Théo thought his heart might explode out of his chest. His head was pounding, a migraine niggling at his temples, his eyes strained and bloodshot from having cried earlier that morning. His skin itched and ached, and he hadn’t been able to stomach a real dinner in weeks. He felt weak, and he was sure it showed on his face, in his complexion, and that even his own voice would betray him any second now.
Ever since he’d kissed Lando, he’d been tearing himself apart with guilt. He never should have done something like that, not while he was dating Keeley. Some days, he wondered if he ever should have done it full stop, given how obviously messed up his actions had been. Lando was his best friend in the whole entire world, but ultimately Théo knew that was all they could ever be. Not only because they were boys, but because he knew he could never be enough to make the other boy happy. Even if he wanted to, even if he knew how to, he’d done nothing to earn that privilege.
He felt sick to his stomach knowing how desperately he’d betrayed Keeley. He’d been betraying her for a long time, obviously, what with the fact that he’d agreed to date her in the first place. It hadn’t ever been fair on her, but he really thought he’d be able to make it work. Keeley was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen in his life, and funny too. She made him laugh and smile when life felt like it was too much, and a hug from her could always ease the ache he felt in his chest from a particularly crappy day with his dad. Sometimes it felt like the only thing keeping him together was Keeley’s hand in his, and her faithful reminders that she believed in him far more than he’d ever believed in himself. And then he’d see her with Elodie, too. Their friendship was warm and sweet, the two giggling maniacally together as they scrolled through tiktoks or read the comment section on one of Keeley’s streams. He wondered, sometimes, if breaking things off with Keeley would be a betrayal to his sister too.
Still, he’d texted Keeley insisting that they hang out today. He wanted to talk to her in person. No matter what happened now, he thought she deserved that at least. Only, Théo was not good at talking about his feelings, and instead had been pacing around her bedroom for the past half an hour, eyes bright as he tried to hold back even more tears. He knew she was worried – that was evident from the way she was chewing her lower lip, her fingers worrying at the ends of her plaited pigtail. She looked so cute right now. Théo felt like a monster.
“I’m sorry,” Théo murmured through laboured breaths. He didn’t want to cry now. It wouldn’t be fair, not considering that he’d been the one to screw up. Keeley shouldn’t have to comfort him. “I’m not trying to freak you out, I swear. I just need a minute.”