idk if this is gonna make sense but thinking about scott trying to grow from his past. "what have i done?" he wonders out loud. / someone, whether taunting him or saying the absolute worst thing as comfort, "what haven't you done?" / and scott just laughs, "what haven't i done!" ... then his face falls and he's like "oh god, what haven't i done." i just think it's neat idk i want to see him suffer as he tries to adapt to his feelings and new knowledge
YES. YES EXACTLY THIS IS THE VIBE.
like
i need you all to truly imagine was is like to have been going for about 800 years of life, and at some point the emotions dulled. they mixed with eachother, they turned into this big mush in which you can barely differentiate between what makes you feel good and makes you feel bad
hunger is bad, and eating is good. betrayal is bad, loyalty is good. power, fear, control.... all of these are the necessary tools to keep those two things that you know are good
and the things you did 800 years ago to have fun probably shifted through the years, but it's not like you had to adapt to those changes do you? you dont change. so you're still from whichever emperors or warmongerers dinasty you were from.
and stagnation brings apathy. and numbness. a dull to how you process stuff not to mention your mourality
and now fast forward, and a lot of stuff happened, and you slowly start gaining those emotions back.
first is grief, then it's care, then it's protectiveness, then it's freedom
and it's not until later, when more time passes: it's the realization. it's suddenly sifting throughout your memories for funny or interesting stories to tell your friends and feeling your gut twisting knowing they would probably hate what you did
it's looking back at your actions and no longer feel detachment but the raw feeling of disgust at what you said, at the actions you took, and the lives you ruined
it's probably suddenly feeling the paranoia of reacting in a way to something and chastising yourself because you're Not That Anymore, and the disgust at knowing that you could probably end up like that again and not wanting to
like.
every single year scott goldsmith stays a.... not good, but let's say decent person it's against whatever person or being he was for Almost A Millennia, and i do fully believe he will probably, as long as he doesnt lose contact with his emotions again, always be absolutely haunted by the horrible things he did
and doing the work with that is not redemption of absolution, it's just. putting the work and fucking dealing with it.
