#thinkingoutloud

[mcybank]

kinktober except it’s angstober and i find 31 ways to hurt every single character

[fullybloomed-aseel]

ماما روحي

I wish people would ask me about her more often. I feel I owe it to her to keep talking about how kind and loving she was. I wish she could see how responsible I have become. Ironically, if she hadn’t passed, we wouldn’t have been gone through the hardships that shaped us.

It hit me that "home" isn’t the house we used to gather at every weekend, rather, it’s a place I rent, where I do my best to turn it into my home.

With a heavy heart, I carry the love I have for her and the resentment I hold against my father.

I gave people around me more roles than they are capable of holding. For example, I see my sister as my mum, my friend, and my mentor. So when she gets overwhelmed, I feel bad about myself because I know no one but Mama could have loved me unconditionally.

But then, I grieve losing the friend who was the mother and the father I needed. He gave me a love I didn't even know I was missing and filled that deep void in my heart.

Whenever something pops up, the question I have in my mind is the same one I had during her funeral: “Mama, what should I do?” Except there is no one to respond. Not even him. 🤍

[ihearrtwendy]

I'm not sure what's going on. Almost everything brings me to tears these days. Thinking about how much I miss my family, watching movies, listening to music, people being nice to me, driving around. All these things that used to bring me peace and solace now test me the most. I'm also so tired. I haven't felt this exhausted since I was trying different medications in university. I haven't been taking anything for probably over a year. I do have a rescue medication that helps me sleep, though. Maybe I should try taking that. Maybe a good night's rest will have me waking up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. LOL. If only.

[fullybloomed-aseel]

ماما روحي كانت رح تكون ٥٤ سنة اليوم. 💗🕊️

[fullybloomed-aseel]

أحببتك رغم أنّنا لم نلتقِ، أحببتك لأنّي كتبتُ لك وتعلّمت منك. أحببتك لأنّك -وبالرغم من كونك بعيدًا كل البعد عني- كنت الوحيد الذي لامس قلبي ورأى نقاءه بدلًا من هشاشته.

أسأل الله أن تكون أيّامك دافئة بدفء وددت لو أنّي من منحتك إيّاه.

[fullybloomed-aseel]

الحمدُ لله على نعمة اليوم الجديد. 🏡🐾

اللهم ارحمني رحمةً تُغنيني بها عن رحمة مَن سواك واجعل خيرَ أيّامي يوم ألقاك. 💗

[fullybloomed-aseel]

أبدأ صباحي بقول: صباح الخير ماما، أُحبكِ جدًا.

لا أتحدث عنها لأي أحد، لا لأنني نسيتها، بل لأن الكلمات لا تُعبّر عمّا أعيشه من أمل وألم. أتجنّب قول "ماما الله يرحمها"، رغم يقيني بأنّها بجوار الله، وأن هذا ما سعت له طوال حياتها من عطاء وعبادة.

أسعى لإبقائها حاضرة في إطعام القطط والصدقة والقرب من الله، فأحوّل ألم الفقد إلى عطاء وامتداد من الحسنات يصل لروحها، ويصلني بها. 💗

[fullybloomed-aseel]

أحببتك وأحببتُ ما أخرجتَه مني، من حُب وألم.