#thoughtdiary

[iamcalypso]

It’s back again

I felt it seeping back up to the surface, like the ground flooding after too much rain. I hate this ever-present tightness in my chest, my shoulders, my core. I feel it all over and all at once. Yet, sometimes, I feel nothing at all.

[thebritishcherry]

Thought dump #2

So something I’ve always struggled with is trying to actually prioritise caring for myself over other people. I never really realised it was THAT much of a problem till recently, having reached the point where I realised I hadn’t eaten dinner for several months, afraid that even entering the kitchen in my flat would disrupt my flatmates’ evenings. The fact that that’s an improvement on how I was concerns me.

This time last year I was terrified to say no to anybody, and completely indifferent to my own health - both counselling and my friends have helped massively with that but clearly there’s still a long way to go. I’ve worked so hard on it, standing up for myself and actually considering how my actions would affect me but I didn’t expect that prioritising my health both mentally and physically would need to overtake my own happiness. Not doing some activities I want to in order to prevent aggravating injury or illness, or cutting off specific people and situations, has been painful. Despite how much doing so upset me everytime, and still at some points does, I know that they were all for the best and they’ve led me to the point I’m at now.

[thebritishcherry]

Just dropping off my thoughts

There’s things in my life I’d change obviously, people I miss, things I wouldn’t say, stuff I wouldn’t do, isn’t there for anyone? But at the end of the day, I’m happy.

Life is a struggle sometimes, I won’t deny that. The struggle is different for everyone of course but everybody has a struggle. Whether it’s overcoming trauma, struggling to even get out of bed each day or even just trying to live their best lives, everybody has something they’re working through.

That’s something that’s taken me awhile to understand. I believed for a long time that I was broken, that I didn’t have the right to feel the way I did because, whilst I’d gone through some shit, it wasn’t as bad as other people had experienced. If people had lived through that and were still managing to live normal lives then why couldn’t I? What right did I have to cry or to not eat or to cut myself off from the world?

I realise now that was the wrong way to look at it but it’s still hard not to drift back into that mindset - every time I see the people who went through it with me, or the girl who tried to drag me down, and I see how happy they seem to be, I’m back. But it’s an illusion really, I only see what they project to the world, to the people that aren’t their closest confidantes. I imagine I appear much the same way. But even if it isn’t? Even if they’re living happily ever after? It doesn’t lessen what I’m going through. It doesn’t make me broken and it doesn’t make me wrong.

I have a lot of people to thank for it all, for the better place I’m beginning to be in. My family. My friends, whether they know the details or not, whether we still speak or not. My (now ex 🎉) counsellors, and the brilliant people who pushed me to see them in the first place. Myself I guess, for pushing through.

I don’t post my own thoughts on here. I try to maintain the perfect public image that I keep everywhere else, which is stupid considering how few people will read this, and how even fewer actually know me but still, it’s a matter of principle. Despite that, I sit here. Having just been discharged from counselling, at a good place at last. Having realised through recent events how short and how precious life is. And I know that keeping some kind of record of my thoughts at this precise moment is what I need to do, even if it’ll soon be buried under all my random reposts, perhaps particularly because of that.

So here’s to everyone. Everyone who has finished their battles. Everybody who’s still fighting. Everybody who’s yet to start. Strangers - acquaintances - friends - me.

[createempower]

Thought diary 24. February  is it always empowerment? 

[createempower]

Thought diary 23. February  What is empowerment? Empowerment is recognition

[speaksuperlatives]

They always say a problem shared is a problem halved. I've become quite accustomed to ignoring this fact however, as burdening others with my troubles is simply not an option.

-Thought of the Day

[speaksuperlatives]

If you set out to help everyone, who's left to help you?

-Thought of the Day

[speaksuperlatives]

Sometimes you just gotta focus on yourself I guess

-Thought of the Day