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thinking about how uu!spoke and uu!jamatop use their fear. in a way.

i can believe that after what he did to rose, he had done everything as a sort of atonement to the family. of the thousands of invisible players in the mafia, he had to dig them all out one by one. when he was at his lowest, those who had always run parallel to him, was his reminder that regardless of everything, he has changed. to them, to what's left of his allies, he's someone who tries. with that comes the fear that after all this time, no matter how much you've changed, they would change their mind too, and leave you behind.

i cannot deny that uu!jamato had his points. he may not have been there to know the extent of his actions, but what was once trust had turned into a solidified belief that there is nothing human left. to be so unshaken in this idea of someone is either a stubborn and close-minded individual or one who cannot fathom the idea that someone as dangerous as he is could be nothing but a monster. both of which, can only be guided by fear. fear that they were wrong, fear that action or inaction led to everything that's happening, fear that maybe, after all this, they were actually in the right.

both used their own fear of being in the wrong to do many things. it can bury the past or it can secure your future. what follows are the consequences. what follows is the other person, the only one left who can determine what dies: your friendship or what you want now.

they're too focused on each other. the war that uu!jamatop waged on uu!spoke affects (as of the moment) only him. they're fighting in the gray area of the civil war of new player's and old players. at the end of the day, the battle is founded on their perspectives of each other.

to uu!spoke, he sees someone new who can't go back to the way they were before because he compromised.

to uu!jamato, he sees someone he knew who can't be trusted even now that he's changed because he can't have faith anymore.

the only way either of them can stay sane is to hope that they're doing the right thing. and that's what it is — the ends of a ribbon that ties it all together. fear that they've gone too far, faith that they haven't reached the edge yet.

fear is tangible, that's why we tighten our grip.

faith is abstract, that's what makes it hard to accept it, even in the atonement you preach.