I’ve been super emotional this last week and finally broke down in tears after getting back to gf’s place.
I’m starting my new job on Monday and I’m having complex trains of thought that I don’t think I consciously understand and am finding myself crying at seemingly the oddest triggers.
It feels like the end of an era; I’m finished 3rd level education for the foreseeable future. I’m starting a job in my field and my day to day life is going to change dramatically.
I’ve had the same weekend job for just over 5 years. I’ve been able to spend every second weekend with my mother. That is more time together than with any other member of my family, and for the most part, it was lovely. I’m going to miss it so much.
I’ve had the summer since I finished college classes basically to spend how I liked. I spent nearly all of it with Noelle and it was so wonderful. I only worked weekends so I had all the hours in the days between Sunday night and Friday afternoon to spend with her. As of Monday however, it will invert. She’ll be living with her parents like she had been all summer while working on her hats and her new business, while I’m living in town and commuting an hour each way to work. I’m so upset about this. I feel like I’m letting her down, or abandoning her. Her days are pretty hard, and I know I’ve been helping get her through them. She’s told me that I have no reason to feel selfish but I do, I’m going and taking a job in another county, and losing out on all the hours in the day that I’d rather be spending with her.
I’ve had an emotionally complicated relationship with my family for as long as I remember. I’ve always been standoffish with my parents and sisters, it makes family things like tonight’s going away party for my little sister particularly hard. I’d love to be bubbly and involved in the conversation, but instead, I find myself trying to find a quiet place to hide. It’s always the same too. I don’t understand the feelings and emotions I feel relating to my relationships with my family, but I want to work on that and perhaps that should be something I bring up early on when I start to see a new therapist in a few weeks.
I’ve been toing and froing over getting back into seeing a therapist for months now, but with seemingly everything in my life changing, I think now is a good time to do it. I’m getting weary of pushing down emotions and feelings so that I can try to be there for others or to save those feelings to evaluate later.
If you’ve read all this, thank you I guess. I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing or keeping a journal and this felt good