PARTIES: Lil (@the-lil-exorcist) and Caleb (@dirtwatchman) LOCATION: Spirit Antiques TIMING: Present CONTENT WARNINGS: None SUMMARY: Caleb hears that Lil has returned home and goes to return some books she let him borrow. He seems to be a little bitter.
“No, Lil, I know. I can’t blame anyone. I think that’s what makes this harder.”
As soon as Jonas had told Caleb that Lil was back in town the zombie wanted to make plans to see her. He didn’t know what she had been up to for six months, all he knew was that he had some things to return to her…and some questions to ask. Plans were hard though when the other person wasn’t answering their texts so he decided that showing up where he suspected she would be would be the next best option. Even if that could be considered rude. She wasn’t answering for a reason, right? He would find out why soon enough.
Walking into the store, he nodded to Jonas and made a beeline towards the back where he had seen a flash of long hair. She came into view, Caleb’s uncertain smile fading just a bit before he cleared his throat. “Uh, hey?” Oh….there he went being awkward again. It was hard when the person he was there to see had exercised a demon from him and then disappeared not long after. Anything that reminded Caleb of Aesil was hard to get used to but at least Lil had been the one to bring him back from the edge of total destruction.
Still…awkward.
“Where did you disappear to?” He realized too late how personal that question could have been, grimacing slightly. What did one say to someone who only knew them for something awful that happened in their past?
Lil hadn’t expected to have picked up the threads of her old life. Part of her died those months ago and she wasn’t quite sure who she was anymore. Still, it seemed that not only ghosts haunted her. The past seemed to catch up with her as soon as her feet landed down in Wicked’s Rest.
She saw him out of the corner of her eye in the mirror Jonas had up so people didn’t surprise him in the back. She froze for a second.
Caleb had been one of those exorcisms that she remembered, the marks on her neck were hard to ignore and now felt like a warning about what was going to soon come to her. It had been his exorcism that had finally shown her mentor that she could handle the test. He had been wrong.
Still Lil cooled her features and tried to hide the gentle anxiety that seemed to make her hands shake lately. She was too human now, not the spitfire that wasn’t afraid. “Hey Caleb. Oh uh - just you know, I had to get out of town. Oh you got my books back I appreciate it.”
Lil said, trying to smooth over the tension. She had ignored his texts, not out of malice but out of fear. It always felt like that laugh demon was one person away from her and could be tracking where she was. She wanted to protect the town from her, but now she felt the ping of guilt she had pushed down all those months ago.
“How have you been?” The exorcist continued.
“Uh, yea.” Looking down at the books situation between the crook of his arm, he lifted them slightly but immediately let them fall against his side again. Caleb made no move to hand them back to her, mostly because he wasn’t sure if she would run away after he did so. She seemed almost as nervous as he was, which was…weird. Lil had been the confident one, the one who knew how to take down the demon that was using him for their own gain, but now all traces of that woman seemed to be gone. It didn’t sit right with him.
“Out of town…for what?” Again with the intrusive questions. It seemed his shy nature was not going to be on display this time around. He wasn’t even scrambling to correct himself or somehow make the question okay which he was blaming on his worry for her. Jonas would have mentioned if something had happened to her, right?
Sighing at her question, he shrugged one shoulder. “About as good as I can be, I guess.” A lie. His life sucked even more than it had before she left but he didn’t want to be the focus right now. He never wanted to be the focus. “You know, for a guy who was possessed and then dumped by half the people in his life.” Caleb hadn’t meant to put any malice in those words but they came out more bitter than he’d planned. “It doesn’t matter, actually, I’m just…glad you’re okay.”
It didn’t shock Lil that the other was curious, he seemed like the type that went to investigate bumps in the night. It wasn’t something she could fault someone for - after all what was an exorcist but a supernatural investigator peeking around the corner. Still, it wasn’t exactly pleasant.
“Just had to take care of some stuff,” Lil said vaguely rubbing at her hand uncomfortably over the scar that was now calloused. It used to give her comfort, the knowledge that it was raised - something to be proud of, but she could tell when she freaked out she had made the line jagged - out of control. “Needed to just, you know, leave for a bit.”
There was a wince there when he said that, Lil knowing that she had dropped the thread for him. It was something she seemed to be doing lately as the things that bound her to others started to unwind in the stark truth of light. She had been scared and not wanting to be an anchor had cut all the ropes to just let her sink - and somehow she was still swimming. She still had to deal with these frayed ropes, and now she felt like she was trying to knot them again.
“It does matter,” Lil said gently, finally looking up at the other. “I’m - I’m sorry that reconciliation didn’t go well. A lot of people don’t really know how to deal with the fall out and while I don’t think you can blame them, it doesn’t make the outcome easier. Were the books helpful?”
If he hadn’t gotten the hint before (he hadn’t), then her last answer was enlightening enough; she didn’t want to talk about it. And Caleb, despite almost needing an explanation, wasn’t owed one. He was the one who owed her, after all. She had given him his life back, had stopped a greater demon from rising by his hand, the least he could do was back off on the questioning. So, he just nodded at her words and let go of the questions forming on the tip of his tongue, letting them disappear into the darkest corners of his mind to marinate until he could truly let it go.
Sighing, he shook his head at her. “No, Lil, I know. I can’t blame anyone. I think that’s what makes this harder.” The demon he should be blaming was gone. Who the hell was he supposed to be angry with when the source of it all was locked away? It wasn’t that he wanted them back, but it would have been nice to have a target for his rage. “I’m not blameless either, though.” After all, it wasn’t really the demon rampage that had turned Frank and his family against Caleb. It was what he’d become.
“I want to say yes.” But could he when he was taken over a second time? Apparently all of the reading he’d done hadn’t helped at all. “But the second demonapping would prove me wrong I think.” Taking an unneeded breath into his dead lungs, the zombie shrugged a shoulder. “At least I don’t remember that one other than being stuck in a void state.”
Lil often saw people during the worst parts of their life, after all while she didn’t kill people she wasn’t very far behind. Maybe it was that which made her feel a twinge of empathy now. It didn’t seem like Caleb had a lot of people who would believe him - that a devil came inside him and caused destruction. Most people didn’t believe Lil after all, and when your demon was gone who do you blame.
“It hurts,” Lil said softly acknowledging the pain in a way she wasn’t sure she could have six months ago. It wasn’t much, Lil wasn’t known for her bedside manner and it’s not like empathy had ever stitched up wounds in her life, but she could at least acknowledge that it hurt. “I don’t think anyone is their best self after being out of control. Maybe - well if you can forgiving yourself can be a good step too.”
It wasn’t a bit of advice Lil could take herself, but it was at least something to say. She did catch the second bit as her eyes finally looked up to his face. “It happened again?” Lil said in shock. “Oh man - I’m sorry Caleb.” It stung because he probably had told her, had reached out and she hadn’t looked scared to touch anything in Wicked’s Rest.
“Do you - wanna talk about it?” Lil offered nodding to a seat. “I’m assuming that you might have questions and I can - try to answer them.”
It does hurt. It would always hurt knowing that what he had become would be an issue for any relationship he entered for the rest of his ungodly long life. It would open him up to more demons and he supposed ghosts too if the readings were anything to go by. Caleb would always have to find ways to feed himself and worry about losing control around any flesh if he was hungry. Forgiving himself only worked when he wasn’t someone who would always be this. He could forgive himself all day but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t turn around and hurt even more people later on. Maybe, instead of forgiving himself, it was time to embrace the side of himself that he was always trying to run from. Maybe embracing the darker parts of him was the only way to move past it all.
It wasn’t something he could bring himself to do, at least not any time soon. But it was something that he could keep in the back of his mind, something he could try to prepare himself for. He was tired of feeling like this, tired of the guilt that plagued his mind. One day he would be able to not feel it at all and enjoy life. He vowed that to himself right then and there.
Bringing himself back to the present, Caleb realized that he wasn’t sure if Lil knew what he was or not. She knew about the demons, of course, but did she know why he was so susceptible to them? Probably not if she was talking about forgiving himself. “I don’t know if I can do that.”
He let out a hollow laugh, his hand coming up to run through his hair. “Not really. I don’t know anything that happened anyway. I didn’t even realize a demon had my face for months until a few months ago.” When his heart had been ripped apart by someone he had trusted it with. “I’d rather talk about you. But I don't think you want that either.” Maybe he should just give her the books and go. Neither of them wanted to reveal anything to the other and he’d said more than he’d wanted to. Slowly, he set the books down beside her as a sort of peace offering, a chance to let her take them and leave if she wanted to, but he still stayed standing right where he was. “I was worried about you.”
Lil wondered in that moment what Caleb saw as he was thinking about if he could trust her. She didn’t really know anymore, the mirrors always making her nervous now to look at for too long. She had been confident before she left, and now stood an amalgamation of anxiety and a gentle rage that could only happen from regret. She had been different then, and now she saw the other differently too.
“Fair enough, I can imagine you’re still going through some of the harder bits of that then,” Lil finally said releasing him from explaining. After all, it wasn’t like she had been open either the fear dripping from her pores wasn’t real but she could feel it too. She was about to let him go when he said that.
Lil hadn’t really considered how much she might mean to other people, when she ran away. Sure she knew how much it had hurt Jonas, but he had realized why she had done it. Her family hadn’t been happy, but they knew that she was okay. It had felt even noble to run in away and not get people involved with her problems. After all, she was often the person that reached into the dark to pull people back to the light; it never occurred to her that people thought they could do that for her. She often felt like she was just a reaper, not a friend.
“I um - I’m sorry,” Lil said again, swallowing the fear that bubbled in her throat for a moment before she decided that maybe reaching out wouldn’t be so terrible. “I um, - I don’t know if you heard my mentor talking about it or not but - I took a test to be an official demonologist and it uh - went badly.” She could still hear the laughter in her head as her hand clenched for a moment before trying to let it go. “I had to uh - leave for a while."
Had he even dealt with any of the repercussions that the demons had caused? Emilio was the only person that came to mind when he thought about it. The families of the other people he had killed couldn’t know it was him, Mack was gone, Mercy and Charlie were gone, and so were some of the others. He was sure the consequences would come in time but so far he’d felt like he’d gotten away with a relatively clean break. Other than the memories, that was. Caleb shrugged softly at her words, not sure what to say since he’d done his best to not remember any of it. “I don’t…really think I’ve dealt with any of it. I cleaned the basement and that’s about it.” Which somehow made him feel worse about it all.
Her confession was unexpected, his brows knitting together as more of that concern for her started to pour in and take over the guilt. He took a step closer but thought better of it, Caleb not wanting to spook her when she was choosing to open up. Thinking about it, he hadn’t seen her mentor since before she had disappeared and he couldn’t help the curiosity that started to seep in.
But he was more worried about her in the end, choosing to set that aside in lew of making sure she was okay. “Don’t tell me you got taken over too.” It was meant to be a joke but there was a trace of actual wonder in his voice. Was she even able to be possessed? He had seen the clench of her fist, he could recognize the look on her face as some far off memory hit her because it mirrored his own. Caleb reached down and tentatively squeezed her clenched fist. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m sorry that things went badly.”
Lil nodded at the idea, but she didn’t quite believe Caleb. He had been dealing with the demon with others even if he hadn’t clocked it yet. The paranoia followed anyone - she should know even now she was scared to death that it was following her around town. It made her weary, and she couldn’t imagine the other had a better time.
Lil expected him to balk or to turn away after she confessed that she had messed everything up. She was a horrible demonologist. The only thing more taboo than exorcising demons after all was being bad at exorcising them. Still, he hadn’t and when she looked up she could see that he was concerned. It struck her again that maybe people were worried about her, and that seemed to make the guilt just a little deeper.
“Oh uh - no I don’t think it did,” Lil said looking down for a moment. It could have. She was pretty certain that if it had wanted to it could have especially after the failed exorcism. She was weaker than she had ever been and that last moment of panic and throwing things to the wall made it so her last defense was lowered enough. Still, somehow it was worse. Moving her to the chair and wrapping her hand up.
It showed her that it would always be stronger, and it didn’t even have to kill her to do it. She hated that lesson.
“I’m fine in that sense. It just wanted to - prove something I guess.” Lil finally said looking back up.
“Sounds like a demon.” That was all Aesil had wanted, to prove to their master that they could successfully raise them and help wipe out their little town. Humans were nothing to them, the dead even worse, and obliteration had been a big goal. Caleb wondered how Lil was still here but he was also glad that she was. Maybe it was best not to question it.
He was also feeling a little bit like a dick. She clearly had a lot that she was trying to sort through and he had been making it all worse with his attitude. Back when his body had been given back to him, because of her actually, he’d briefly thought about leaving town as well. He was sure that she wouldn’t have blamed him for it if he had made that decision. He shouldn’t have done that either. “It also sounds like you needed that time away. Sometimes we have to get away to be able to process things.”
Caleb squeezed her hand again and then pulled it away, the guilt from the whole situation coming back two-fold. “I’m glad you’re back though. If you need anything…or you want to talk about it more, you can always come to me.” They were linked now more than ever weren’t they? Two souls whose lives had been irrevocably damaged by demons who didn’t, couldn’t, care. Caleb sighed and leaned against the wall of the store, ready to let any ill feelings go and move forward, ready to listen to whatever she needed to get out. Lil had been there for him and it was his turn to return that favor. “Just remember something next time, if there is a next time; You have friends who know you can thrive. Your worth isn’t linked to that one thing that happened to you.” And maybe he should heed his own advice, finally let go of the things Aesil had made him do. But Caleb knew better. He knew that there was a difference between the two of them. Lil was someone who had nothing but good intentions with her actions. She was good and she did only what she thought was right.
And he…well, he was a monster pretending to want the same things.
