#thismademesad

[tillitlive]

Drawing this made me so upset, idk why it just </3

[just-a-weird-fanfic-writer]

The Thunderstorm, Whumptober Day 1, 2019

@whumptober2019

No matter how old he gets, the storms always terrify him. It isn’t just the thunder, it’s the lightning when it lights up the sky. It’s the sounds that accompany it that drown out his sense of the world. It doesn’t matter what he does, he’ll still hear the thunder crack, he’ll still see the flash. He hates storms, he fucking hates them. He can’t think when they happen, and they make him feel so... Helpless. 

When he hears the first rumble, he freezes and watches as the lights flicker in horror. His eyes widen as he searches the room, looking for somewhere to hide. When thunder strikes again he can feel his body begin to shut down. Without a plan, he takes off to his room, running as fast as he can. 

He can’t get there fast enough, a feeling of dread urging him to go faster, nearly colliding with the door when he finally reaches it. Max darts into his room, nearly tripping over nothing and flinging himself under his blanket, hoping, praying that it will bring some sort of relief. 

He can hear voices traveling down the hallway towards his room. They’re angry, they’re shouting, and they’re mingling with the sounds of the storm. Outside, he can hear scratches on his window, long, deep scratches. He thinks it might just be the storm, or he hopes it is. 

When the voices reach his door they stop, and whispers start, emerging from the window almost like it’s slithering through. 

“Max, we won’t hurt you, we promise.” 

“Maaaax, let us innn.” 

The whispers promise so much, that if he’ll just open the window, it’ll all stop. 

“It’ll be over soon.” 

It’s like a nail on a chalkboard, and it’s slow, constant. The voice is high pitched and broken.

The yelling from the door continues once more. All the people he can’t make himself call friends or family. 

“GROW UP YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!”

Max can’t breathe, he can’t hear it again. 

He opens his eyes from under the blanket, and he can’t see anything until lightning fills the room, and then all he can see is a shadow at the window. 

“I’m going to fucking kill you.” It’s from his door, it’s not yelling, but it’s harsh. He has definitely heard it before, and many times. 

“What have you done, Max?” It’s his mother. She’s sad, crying. She hates him. 

“You don’t deserve-”

The window shatters, and he can’t hear what was being said anymore. His body is flung against the wall and he can feel the glass pierce his skin. The blanket is gone, so he can nearly see the creature when he lifts his head. 

He looks, and he can’t move, as it lowers its scarred face, and reaches out with a branch for an arm－­ 

He can’t fucking breathe, his limbs are tangled, he’s sobbing, and he can’t make himself stop. He can feel his chest heaving, and he’s drenched in sweat. He can hear the rain outside his tent. He can feel, but he can’t think, he can’t stop. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t the first time he has had that dream, that nightmare. 

He wants David, or some other camp counselor, but he knows that if he bothered them that they wouldn’t care. They wouldn’t do it for him. He knows that it would be so nice to hear them, to see another person, but it doesn’t matter. He’s Max, the troublemaker, and he doesn’t deserve it anyway. When he hears the thunder, this time it’s real, and he knows he’ll never get back to sleep. 

He grabs his bear and buries his face into its fur, just like every other time. It’ll be over eventually, he tells himself, as more tears stream down his face. He’s scared, he’s so fucking scared. 

(This is trash but I tried)

[microsoftpaintdude]

[6lackcl0ud]

thismademesad replied to your post

“I want to post my own photography but I’m scared. Dunno why.”

don't be m8

Trying not to be, haha. I’m just a very picky person... will probably start posting stuff soon

[imacrook-blog]

[ameliacareful]

The Charming Asshole & The Sad Puppy

(Part 2)

           The Sad Puppy

           Sam seems to have decided that having tried heaven and the worst Hell has to offer that while he would like very much to stay out of the Cage, thank you very much, there isn’t really much difference between being alive and being dead.  He’d just like to feel better about himself and since throwing himself into the Cage seemed to help a little, maybe dying for Dean will make him feel good about himself.

           Sam is pretty classically depressed and like Dean, not typically suicidal but unlike Dean, still actively looking for death. Where Dean is passively trying to drink himself to death and throwing himself into the hunt, Sam is seeking absolution in sacrifice.  Again and again.  Where Dean’s trapped in the way John Winchester defined his life, Sam is trapped in the boundaries Dean has set for him.

           Like Dean, Sam loves his brother.  Dean is the only constant in his life but where Dean never tried to establish a life outside of the hunt, Sam did, and hunting destroyed it.  Sam has been conditioned to believe that the supernatural will punish him and anyone else he reaches out to.  Dean has told him over and over that any attempt to ‘leave’ hunting is a betrayal of Dean whether it’s to go to college or because he thinks Dean is dead when Dean’s in purgatory.  Dean has taught Sam that he chooses Dean or betrays him, there is no middle ground.

           Dean’s inability to deal with his own pain means that when Sam does chose Dean, he’s belittled and attacked.  

 ·      He’s told he’s a freak.  

·      That if he wasn’t Dean’s brother, Dean would hunt him.  

·      That it should be Sam instead of Charlie on that pyre.  

·      That Benny has been a better brother to Dean than Sam.  

 When Sam says about being tricked into having Gadreel possess him rather than letting him die if it were the same circumstances, he wouldn’t do it to Dean, Dean accuses Sam of saying he wouldn’t try to save Dean.  His careful words are used against him.  This isn’t to say that he has never been hurtful to Dean—he called Dean weak.  But it is interesting to see that Sam never reminds Dean of the times Dean has hurt him, never asks Dean to explain or apologize.  Never appears to hold Dean’s words against him.  

At the church where Sam attempted the third trial, Dean had a list of Sam’s sins.  Sam has no list of Dean’s sins.  

           There’s a psychological state called learned helplessness.  The classic experiment involves putting dogs in a cage where the floor was electrified to give them a mild shock.  Some of the dogs are put in a cage with a low barrier that allows them to leap to a side of the cage where the floor isn’t electrified.  The dogs that can’t escape eventually give up and stop trying, accepting the shocks and exhibiting the classic signs of depression.  Watch Sam’s face when Dean tells him it should be him on the pyre instead of Charlie and he’s internalizing Dean’s words.  Yes, his face says.  Of course.

           Depression is the inability to like oneself. Co-dependence is feeding unhealthy needs.  Sam feeds Dean’s need to be the one in charge, to be superior.  Dean feeds Sam’s understanding of himself as loathsome. If he leaves Dean, he’s proven he’s not loyal.  If he stays he’s reminded of his failings over and over.

           Sam is innately smart, good, and hard working. He’s also gorgeous and I’d appreciate some more shirtless scenes, CW.  He’s not overtly charming like Dean, and makes friends more slowly but at Stanford had a normal circle of friends.  Over the years he seems to have lost the ability to be close to people, able only to be a friend to Dean’s friends.  Charlie was Dean’s friend so only then could Sam become her friend.  Cas is Dean’s angel and only then can he be Sam’s friend. Sam loves Dean but his need to loath himself and be loyal to Dean means that he can’t ask for anything for himself and if he wants something, he has to ask for it for Dean because only Dean can deserve good things.  

             Two Halves

           If I were having a party, I’d want Dean around at the beginning.  He’d be fun at dinner, telling great stories and charming everyone.  I’d keep the beer flowing and the food going.  Sam could hang back and listen and find his brother entertaining.  Everyone else could bask in the light of Dean’s charm.

           The hopefully around ten Dean would want to kick things up a notch, find a place where there was something going on and some of the party would leave with him.  They’d head out for a bar and some pool.  The handful of us that were left, including Sam, would get into some of those ‘I’ve had a couple of drinks but I’m not drunk’ conversations about history or politics or something.  That’s the part of the evening where I’d want Sam.  

           My favorite part of the night is that talky part which is probably why I find Sam a more appealing guy.  Dean wears his feelings on his sleeve.  He bitches about Sam wanting to talk and being all emo but Dean is the one who shows his emotions.  Dean keeps as many secrets as Sam.  Sam just feels more secretive because he doesn’t always reveal his feelings. He’s a harder character to ‘get.’

             I’m hoping the show starts to break down some of the ways the two are trapped.  I’m sad to say that the MoW episodes are starting to become my favorites because Sam and Dean can be less engaged in destructive behavior towards each other and more engaged in being a team.  But I don’t think really the dynamic is going to change much.

[the-exercist]

Hey, so on your post about the color run, I think it's pretty stupid for someone who isn't of a race to speak for the race. I am an Indian, and I frankly don't care about people doing fun things! Before you talk about all that hurr durr stealing culture, anyone who has been to a holi festival is that it is very disconnected from religion, and has become just a fun holiday

Sure thing, brand new blog with only one post and no personal information or icon or title or description, specifically made with a username that shows you’re only here to criticize things you don’t like on tumblr.

Sure thing. 

[blurryfacehoe]

I hate my eyebrows. I hate my arms. I hate my legs. I hate my nose. I hate my hair. I hate my teeth. I hate my feet. I hate my hands. I hate my chest. I hate my stomach. I hate how I feel I have to hate myself. I hate how no one is there to say you look good. I hate how people feel like this. I hate how I'm not the only one. I hate how much I hate myself. But I love the friends who love me for me. But I love the people who chose to stick with me. But I love the things that make me smile. But I love the food that takes the hate away. But I love the one who will one day love me for me.