#throughandthrough.

[kiddaeng]

A - AGE: 24 ( intl ) 25 ( kr ). B - BIGGEST FEAR: knowing too much. C - CURRENT TIME: 5:22am (kst.) D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: iced coffee. E - EVERY DAY STARTS WITH: his alarm reminding him that he has jobs and obligations. F - FAVORITE SONG: currently Legacy - DPR Live G - GHOSTS ARE THEY REAL: hell yeah. I - IN LOVE WITH: words.  K - KILLED SOMEONE: unintentionally? alternatively - didn’t properly prevent their death. L - LAST TIME YOU CRIED: two nights ago, laughing so hard when drinking with his friends. M - MIDDLE NAME: none. N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: one. younger sister, kim heejung. O - ONE WISH: for heejung to get better. P - PERSON YOU LAST CALLED/TEXTED: manager to ask if he really has to give the presentation tomorrow. Q - QUESTIONS YOU ARE ALWAYS ASKED: 'wanna hang?’ ‘how are things going?’ even though no one actually means it. ‘got a joint?’ ‘what time do you get out?’ usually from practice or the lit club it depends. R - REASONS TO SMILE:  doing what he loves. S - SONG LAST SANG:  echo - katie T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 07:00am. U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: black. V - VACATION DESTINATION: new york. W - WORST HABIT: spreading himself thin. X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: calves, arms, legs. Y - YOUR FAVORITE FOOD: pizza. Z- ZODIAC SIGN: taurus.

[kiddaeng]

rpfar.

[ x ]

turn it down. turn it down.

that’s what the walls must sound like. he imagines, and he laughs somewhere between the knocks on the door and the whines he makes out from memory. not that jaebin is a whiner, not that daehyun memorizes his noises. pfft. ha. fuck.

maybe he does. maybe he does but that’s not too weird. that’s proximity. that’s friendship and memory. that’s him.

he imagines, that jaebin’s hand is knocking on the side again. after agreeing to a shared apartment that means shared and separate space all the time. shared bodies, separate thoughts. that’s a friend thing, though they still share a few thoughts they’re a little disconnected in all. when daehyun comes home late, stays up later, and sounds like there’s a mini party in his room. a mini something. mini loathing, mini marathon of thoughts. or really just the sound of feet padding around so much as he dances drunk to a tune.

(he’s not a very good dancer)

he’s not good at this. bottling things. so he blasts them out, sings his throat dry but soft as ever.

daehyun imagines, this is when jaebin feels the least connected to him. when he stands a little too long on the other side of the wall. when the music mutes even though it blasts and he tries to make out even though he’s blocked. make out whatever daehyun’s trapped himself in ( as he himself makes out with a pillow ). such is life.

well not as it feels. life doesn’t look like this feeling. like this purple haze and drunk glow. the wavy kind. the 70′s show kind that they tell you doesn’t exist. the wish of bleeding moonlight that’s only the crack of an old lamp on the desk. footsteps to a tune that’s a more felt than heard. more bass than words.

that’s cool. he’s memorized it to the soul anyway.

'turn it doooooown' when he does turn it down he makes out the words. a little distorted. effects of the bass still ringing and playing. tricking daehyun into a past and from a reality. but, he hasn’t heard jaebin all day (false) so he tunes to him (true, always true).

'you’re not childish gambino.' jaebin’s voice does always have that whine to it. it’s got the usual confusion. the kind that lets daehyun know he’s a little weird but jaebin’s weird too so it’s weird enough. 

“but what if I was.” is what he says when he opens the door. 

‘we wouldn’t worry about the fine we’d pay for a noise complaint.’

fair.

“fair.”

daehyun’s washing up now. washing off sweat and weed ashes, wiping his face and bringing himself back into the reality. of approaching midterms and scattered responsibilities. he wasn’t escaping intentionally, though he does feel better after stepping out for a bit. or stepping in. away. whatever it’s called.

something.

anything.

‘you okay?’ daehyun smiles, towel half off his face. body full in the moment, back where it’s needed. "always.”

[kiddaeng]

if i were.

tagged by: @pijichu, @jkbaws, @flowereum ( <3 ty! ) tagging: maaaaaaaaaaan idk @byeolsosa @hyeshire @thusvitaest @urbnissy @noryi

if i were a month, i’d be august. if i were a planet, i’d be saturn. if i were a mythological figure, i’d be achilles. if i were an animal, i’d be a tiger cub. if i were a piece of furniture, i’d be a hammock. if i were a gemstone, i’d be an topaz. if i were a flower, i’d be a cattail. if i were a kind of weather, i’d be a morning showers. if i were a colour, i’d be pink. if i were an emotion, i’d be confidence. if i were a fruit, i’d be a pomegranate. if i were a sound, i’d be the bass of a song. if i were an element, i’d be water. if i were a place, i’d be a stage. if i were a taste, i’d be strawberry lollipop. if i were a scent, i’d be chlorine. if i were an object, i’d be headphones. if i were a body part, i’d be the mouth. if i were a pair of shoes, i’d be worn-out sneakers. if i were a song, i’d be always awake - jazzyfact

[kiddaeng]

a chest caved in a mind hollowed out pretty girls break hearts, break men break him and smile - k.d

scribbles across a paper. worn by what they carry, light by how fresh. it’s seven am on a Tuesday morning and he can’t sleep. he’s thinking about an ache he doesn’t quite know, less familiar than the weight on his chest. not much of a weight, it’s pretty light right now. like her hair. she’s dyed it a lighter blonde - or is bleaching? daehyun doesn’t get the mechanics of all that, just that when he says he likes it she doesn’t seem to care. she even tells him she doesn’t.

“what are you doing it’s seven in the morning.” she’s husky voices and morning spills. kinda dirty, kinda lovely and the only thing he knows. “writing.” “well stop, your arm is waking me up.” he moves his arm some more. she laughs. he clears his his head for the moment.

in the beginning, ignorance is more than bliss. it’s beautiful and it’s limbs tangled and arms cold. it’s people pushing through and hope shining above all. it’s hope without reality.

in the beginning daehyun loved her and in the end he did as well.

the end comes close to a Tuesday morning. he’s not in bed, but he’s making one. call it dramatics but it’s something of a funeral, for hopes and a future. for a pair and for a love. she tells him she can’t bury what was never there. she tells him a lot of things but it’s all blurred into noise. he’s used to detaching, gently, never fully. it’s dark outside. like her eyes and if he were mad enough - like her heart. but he’s not mad. he’s confused.

“I thought you wanted this,” she pauses. he stills, smoke wrapped around his fingers. “I thought you wanted, to breathe,” ( a chest caved in ) “to forget,” ( a mind hollowed out ) now he’s got fingers wrapped around his wrists. words in his ears, a terribly replay. a sickening revelation. “to love.” ( she breaks him ). 

then she smiles. that pretty pretty smile that all the girls and guys have. the one that could build him up and now tears him down. she smiles over pieces and he’s got a melody running in his head, words crossing his eyelids.

memories and remembering them shouldn’t be this painful. it should be for some things but not this. it’s a bit like a light bulb, burning across his eyelids, trying to catch up with the rest of him, shattered pieces and all.

pretty girls break men and smile. only some men see it coming, before it’s too late.

[kiddaeng]

early mornings practices have never been a problem. he’s not one of those kids who dreads early mornings because he’s used to them. despite the night life he engages in he doesn’t stay out as late and doesn’t party as hard. people expect things like commitment to shred apart because he has a good time. but daehyun’s always been an earl riser ( it has nothing to do with the fact that sometimes he never goes down, just sits and gets back up ). sleep hits him hard or not at all and he’s still as bright and bouncing each morning for practice.

this particular morning, the weight sits heavy on his chest. it’s a morning where he doesn’t sleep, where he’s gotta try and make peace with everything flying around him. he makes peace in the form of notes and notes typed in his phone but his eyes and his body suffer. even though he breathes for the first morning the air is exhausting and relieving at the same time. he sucks on it in case it decides to leave again and makes his way to the pool a bag as an excuse for his hunched shoulders.

he’s supposed to be not first but close to it. but he’s running a little late. their captain’s been skipping as of late and everyone’s been a little on edge. 'oooh co-captain’s a little late today.' he tries. he really tries to bring a smile to his face and it comes, just takes more enough. enough to block the friendly undertone he’d been hoping for. the one he can’t seem to hear. 

everyone else gets it though. sees it and feels it with the steps he takes through the lockers.

‘it’s because he was out late last night.’ there’s an arm around his shoulder the minute his shirt’s off and it’s his captain. all smiles and apologies and things he hasn’t seen before. ‘right? you were out with - what’s that girl’s name....eunha? sunhwa?’ daehyun can’t process it fast enough to notice they’re walking towards the pool. he just shrugs into the hold, his smile sheepish and belonging to another version of him.

‘you know the best way to ease a hangover boys?” dae doesn’t see it coming and that’s probably for the best. he’s got two seconds, he breathes in when he realizes but he gets air first and water second. water so deep his feels it in his chest. the impact. the clearing out. he doesn’t realize he’s swallowed too much until he’s rising to the top. faster than he’d like but the ringing from the impact is enough. the yells and laughter when he rises is enough. 

“hey guys, you know the best way to treat a captain who’s been skipping practice right?” and he’s back. a devilish grin that gets wider when he hears the splash beside him and he’s swimming to avoid the following ones. knocks and knocks against the water. noise and momentum in his brain ceases. he’s all water and all freedom and he’s tackling their captain in a half-hug full of thank you’s and apologies. they come out in the form of them dunking one another under the water but that’s okay. he’s breathing. he’s not forcing smiles and his chest is full of laughter, brain full of static.

[kiddaeng]

050417.

daehyun spends his birthday in shame.

not like, white cone over his head shame but like, hitting himself in the face kind of shame. the should’ve known better kind of shame.

it’s not because last night had been spent trying to drink away the memory of the day. it’s not because last night was such a blur he was sure the headache he woke up with would kill him. it’s not that kind of head in the toilet kind of shame - though it could be. sure he had fun last night, partied and drank until they were stumbling down the street and he had to wake up in someone else’s room until he made it to his own bed. he doesn’t consider getting lost in alcohol and parties shame, he calls it revival. he needs the numbing and he needed it for this day. he knew that.

the day starts like any other. his phone pinging enough times to finally wake him up. body heavy with the thought of what day it is. usually daehyun knows not to answer it but this particular day his body shakes him up, message after message clearing into his dream. and it had been such a good one. and those lips had been so so---- anyway. he’s up and reaching desperately for his phone, he has half a mind to tell jaebin to destroy his phone with a rock. dream-muddled and sifting through conscious and unconscious he picks up his phone. he’s got several messages, way too many to adjust to but they all read the same thing. happy birthdays, invitations to parties, questions about parties, family well-wishes and stranger well-wishes. he almost wishes he’d turned his notifications off for the day. he kind of wishes this day didn’t come every year.

(kkt) oppa happy birthday! you left early last night I couldn’t give you your present! stop by today okay? (kkt) hey man you throwing a part or what? (kkt) getting older everyday! happy birthday! (kkt) what’s the move for tonight birthday boy? (kkt) had too much fun last night? get ready for tonight! (kkt) can I stop by? I wanna give you your present! (kkt) you didn’t even tell me it was your birthday!!!!  (kkt) hey dae I’ve got some people lined up for tonight what’s the place?

he scrolls and scrolls until he contemplates falling back in bed and letting it all breeze by. the memory, the day, the messages. but his fingers stop still at a message, recent enough and important enough to have him slipping out his bed. surprised jaebin hasn’t woken up through the fuss he makes his way through the dorm.

there’s something about this kind of settlement that breaks him down a little. makes him feel weak in all the wrong places. all that daehyun is, all confidence and blinding smiles, all barriers and steel, he can never quite understand how it implodes so easily around them. them being his parents. 

he’s quick to make his way out the dorm, clad in a suit and hair slicked back. he tries to tell himself he’s not walking to a funeral, but there’s always a quiet death that takes place inside him when they meet. he gives the proper greetings to those who ask them of him, friends, students, upperclassmen and underclassmen alike. he even gets a kiss on his cheek before he walks up to the car. black and sleek and always ready for him. he fastens his tie, breathes his last breath before slipping in the backseat.

it never quite starts the same, but it always ends the same.

same empty questions.

“how’s class?” “how are your grades?” “who was that girl?” “what family is she from?” “did you change your major?”

that’s where it breaks.

there’s never a happy birthday in between it. the meeting is supposed to say it. it’s an acknowledgement of existence and that’s all. it’s his parents being petty in his opinion. they never really talk about things in depth. surface level concerns unless it’s one of their concerns. not, how’s the literary club you’ve started. not, I heard your team made it to the semi-finals.none of that, they never want to get to the base of daheyun like it doesn’t exist. as far as they’re concerned it doesn’t. as far as they’re concerned he’ll snap out of it.

that’s how the day’s spent. breaking down and injecting. piecing and piecing for satisfaction even if the pieces don’t fit, even if half the pieces are missing. there are parts of him they covet and parts of him they don’t. that’s fine. he takes it all, he’s still steel but he’s lost all mouth. he’s still all rigid but he’s somehow lost all bone, backbone and all. it’s not like he doesn’t know why. it’s not like daehyun has no idea why he sits through their pick apart for hours on edge. he knows. they know. 

the day is spent, public appearances, mini galas and minuscule meetings. he wonders if it’ll ever get easier, when he’s got his dad’s hand on his shoulder and twelve faces that know nothing about him but number atop his head. a target or a benefit. he’s an asset or a liability. he’s always hated how this industry reduced him. dissolved him to the most basic of things. greed. greed personified. 

he stands through it all, charms through it all and breathes the best he can. he can either endure or he can succumb to the buzz in his head. one or the other. so he engages, he controls and he acts the part. he doesn’t make them proud but they’re satisfied, they’ve got strings in the right places and daehyun’s moving fully functional.

he succumbs and he breaks down just so he can crawl to heaven’s door.

and he’s there near the end of the day, after dragging his dignity through the mud, watching his armor fall off with each conversation. he’s on his knees by the bed, holding her hands in his own and smiling. 

‘happy birthday oppa.’ heejung smiles. she even tries to squeeze back and he appreciates that. it’s small but it’s so much. it builds it all, pieces him back and he breathes free for the first time in hours. he takes her in, buried in pillows and swallowing pain. he takes her in and remembers strength isn’t always found inside as much as he tries to pretend it is. so he presses a kiss to her hand, two to her cheeks and one to her forehead. until he gets a laugh and he’s full again. pieced, glued, sealed. “thanks kiddo...”

he leaves when he can no longer charm the nurse to let him stay. he leaves when he’s sure she’s going to hold onto that smile of hers until next time. he leaves walking past the same car that trapped him for a day. he punches in a few messages, dials a few friends, tells jaebin where he’s been and he’s got a ride to campus and a blunt in his hand. he scrolls through the last few messages, the day not yet drawing to a close.

(kkt: hell) hey loser. happy birthday. don’t get yourself killed. [ yeah okay. ]

(kkt: r.o.d) hey you. dropped something off at your dorm. you’re welcome. [ thanks. I owe you. let’s meet up soon yeah? ]

(kkt: don’t answer) hey oppa! today’s your birthday! I hope you spent it well. you know it’s cruel to leave a girl wondering how you’re doing? anyway, I know your birthdays are usually stressful so I want to say I hope this one at least ends well. don’t let them stress you out and make sure you smile because it determines how the days go up until our next one. you might not respond and that’s okay but have a good birthday okay? (kkt: don’t answer) I miss you. [ message read ]

his birthday starts with revival, sits in shame and ends in revival again. 

a happy birthday indeed.

[kiddaeng]

a.t.

// @byeolsosa

i don’t wanna be alone tonight, so can you come with me i don’t wanna be alone tonight, can you keep me company

some things start out as an idea. simple and less complicated. daehyun tries to keep them that way. over-complicated things give him a headache. family stuff? business stuff? all that shit’s noise for his head, complicated and stressful. not the good noise that fades into recesses of the brain, clings to the wall for life and numbs everything. the noise he’d do without, that bounces and breaks and the one he’s not used to. when things sit in his head he’s used to them, when they enter and they’re foreign, they ache more.

he doesn’t even know how he ended up like this. sprawled over a couch in the lounge and looking through everyone. he raises his head ever now and then, acknowledges friends, colleagues, exes. nothing too serious, nothing too harsh. only harsh thing is the light of the lounge, bright and pulsating against skin. that’s fine. the tv dims in the back, everything sort of dims into one when dae’s like this, remnants of a blunt nothing but ash on his fingers. 

ash but alive in his lungs. potent and enough to smell if someone walked towards him. no one does. most of them know, by the lazy wave and the half-assed grin that it’s best to leave him like this. despite the urge in his body to join and call over he prefers it like this. prefers letting the echoes of his call from earlier fade back.

‘why are you still studying communications?’ ‘you should be studying medicine’ ‘do something useful’ ‘be useful’

if he had another blunt he’d finish it just through thoughts alone. fact is, it’s not enough to stop them from coursing, just stop the blow. they keep coming and coming and he can bury his face in the pillow all he wants but they don’t stop. the brain is a bitch with repetition, always been. that’s why they know though, sometimes daehyun is stoned and chill. chilling and laughing and casting smiles like presents to the lonely. other times he’s stoned and it hits him light, smoke inhaled and thoughts rushing to the top. it’s an opposite effect and it beats the fucking purpose. 

people are so damn selfish, they let him wallow like this because they only want a smile when it helps them.

he doesn’t mind.

( yeah he does )

he slouches into the couch, trying to forget, trying to sleep, trying to do something when words catch his ear. words, then a name though the name is probably first. the name is his and the voice registers quicker than anything else.

‘hyung?’

jaebin.

commands are shit when he’s like this. most of the time he tries not to let jaebin see him like that. he plays up his personas to the most. he’s at his best with the other, most relaxed too but most behaved. put together for the sake of keeping an image. then he pretends not to care. that’s why it all falls apart.

“hey kiddo.” it goes wrong with the first words out his mouth. daehyun glances up, chin planted firmly in the pillow and jaebin looking down at him from the edge of the armrest. he looks, well he looks like a lot of things. confused, comfy, curious. he looks like jaebin. uniform probably discarded in favor of sweats and a t-shirt. he probably just got off work. he probably came looking for him.

‘why’re you sprawled over the couch and not your bed? did you just get out practice? you look tired - hyung that’s not a good position.’

( everyone is selfish )

 usually in this case, things just attack, the words. it’s why no one approaches him, he has a tendency to get irritated with too much. especially when all he wants is white noise. but he finds himself smiling at the questions, the sincerity in it, lack of judgement.

( jaebin isn’t )

“couch is comfy. practice was yesterday.”  

‘are you okay? you sound tired?’  

usually when he needs a smoke, he’ll be out with his friends. chill at a friend’s place before going back to the dorm. stay at a friend’s place if the smoke sits on him too long. apologize for not meeting up with jaebin with his favorite snack and a hug. he’s not sure why the persona manifested around the jaebin, some responsibility shit or something. he’s not entitled to be respectful to anyone and somehow he cares about the light that jaebin always seems to carry with him. worries about preserving it. jaebin’s never in all the time they’ve been roommates, seen daehyun this stoned.

because he’s slurring but not the drunk kinda slur. but the lazy slow kind. it’s usually pretty well pieced together because daehyun’s perfected the act of hiding his vices. it’s just right now, he can’t be bothered. in the open space of the lounge somehow it’s just him and his friend. it’s a contrast immediately noticeable. jaebin, ever curious and ever sharp picks up on it. not all the way but enough.

( no one sees him like this )

“ ‘m tired as shit”

( jaebin does )

‘why don’t you come to the room? I was looking everywhere for you.’ “can’t feel my legs.”

admittedly, this could go worse.

‘oh my god hyung what do you mean you can’t feel them? do you need a doctor? did you hurt yourself in practice? sprain something?’ everything’s quick, jaebin’s movement, his rise in tone, his body beside daehyun, daehyun’s laughter. quick and easier than he thought. 

“no i’m good, just sinking in the couch.” because he does feel like it, like he’s bod going through and through. pleasantly. finally. maybe the laughter did it. maybe ****** *** **. maybe. he should get up.

‘hyung what’s wrong....’ daehyun can’t understand why parts of him says look up but he does. finally turns his head to view jaebin. jaebin jaebin, eyes wide, brows furrowed, gaze ignorant of the situation. worried. daehyun wants to laugh again, how the boy manages to be the pure surrounded by all the mud. not that daehyun’s mud but well. 

he manages a smile, slow but genuine. silly too.

“I’ll be honest. I’m high as hell.”

silence.

‘you’re-----?’ ... .. . “I smoked.” ‘drugs?’ a nod. ... .. . ‘hyung!’ “you gonna help me up?”

and for all daehyun’s worries. the worries he didn’t know he had. for the nagging in his brain telling him to send jaebin away, the stress of personas clashing and a little bit in his brain saying he was being ridiculous. for all that and more he’s proved wrong. because despite the look in his eyes, whatever look that is daehyun will decipher it later - despite the look jaebin just clicks his tongue and holds a hand down. 

daehyun’s up on his feet, stretching out loud and obnoxious, feeling parts of him pull back together.

‘hungry?’ “starving.”

they keep walking. daehyun lagging just a bit.

‘I brought food from the cafeteria.’ “Jaeeebiiin my favorite dongsaeng, best person in the whole world!!!”

and just like that they fall back in step. any thoughts about being alone, an needs and urges to crawl into a white space. jaebin breaks it out and daehyun doesn’t mind much.