An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
“Drew was pretty pissed, huh?” Toni winced. Way to make her not feel guilty. Drew made it very clear he hated dealing with customers and having to stay late. It was already past lights-out at the hostel.
“I guess.”
Okay, now she was like a tomb in one of those Indiana Jones movies Bernice liked so much. Did that mean if she wanted to get through to Shelby she’d need a cool hat like Harrison Ford's?
“Lemme know if he messes with you or anything.” Toni balled a piece of lint in her pocket.
“Something like that,” Toni replied with a small smile.
Here's chapter 5 of I Was Not Born to Drown brought to you by HelloFresh @hadtochangemyurlquick who has spent many hours looking at it.
Read her ranch au meet me in the dream of this hard land, it has horses, haunted houses, and some gay shit. Check it out.
Trigger warnings: references to child abuse, foul language
Chapter 33: Conversations in the Dark
Dean
Gabriel negotiates an earlier move-in time with someone in charge of the apartment complex, so Dean and Cas move in on the last day of finals AKA May, 5th. All their friends help them move in: Charlie, Crowley, Benny, Meg, Garth, and Gabriel and Jo also swing by to help. It’s a busy hour as they transfer all the stuff they already had from the two dorms and unpack. Then the real adventure begins. They all pile into cars and go to Walmart to pick up items they had ordered online. They split into teams. Gabriel, Benny, Charlie, and Garth go to put the couch in the bed of Garth’s truck. Crowley and Meg help Cas gather the appliances that Cas bought; Dean’s still not sure what all Cas bought. Before parting ways, Dean pulls Cas aside and kisses him. Cas chuckles and pulls Dean into his arms, dips him, and smiles before kissing him. If Dean forgets how to breathe in those moments, that’s Dean’s business.
“Really guys?” Benny laughs. “You’re only gonna be apart for maybe an hour.”
“You join a different team than Garth and then you can judge us.” Dean replies.
Cas laughs and waves at Dean before walking over to Crowley and Meg.
“Well Dean, you got me there.” Benny still flips Dean off as he says it.
Dean flips him off back.
“Friendship,” Charlie laughs.
“Your friends are weird, Dean.” Jo says. “I like them.”
Dean laughs and hugs Jo. He missed this little shit when she was at Tech.
“Missed you too, idjit.” Jo hugs Dean back.
“Okay, Team Find Stuff To Buy For The Kitchen! Let’s go!” Charlie says.
They spend an hour finding dishware and kitchen items. There are five bee items and Dean is honestly surprised he found them.
They have a movie-night packed together in the apartment. There’s only room for three people on the couch and Garth, Benny, and Gabriel called dibs since they transported it to the apartment and hauled it up the stairs because it didn’t fit in the elevator. Everyone else is sprawled out on the floor. Dean’s in the middle of it all. He’s sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch under where Garth sits with his legs criss-crossed. Cas is lying on the floor with his knees up and his torso in Dean’s lap. Dean’s running his fingers through Cas’s hair. Charlie fell asleep an hour ago with her face resting against Dean’s shoulder. She’s snoring…sometimes loudly and Dean’s having trouble not laughing about it. It’s right in his ear, but he doesn’t want to make too much noise and wake Charlie up. Beside Charlie, is Jo who is asleep, curled in a ball underneath a blanket that Gabriel dropped over her thirty minutes ago. Dean watched Gabriel do it and was glad that at least Cas had Gabriel to get him through his shitty childhood. Dean figures if the guy does something nice like that for someone he met today then he probably did other nice stuff for Cas growing up…at least that’s how Cas makes it sound. He’s not exactly chatty about his childhood. And Dean doesn’t blame him. Obviously. To Dean’s left is Meg who is asleep with her legs propped over Cas’s knees. Beside Meg is Crowley who is sitting on the floor, watching the movie. That’s better than fifteen minutes ago when he suggested that they draw on Meg’s face with a permanent marker.
Dean feels a gentle hand on his wrist, and he looks to see Cas staring up at him.
“What?” Dean asks. He can’t help but smile. There’s just something so soft in Cas’s expression.
“Welcome home,” Cas smiles.
Dean’s heart speeds up and he can’t help but grin. He has a home. “Welcome home, Cas. I would kiss you, but I don’t want to make Charlie fall on her face.”
“Yes, let’s not do that to Charlie. It would be cruel.” Cas replies. His smile is just so soft.
“I love you, ya dork.”
“I love you too, fellow dork.”
…
Castiel
May 9
Castiel looks for Meg after her Psychology major graduation ceremony is over. It has been raining all day, so the major ceremonies were held inside different buildings on campus.
Meg struts over to Castiel. She’s wearing combat boots under her graduation robe; Castiel can hear her distinct stomp and smiles. Meg really went all out today despite her need to “rebel” a little bit with the boots. Her long dark hair is in a braid. It looks nice. She’s probably wearing her usual attire under the robes and did just enough for “nice” pictures for her parents.
“You did it!” Castiel says, hugging Meg tightly. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Shut up.” Meg laughs. “I cannot believe they held this thing in the fucking gym. Who the hell thought this was a good idea?”
“I don’t know, but at least you got to have the outdoor ceremony yesterday. That was the big one.”
“I’m really sorry you couldn’t go yesterday. I wanted to get you a ticket, but I ran out.”
“It’s okay, Meg. You still get to go to mine next year.”
Meg grins. “I’m glad. I’ll dress up and everything.” Meg undoes her braid and removes her robe to reveal her usual all-black outfit.
“Isn’t it a little hot for a leather jacket?” Castiel asks.
“The price of fashion Cas, catch up.” Meg winks.
Castiel just laughs.
…
Dean
It’s May 9th and Dean’s writing fanfiction while he waits up for Cas who’s out celebrating Meg’s graduation with Meg.
There’s a knock on the apartment door. Dean answers the door to find Meg propping Cas up with one arm around his waist and one of his arms around her shoulders.
“Dean!” Cas says in a loud voice. He pulls away from Meg and stumbles over to Dean.
Dean catches Cas just as he falls over. “Are you two okay?” Dean asks.
“Yeah. We had the best time!” Meg shouts. She nearly falls backwards, and Dean grabs her arm to steady her.
“You good?” Dean asks.
“You’re so pretty, Dean.” Cas says right in Dean’s ear.
“I should probably sit down.” Meg walks over to the couch.
“That’s a good idea.” Dean replies.
“So beautiful. So smart.” Cas says.
Cas and Meg both smell sweet like alcohol and also…something kind of fruity? Like they drank something with cherries or strawberries in it.
Dean decides that’s not really important right now.
“Hey Meg, do you want to stay here tonight?” Dean asks. He can’t remember if Cas mentioned whether or not Meg was staying over tonight.
He can’t exactly ask Cas right now.
“That would be fantastic, but I don’t have any clothes to wear except these ones. Can I borrow some?” Meg replies.
“You can borrow my cat ones.” Cas says before dropping his head onto Dean’s shoulder.
“I love the cat ones! Thank you!” Meg yells.
“Okay. And Meg? Say goodnight to Cas. He’s about to fall asleep on me.” Dean says.
“Night, Cas-tee-el.” Meg says.
“Night Meg.” Cas mumbles. He leans more against Dean and the next thing Dean knows, they’re both on the floor.
“Are you okay?” Dean asks Cas as he looks him over for injuries.
“I’m fine. Just tired.” Cas says.
“Okay, do you want me to carry you?”
“Yes,”
“Okay, one, two, three.” Dean picks Cas up bridal-style and carries him into the bedroom. He gently lays him on the bed and says, “I’ll be back. I need to bring Meg the pajamas. Can I go through your drawer or should I just give her some of my clothes instead?”
“Go through the drawer.” Cas curls up on the bed.
Dean carefully digs through Cas’s drawer for the cat pajamas. While he’s digging, he comes across a paper with a bunch of words and scratch-marks on it. Dean puts that back where he found it and continues searching. Dean would flip if Cas looked through something he had written without his permission, so he sure as hell isn’t doing that to Cas.
Finally, Dean finds the requested pajamas and a spare towel. He walks back into the living room and puts the towel on the coffee-table. He hands Meg the pajamas and says, “The towel is for whenever you want a shower; everything in the bathroom is free to use. Feel free to eat anything you find in the kitchen and please use the tv if you want, but please keep it down. Can I get you anything else?”
“I’m really glad you’re with Castiel.” Meg smiles and she’s staring over Dean’s shoulder like she maybe sees three Deans instead of just the one. “He needed someone good and you’re so good, Dean. To him. To everyone around you really. I don’t know how you do it.” Meg shakes her head. “But you still do it. You two were,” she scrunches her face together like she’s trying to think. “You weren’t made for each other. Not at all. But you…you complete each other maybe. It’s like, everything you don’t have, he has, and everything he doesn’t have, you have. At least from an outsider’s perspective.”
“I’m really glad you support us. I love him a lot. It means a lot that you as his best friend support this relationship.”
“Of course, if you hurt him, I will gut you like a fish.”
Dean nods. “Understood.” He walks to the bedroom. “Goodnight, Meg.”
“Goodnight, Dean.” Meg says in a sing-songy voice.
Dean chuckles and shakes his head.
He gets to the room and finds Cas curled in a ball in the middle of the bed.
Dean walks over and gently shakes Cas’s shoulder. “Hey, let’s get you in some pj’s. You’ll be more comfortable.”
Cas sits up and latches onto Dean’s arm. “Don’t wanna. Wanna sleep now.”
“Can I at least take your shoes off for you?” Dean asks.
Cas nods and Dean takes Cas’s shoes off.
“Let’s sleep.” Cas says.
Dean gets in bed, fully clothed and Cas curls up beside Dean, wrapping an arm around him. Dean makes sure not to initiate any contact while Cas is drunk, but he allows Cas to hug him like this. It’s nice. Cas is out in like, two seconds. Dean chuckles and listens to his boyfriend’s steady breathing. And eventually, Dean falls asleep too.
…
Castiel
June 27
Dean has been on edge all day. Sam’s coming here tomorrow to visit for a week and Dean has spent the past two weeks doing what Castiel can only describe as panic-cleaning. Dean has started doing all of the chores and sometimes goes behind Castiel and redoes the chores he does, he has planned several meals and alternative meals for the whole week, he rearranged the pantry three times, rearranged the spices four times: in order of use, alphabetically, in order of expiration date, and then he put it back to being in order of use because he found that organization to be more efficient…in order of use is more efficient, but Castiel doesn’t want Dean to spend all his time panic-cleaning. It’s not healthy.
Dean changed the bookshelves too. He undid the rainbow shelves and put them in order of author last name. Castiel cried the first time he saw that. Castiel’s pretty sure that Dean noticed because when he got back from lunch with Gabriel that afternoon, the bookshelves were rainbow shelves once again and Dean had put his bi-pride rug under the coffee-table in the living room and Castiel’s rainbow mug was sitting on the coffee-table with colorful pens in it. Dean never said anything about it and neither did Castiel.
Castiel’s worried. He knows Dean wants to make a good impression for Sam, but he’s worried that he’s putting too much pressure on the visit.
Like right now when Castiel can hear Dean sobbing in the bathroom. The sound is muffled like Dean’s pressing his face against a towel or something, but Castiel would know that sound anywhere.
Castiel makes some coffee and puts a tablespoon of sugar and two tablespoons of Funfetti creamer in it; just like Dean likes it. Castiel makes himself a cup too and uses the caramel macchiato creamer in his. He puts a lot of creamer in his.
Castiel puts Dean’s mug on the coffee-table and drinks his own cup of coffee while he pretends to browse their bookshelves and not listen to his boyfriend cry.
When Dean walks out of the bathroom, Castiel says, “I made you some coffee.”
“Thanks, Cas.” Dean replies. His voice is scratchy, and the sound hurts Castiel’s heart.
Castiel’s still facing the bookshelf and waits a few seconds to turn around and look at Dean. He needs to approach him carefully about this.
Castiel looks at Dean and sees his blotchy face, bloodshot eyes, and shaking smile.
Fuck it.
“Dean, what’s wrong?” Castiel asks.
“Nothing’s wrong,” Dean says immediately.
Shit. Too heavy-handed.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Castiel tries to smile at Dean and changes the subject by asking, “What do you want to watch with dinner?”
“I don’t know.” Dean sounds so tired. “Was there anything you wanted to watch? We could re-watch Nailed It! if you want.”
Castiel feels like someone is squeezing his heart. He sits on the couch and says, “Let’s browse.”
Dean sits beside Castiel.
“Can we cuddle?” Castiel asks.
Dean doesn’t answer right away. He looks lost in thought. His face is scrunched up and he seems to be biting his inner-cheek, but Castiel can’t quite tell.
“Dean?” Castiel whispers.
“I’m not okay, Cas.” Dean admits. “I want to be, but I’m not.” Dean sniffles and puts his mug on the coffee-table. “What if this week sucks and he never talks to me again? I just,” Dean’s voice breaks. “It’s so pathetic, but I really want him to like being here,” Dean lets out a shaky breath. “I just—I really want him to like me. I want him to want to be my brother.” Dean drops his face into his hands. “I don’t know what to do.” He lets out a small sob.
“Oh, Dean,” Castiel gathers Dean into his arms.
Dean hugs Castiel back and buries his face in Castiel’s shoulder. Castiel can feel Dean’s tears soak into his t-shirt.
“I don’t—I don’t—I don’t wanna lose him again.” Dean sobs.
Castiel hugs Dean tightly and rubs small circles into his back. “I know,” Castiel says. “If I may speak candidly, I really don’t think you’re going to lose him. It always sounds like you two get along so well in your conversations. And he’s coming here during his summer break. That’s a big deal, Dean. That means he already likes having you as his brother. Also, you have already planned out every meal for the entire visit, you’ve scheduled events and meetings with friends and all sorts of other preparations. You have made it very clear that you care. He will feel that. I don’t know if he’s going to stay—not for sure. But I would be surprised if he ceased all contact with you. I imagine this is very scary for you though because you don’t know what will happen yet. And your feelings are valid. I’m not trying to tell you to stop feeling them. I’m just saying that I do think that it will be okay. But for now, please cry all you need to. It’s safe to cry here.”
Eventually, Dean calms down and hugs Castiel a little tighter before saying, “Thanks.”
“Any time, my love.”
“You’re too good to me, Cas.”
“No. I’m not. You deserve even more kindness and love than I can bring you. I am in fact, a poor substitute for what you deserve, but I am ever so happy and honored to be the one to love you in this capacity.”
“If that’s the case, then let’s meet in the middle and say that you are exactly what I need.”
Castiel’s heart melts and he kisses Dean’s cheek. “And you are exactly what I need.”
They sit in silence for a few beats, just holding each other. Then Castiel has an idea.
“Can I show you a song?” Castiel asks.
“Yeah; I like your song recommendations.” Dean says.
Castiel doesn’t know how to tell Dean this song is not a recommendation, but rather a message. He lets go of Dean and pulls his phone out. He holds out his free hand to Dean. Dean smiles and takes Castiel’s hand in his, lacing their fingers. Castiel uses one hand to load Spotify and pull up his Dean playlist. He selects “Conversations in the Dark” by John Legend and turns it up.
He watches Dean as the song plays. He hopes Dean likes the song…he hopes Dean likes what Castiel’s trying to tell him.
“And you say that you're not worth it
You get hung up on your flaws
Well, in my eyes you are perfect
As you are.”
Dean’s eyes widen at that stanza. He freezes.
Then the chorus plays, and Dean looks right into Castiel’s eyes. His green eyes are welling up with tears and Castiel regrets playing the song. He didn’t want Dean to cry. He should’ve known Dean would cry. He just wanted to tell Dean that he loves him. He wanted to make Dean a promise through the song.
When John Legend sings about blowing off all his plans to be with his beloved, Dean gives Castiel’s hand a gentle squeeze and smiles a wobbly smile at him. Castiel smiles and squeezes Dean’s hand back.
When the song’s over, Dean says, “I won’t break yours either, Cas.” His green eyes are shining with tears and his bottom lip is quivering. “I promise.”
“Dean, everything you do, it’s for love…or a general wish to make the world a better place for others.” Castiel says, putting his phone in his pocket. “I know how you see yourself. I know you zoom in on your insecurities, but Dean, that’s not what the rest of us see.” Castiel gently takes his hand out of Dean’s and cradles Dean’s face with both hands. “That’s probably not what your brother sees. It’s certainly not what Charlie and Benny and Jo and Bobby—and no, fuck it. They’re your parents, Dean. They want you. We all want you.” Castiel gently wipes away the tears that are now streaming down Dean’s face. “And we’re lucky to have you in our lives. You…you radiate love and goodness, and you want to spend your whole life helping people. That is the career path you have chosen—and yes, there is the problem in the library field of romanticization of the job—but that’s not what we’re talking about and honestly, I don’t think that’s what you’re going to do. You ask questions. You push for things to be better. That’s all you do. You just…you’re so giving. And kind. Dean, it’s so hard to find people who are genuinely kind, but you are kind. And thoughtful. And you write all those memos on the fridge to help you remember important things. And I know that you found my poem when you were rummaging through my clothes after Meg and I got drunk after she graduated, but you didn’t read it. You’re,” Castiel searches for the words. He struggles to find them, and he finally says, “You’re the most selfless, loving person I’ve ever met. I’ll never meet anyone with as big a heart as you have. I just know it, Dean.”
“You haven’t lived that long, Cas.” Dean jokes in a crackling voice.
Castiel smiles and shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. I could live a thousand lifetimes and never meet anyone as good and kind as you.”
“Cas,” Dean pulls his face out of Castiel’s hands and then he hugs Castiel. “Sometimes it feels like you’re my guardian angel.”
“Nah, no wings. Can’t fly.” Castiel replies.
Dean laughs and hugs Castiel tighter. “You’re such a shit. And I love you so much. You’re so…so inquisitive. You ask questions too and you don’t settle for injustice. You call anyone out on their bullshit—myself included—and I’m a better person for it. You love fiercely, but you’re so gentle. The way you hold me in your arms is just,” Dean’s voice cracks. “There are no words.” Dean laughs but it’s uneven. “You’ve got the writer fresh out of words. You’re so kind and endearing. You’re such a dork and I love you for it. I love that you wear your bee outfits and despite all the shit you went through because of your father, you’re unapologetically you. Most days. I know you have bad days too. But man, you’re so fucking brave. You’re probably the best person I’ve ever met—but don’t tell Charlie I said that.”
Castiel laughs even though tears are streaming down his face and he’s having trouble breathing past the lump building in his throat.
“I love just spending time in bed with you. Just holding you or being held. And, I love talking to you. Hell, I even tolerate silence as long as it’s you I’m being silent with.” Dean pulls away and kisses Castiel. It’s wet. They’re both crying. And then Dean pulls away and says, “I’m never going to meet anyone else like you either. There’s no one else who’s so…so honest and bold and thoughtful. And I am so grateful to whatever it was that made us get to know each other.”
“Some combination of my peppermint mocha and your kindness. I never would’ve gotten the courage to talk to you had that not happened.” Castiel admits.
Dean smiles and shakes his head. “Friggin’ peppermint.”
Before Castiel can ask about peppermint, Dean kisses him again. Castiel kisses Dean back.
“I will never try to change you, change you
I will always want the same you, same you
Swear on everything I pray to
That I won't break your heart
I'll be there when you get lonely, lonely
Keep the secrets that you told me, told me
And your love is all you owe me
And I won't break your heart.”
…
More Songs From Castiel’s Dean Playlist:
“Come And Get Your Love” – Redbone
“Blinding Lights” -The Weekend
“Simple Song” -The Shins
“If Ever I Stray” -Frank Turner
“Not Yet/Love Run (Reprise)” -The Amazing Devil
“Your Love” – William Cas
“It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” – R.E.M.
“This Modern Love” -Bloc Party
“Club Can’t Handle Me” -Flo Rida and David Guetta
“Something Just Like This” -The Chainsmokers and Coldplay
“You” -benny blanco, Marshmello, Vance Joy
“Let It Roll” -Flo Rida
“I Need You” -Tomo
“maybe, I’m afraid” -lovelytheband
...
@beautifulsaladkitten, the new chapter is up!:) I hope you like it!!:D
Thank you everyone for reading!!:D Two chapters left!!:D
