The Ugly Phase
I recently prayed to God that I would have long hair. Silly, I know but the bible says “ask and it will be given to you.” (Matthew 7:7) Almost immediately, I noticed my hair was breaking off more. Hair is designed to break and shed but I noticed that whenever I touched my hair, it seems as if my curled ends ended up on the floor. I told my hairdresser about this at my most recent appointment and she determined that my hair was breaking because it was dry, as well my scalp and it would benefit me to begin moisturizing my hair and scalp every other day. I can’t say I was shocked. I rarely touch my hair outside of my hair appointments, so I know I wasn’t taking care of my scalp and hair like I should be, so why wouldn’t it break off? Now, I have a cabinet full of top rated hair and scalp moisturizers and so far, I have moisturized my hair and scalp the recommended amount of times. My hair is also the shortest it’s been in a long time due to a recent trim and the hair breakage. Welcome to the “ugly phase.” The phase where we’re getting healthy on the inside but it’s not reflecting on the outside. We all have ugly phases and anyone who tells you that they haven’t, is either in denial or lying.
No one gets from point a to point b without a little ugly. How would I know my hair and scalp was as unhealthy as it is if I didn’t have the breakage that I did? How can I grow and retain my hair length without learning new healthy hair practices? This is what the ugly phase teaches us. Recently, I was listening/watching a podcast where a relationship therapist was discussing “relational norm violations,” such as cheating, abuse, financial indiscretions, and other indiscretions and she stated around 70% of couples survived and found their relationships to be even stronger than before. While no one wants to go through an ugly phase such as hair breakage or a relational norm violation, these types of things take the rose-colored glasses off, shock us out of denial, and force us to face what is really going on. Whenever a couple brags about not arguing, fighting, or how perfect their relationship is, I can guarantee you that there are a bunch of problems behind closed doors, someone is in denial, or someone is biting their tongue and biding their time but 9 times out of 10, that couple is headed for a break up. Conflict is inevitable in even the healthiest of relationships. Even if you and your spouse grew up together, did everything together, and love the same things, conflict is unavoidable because no two people are alike. If siblings, who have known each other their entire lives and have the same parents, don’t always get along, why do you think you and your spouse will always agree? The problem is that many people bite their tongues and refuse to stir the waters because they want their relationship/partner to be perfect and if they speak their minds or tell the truth, they feel like they’re ruining their relationship. So instead of telling the truth and working through their feelings with the other person, they choose to seethe until one day, there is an inevitable blow up that the other person didn’t see coming because the other person never told the truth. How many stories of failed relationships, not just romantic ones, begin with “I never knew they felt like that” or “I thought we were perfect” or “I didn’t know they were unhappy” and the famous one “I thought things were fine.”
If you want to be healthy and not just look healthy, you have to go through the ugly phase and do the work. Life requires constant maintenance. Like with my hair, I can’t wash and treat it once every two weeks and expect to have long, healthy hair. I must maintain and work through the things I want. You cannot have the things you want without going through a process, hence the ugly phase.