I DIDN'T DO THAT AT ALL. There was a point that I was harsh with him because he was being hard-headed and frustrating, yes, but the majority of the time, I told him I was sorry but I felt that it was the right thing to do. I checked up on him to make sure he was okay. I apologized for everything I ever did wrong, which was a lot. I always offered myself for him to talk to if he needed someone. I was upset too. I cried too. I was hurt too. I hated hurting him and I said that a million times, to everyone, I even wrote about it on every possibly social networking site. But no. He can't accept that like a mature person.

When someone breaks up with you, especially on fairly good terms, you cry, listen to sad music, whatever -- you don't completely flip shit and villainize your ex, who you claim is the love of your life who you "would move mountains for." Couple his exaggerated words about me with the way he physically acts, and you have a really scary, upsetting situation for me. I have literally had to call 911 on Casey before because he constantly has meltdowns in which he sobs, screams, punches himself in the face, hits his head against things, threatens to cut himself, threatens to shoot himself, threatens to drive his car off the road (all of which he says would be completely my fault), calls me names, belittles me, says things like my clinical depression I've suffered heavily from since I was nine is "bullshit" or an "excuse" for being a shitty person/girlfriend, etc.

How am I supposed to even deal with a person who acts that way, much less maturely deal with? That is a person who needs psychological help. That isn't in the SLIGHTEST how a normal person acts. I hope everyone reading this realizes that. I haven't exaggerated a single thing I just said. I even kind of downplayed it honestly. I always have, because I did love him and think that he was a good person outside of his episodes.

That is abusive behavior, though. I was in an extremely abusive relationship with this person for a very long time. Any time we'd fight he did shit like that -- flipped out, threatened me, called me names. Any time I'd try to leave him, he made me feel like I COULDN'T leave him or he'd just end up hurting/killing himself and placing the blame on me. Do you understand how emotionally distressing this was for me? Do you understand how much I stressed and cried and wanted to die over that? This is the person I've tried to be so nice to after he treated me that way. This is the person Molly has chosen to be with and claims is "perfect."

He tore me down in every possible way yesterday. "You wanna talk about pathetic lets talk about you. Lets talk about how all you do is literally sit in your room and do absolutely nothing because you're sooooo depressed you're so dejected woe is me woe is me. How about this shut the fuck up grow the fuck up get a fucking job and stop being a lazy fuck. Peace bitch." These are the kinds of messages I received all day yesterday, starting at around 8 am and ending at around 11 pm, on my birthday no less, without any provocation.

Yes, I wasn't the best girlfriend to him. I made a lot of mistakes. In many ways I made him feel like I didn't care about him as much as I should have. That was never my intention. I got very drunk once and sent a risque (though not nude) photo to my ex. I admit that. One night while we were nonchalantly talking, my ex kissed me, and I kissed him back for a few seconds before pulling away and immediately freaking out, crying, and telling Casey about the situation. I admit that also. Neither of those were things I planned on doing, but they did happen, one out of poor judgment, the other out of absolutely nowhere really. Yes, Andrew was more in the picture than he should have been. I have tried to talk that out with Casey also and apologize for making him feel insecure about it. I have admitted to all my mistakes. I have admitted to them and apologized profusely, as I regret them more than almost anything I've ever done. But I don't think it makes a difference to him anyway.

Molly randomly came into the situation and she and Casey, though they barely know each other, blindly believe everything they say to each other. She has said things about me that are completely untrue or exaggerated because of this. There has been drama between us that is completely unnecessary, mostly stemming from the sole reason of me disapproving of she and Casey dating. Quite frankly, EVERYONE disapproves. Every single person I've talked to disapproves, from random people to people who are good friends with Casey and Molly themselves. Brianna and I are simply the ones who have the guts to voice our opinions about it to Casey himself, and so we alone have received the backlash of their defensiveness and insecurities. I'm not saying anyone is in the right or wrong in this situation, because both parties could have handled things differently, but I will say again, all of that drama is completely unnecessary.

What Molly needs to understand is that Casey makes me out to be about a hundred thousand times worse than I really am to him, just like she claims her exes do to her. She should take what he says with a grain of salt, for the reason that he is my ex who I hurt the feelings of and is obviously going to say things like that, and because he, as I've mentioned previously, isn't very mature or stable about the things he says. She shouldn't go around talking about how horrible I am or how she thinks she has to "clean up the mess I made" of Casey. She should respect that I have my own side of things too and continue her relationship with Casey without me being in the forefront of it anymore. That being said, Casey should also not make me a big component of his relationship with Molly anymore, as I previously have been practically the main focus. They should both slowly forget my existence and move on.

I do not claim to be a "victim" in this situation, though Casey says I do. There is no "victim" in the end of a relationship. But I will tell you, out of the two of us, there is only one who is purposely doing and saying things with the sole intent of hurting the other person, and that isn't me. I personally am only trying to resolve things as best as I can so that we can all continue with our lives, which is what I've been trying to do anyway. Before, I made the mistake of trying to remain Casey's friend and advise him, solely because I care about him, but I understand now that I should not have tried to do that because he hasn't calmed down or matured enough from our breakup yet to interact with me in a positive manner.

Even now I don't hold very much resentment towards Casey personally. One day he will grow up and realize that, yes, I did hurt him, but the overall way he acted towards me was completely unnecessary and insensitive, and hurt me a lot coming from someone I cared about so much. If he ever wants to contact me in the distant future then I'm all for it, but for now, I want nothing -- no tumblr message, no reply to this post, no reblog, no text, no call, no facebook message, no twitter message, no absolutely anything he could think of. I want he and Molly to completely leave me alone and stop talking shit about me, and I will do the same for them.

And that about wraps that up.