The first is cheap forgiveness, a fast and easy pardon, with no processing of emotion and no coming to terms with the injury. That is what making a decision to forgive is. It is an unemotional, intellectual decision to forgive. The forgiveness is premature, superficial, and undeserved. It is a unilateral attempt at peace-making and reconciliation, for which you ask nothing in return. It is dysfunctional because creates an illusion of closeness when nothing has been faced or resolved, and the offender has done nothing to earn it. By silencing your anger and indignation, you fail to acknowledge the harm that was done to you. This kind of forgiveness is not at all good for your health. It may preserve your relationship but does not provide any opportunity to develop a more intimate relationship. It also blocks personal growth, denying you insights into yourself that can help you develop more satisfying relationships. It can send the person who has hurt you a signal that he can continue to mistreat you. Cheap forgiveness may make you sick, physically and emotionally because you bury or deny your festering anger, which continues to fester. What can help you feel better is a less anger, which does not necessarily have to come from forgiveness but can come from acceptance of the person as he really is. The second is a self-righteous angry refusal to forgive in order to punish the offender. It cuts you off from any further dialogue with the offender and the possibility of any more positive resolution. It can poison you physically and emotionally. The third is acceptance, a gutsy, life-affirming response to injury when the person who has hurt you is unavailable or unrepentant. It is a way of letting go of festering anger without necessarily forgiving the offender, a satisfying alternative to forgiveness when the offender cannot or will not engage in the healing process, or is unwilling to take responsibility for his offense. It is based on a decision to take control of your pain, make sense of your injury, and carve out a relationship with the offender that works for you. It is a way of gaining further understanding and empathy for the offender’s own personal struggles. When you accept someone as he is, you remind yourself that although this person did something very hurtful to you, it was not necessarily about you. It helps you to see how he may have subjected you to the same mistreatment he experienced himself. Acceptance helps you be true to yourself, rid yourself of the anger that poisons your soul and can harm to our immune system. It is a way of freeing yourself of the burden of anger and rage by attempting to understand and even empathize with the person who has hurt you, without necessarily forgiving that person. The fourth is genuine forgiveness, the end result of an interpersonal process in which both the offender and the hurt party do the work of repentance and forgiveness
Dr. Sharon Farber
