so, anything on your mind about pallas and agnes? đ (i saw all the poetry reblogs so you are definitely thinking about them)
oh. oh boy. here i go i guess. full warning that i cannot legally be held responsible for what this answer becomes since they do consume so many of my waking thoughts. (however thank you mud endlessly for enabling me on this. i owe you my firstborn child and maybe my life lmao)
but before we get really into this: vague trigger warning for just. all of this relationship in general. this is at its core two very traumatized teenagers in a shit situation latching onto each other in an unhealthy way and forming a codependency that damages them both even further in order to cope. they do learn. they do grow. they do get better over time. but right now itâs Bad.
okay so lately iâve been thinking about just,,, the evolution of this particular dynamic both in the book and outside of it in a more metaphorical sense, since it also kinda sorta consumed the Narrative as a whole and forced me to refocus a lot of it onto them as a result. like what. what even is that. how does that even happen. i definitely donât know but it sure did and iâm gonna talk about it.
in its wip intro i briefly described Lay Me Down as âan exploration of the toxic friendships we form in our youth set against a backdrop of ghosts and murderâ, and that breaks it down in the simplest way possible. there are, obviously, many many different aspects of the story that it couldnât it exist without, but the relationship between pallas and agnes is what i consider to be the main emotional throughline of at least this first book, and if these two didnât meet then one or both of them would be dead and the plot of like. the whole book probably wouldnât happen. it comes together into a perfect storm that turns into a giant snowball rolling down a knife-covered hill into hell.
when pallas meets agnes they are desperate. they just fucked up an important mission from the director and are terrified out of their mind (not that they show it) of returning to the library empty-handed. so they make a split second decision to spare her life and take her back with them, hoping that by bringing a fresh recruit to her door theyâll be spared some of the directors anger. itâs all business. all careful calculation, scrambling for a solution like they have so many other times purely to save their own skin. thatâs honestly all there is.
and the gamble pays off! theyâre let off the hook for the âfailureâ with seemingly no punishment at all! the director is even impressed with them! everything is coming up pallas! until the director reveals that itâs not that simple (with the director itâs never that simple. always another shoe ready to drop) and that because they are the one who bought her here, at such a risk to the continued security and exclusivity of the library, pallas is now fully responsible for overseeing agnes and her progress within it. and the subtext is painfully clear: if agnes fails it will mean that pallas has failed. her success is now their success. her mistakes their mistakes, her advancement now directly tied to their status as the libraryâs top pupil.
pallas isnât very happy about this, but they literally cannot stand the concept of failure in any capacity (failure means youâre weak. weakness means you die), so they go from being kind of indifferent towards agnes to seeing her as an investment to be protected, their insurance to their place at the top of the pecking order. so they look out for her. they show her how things work. they make sure sheâs safe in a place where virtually nothing is. inadvertently turning themselves into her protecter whether they like it or not. it takes them literally almost dying (well, as close as pallas can get to dying) and agnes helping them in that crisis, seeing them vulnerable in a way few people do, for this to change and force them to admit they care for her as anything other than just another project or mission theyâve been tasked with completing.
this is because pallas has a deeply, deeply skewed idea about how relationships with anyone are supposed to work on a very basic level. they donât know how to care about someone without hurting them in some way because they believe the only thing theyâre good for is hurting and killing (thanks director). they would quite literally, actually rather die then show vulnerability to anyone (thanks director). they view everything as a transaction, a barter and trade of kindness for favours in turn (thanks director). theyâve been raised to believe that everything that makes them soft and vulnerable and kind and human should be metaphorically dragged behind the shed and shot (THANKS director). and more then that: the only other person they ever let their guard down around, the only person they had a semi-functional relationship with, their best friend, was removed from their life (by guess who. guess who. fucking guess who. i hate the director so much itâs unreal.) in a very painful way that was also partially their doing, leaving them scared of ever trusting anyone again.
but they do trust agnes, despite it all they do, and more then that they care about her in a way they havenât cared about anyone (except maybe the director) since nina died. and once they finally realize that they grab on with both hands and refuse to let go. there is so little kindness in their world, there is so little good, and despite everything theyâve done and everything they are agnes is still kind to them. she treats them like a person, not a monster, not a weapon, just a person. human and soft and vulnerable, all of the things theyâve been told they cannot and will never be. pallas knows what they are, they know what theyâve done, but they canât help but lean towards her and cling to every scrap of affection she gives them. more than anything pallas sees this as a sort of second chance. they couldnât keep nina away from dangerous thinking, couldnât protect her. but theyâre stronger now, sharper, better, and this time they wonât allow themself to fail.
and when agnes meets pallasâŚ. oh boy. letâs just say sheâs been put through the GAUNTLET. the first three chapters of the book are basically just Agnes And The Awful Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. sheâs hurt. sheâs lost her family. sheâs been chased away from the only home sheâs ever known by people out to kill her for something she canât control into the super evil dangerous magic forest she was told to avoid at any costs. she hasnât eaten for days. itâs pouring rain. sheâs covered in blood. everything even remotely sentient sheâs come across has either tried to strangle her or drown her or murder her in basically every way imaginable.
until something doesnât.
itâs such a little thing, but even though they use magic and FULLY intend on hurting her, the fact that pallas doesnât just immediately try to kill her is enough for agnes in that moment. sheâs been lost and alone and hurt for so long that she is 100% willing to latch on to the first person that offers a chance of safety and survival. and pallas does offer her that chance, they give her a place to go and someone to follow and the chance to learn about the powers that sheâs only ever been able to see as a curse. they offer her a way forward, a way to live, and of course agnes accepts it. she has no other choice.
and pallas terrifies her. they completely and totally terrify her and she is all to aware of how they could hurt her if they wanted to. but they donât. they could but they donât. and when sheâs adjusting to the library they help her, even if they say theyâre only doing it out of obligation, they still help her. they quickly become protector and confidant and guide all wrapped into one for her, the one thing even slightly familiar in a world of new and terrifying magic. she follows them around all day, eats food with them, spends basically any time theyâre not away on missions with them. at first itâs for her own protection (pallas is a force to be reckoned with and has a vested interest in her safety), but they quickly become her anchor, something safe to fall back on even if theyâre made up of every sharp edge imaginable.
and because of that she sees parts of pallas no one else really does. theyâre not only cold and calculating and cruel, theyâre sarcastic and intelligent and awkward and desperately lonely. they know so much more than her and nothing at the same time. they need someone, anyone to be there. itâs the least she can do. the least she can give them for the life they could have so easily taken from her. even when they regress and threaten to kill her after she brings up nina (nina who she sees, nina who she canât stop seeing) they still donât do it, they find her and they sit with her and they promise it will never happen again and she doesnât really believe them but she stays anyways. of course she does. she has no other choice.
and they come to her helpless. and they come to her bleeding. and she pulls a bullet from inside them and they wash the blood from each otherâs hands and curl up on the carpet back to back and they are young and scared and just like her and more than her and nothing like her at all. and she canât give up on them. like her father never gave up on her mother despite all her barbed words and bitterness. he never left, he stayed until the very end. she wonât ever leave. pallas is terrifying and awful and smarter then she ever could be. pallas is her only friend. she would be dead without them, and they tell her she needs to be cruel but she knows they need her to be kind. she canât help but be kind, she knows they could be kind to, if they ever got the chance. and even if they never are, theyâre something, and that has to be enough.
in conclusion:
[ID. A digital doodle of Pallas and Agnes done in a simplistic, cartoony style. They stand side by side looking at each other out of the corner of their eyes, Pallas unsure and Agnes slightly curious. There are thought bubbles above each of their heads. Pallasâs reads âi could make her worseâ and Agnesâs reads âi could fix themâ. END ID]
