#thinkingmonologue

[thinkingmonologue]

Homecoming

Back in the house I grew up in for the week, watching my brother's dog. Unclear if this is going to be therapeutic in a strange way or really fuck with my head. I'm going to choose to be hopeful. Being here, reading, working, living, caring for the dog are all pieces of myself that I know exist but haven't existed together in a while. I'm going to force myself to clean and move and read and write. Let's see how long this lasts.

[thinkingmonologue]

The fear of being alone or feeling lonely

I can't ever quite tell if what I am afraid of is actually being alone or feeling lonely. And if it's feeling lonely, aren't I already there?

More often than not I spend my night entirely alone. I can't remember the last time I slept in the comfort of someone else's embrace. If I am up late it is usually just in an effort to find someone fuck so that I can forget briefly that I am once again sleeping alone.

I don't mind waking up alone. But going to bed just seems like a defeat. Waking up alone invigorates a hope that perhaps today will be different. As the dusk closes in and I realize once again I have failed to find my perfect soul mate the loneliness creeps in.

I don't hate feeling lonely. It feels like a welcome friend some days. Something to expect and hold onto. But maybe I'm just tricking myself.

For the first time in probably over a decade, I am spending an entire week in my home town. I'll be puppy sitting for my brother....and I'm going to try and write everyday. Maybe a homecoming is what I need to feel more connected to other people and myself again.

[oh-jensen]

Just wanted to say hello and thanks for the follow!

Well, hello, and thank you yourself!