The Merc's Instant Death By Gang Tickling
Shared this on Deviantart the other day. I don't usually write other people's characters like this, but seeing as the community is here, why not? Originally a gift for @lovemybluebully
Contains MMMM/M tickle torture (and swearing).
Note: Some SPOILERS for Spider-Man: No Way Home & Deadpool and Wolverine. This is your official warning.
“Logan? Al? Anyone home?” Deadpool called out in greeting as he let himself into the apartment, still dressed in full costume. “Ugh! What a day. First, I had to try three different stores before someone had the kibble Dogpool likes-”
“We’ve got company.” Logan interrupted from where he leaned casually against a desk.
Deadpool paused in the doorway and looked up to see three figures watching him expectantly from the den of their small apartment. The place felt cramped on a good day, but with three Spider-mans and a Logan all collectively waiting for him, the place felt downright claustrophobic. Deadpool hesitated there on the threshold, before entering and shutting the door behind him.
“Webhead…s!” He called cheerily, putting on his best casual voice. “It’s so cool to finally meet you, mask-to-mask. Actually, I’ve been looking for-”
“We know.” One of the Spider-mans said bluntly. Deadpool couldn’t tell them apart. They were all in full costume like him.
“Right! Yeah!”
“When word gets around that a deadly mercenary is after one of us, we notice.” Another Spidey spoke up.
“What? No, no! It’s not like that!” Deadpool protested. It was then that he happened to look up and froze. He was grateful the mask kept everyone from seeing the way he turned deathly pale. Even so, Logan seemed to notice the change in him and straightened so they were standing next to each other.
Deadpool whirled, throwing open the door, “I just remembered I have a fight scheduled with that new Iron-Doom-guy! You know how it is with the MCU. Wouldn’t want me to let everyone down, would you? Duty calls!”
He was just through the doorway when Logan caught him by the arm. “Wade, these guys have been waiting for you for ages. Where’re you going?”
Deadpool was already reaching for his trusty Baby Knife with his free hand. He didn’t need that other arm, anymore. It was a stupid arm. He’d grow back a better one.
“What about your rule about not bleeding in the apartment?” Logan tried again.
“I’m not the one in the apartment, Peanut. You are!”
“What’s got you all freaked out?”
“I saw the title of this thing!” Deadpool groaned. His whole arm? It was such a waste!
Logan reached out to stop him from using Baby Knife. “You’re ridiculous!”
“What are your intentions with Peter 3?” One of the Spider-mans interrupted behind them.
Deadpool paused, “You mean-he’s here?” Stupid. Of course he was! All three of the MCU Spider-mans were watching him from the den. His gaze drifted between the three of them, trying to pick out which was which. Couldn’t they wear numbers or something?
He craned his head to get another look at the title, but it hadn’t changed. With a weary groan, he sheathed Baby Knife and didn’t fight it when Logan pulled him back inside and shut the door.
All he needed to do was make sure the situation didn’t escalate to where the title happened. He could do this. Deadpool was great at de-escalation.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK…
He swallowed, trying not to let on how flustered he was. “Intentions? No intentions! Pinky-swear!” His boots didn’t let on that he was crossing his toes. “It’s just- I- The costume!” He settled on. “It’s just such an iconic shade of red, you know? Like mine? I-I wanted to know how he made it look so vivid! Maybe give me some pointers. No offense, but it’s the best of the Spidey suits.”
For a moment, no one answered him. Logan was staring at him with the bewildered and stupefied expression he wore sometimes when Wade accidentally got a special guest star killed.
Then one of the Spideys leaned forward, “And which suit is that?”
Deadpool stared hard at one Spider-man. Then the next. Then the next. Then he returned to the first one again-
“Told ya he’d never give you a straight answer.” Logan grunted, shaking his head.
Another Spidey sighed and aimed his wrists, “Right. Plan B.”
“WHOA! HOLD ON! H-HOLD ON!” Deadpool cried, his hands up in surrender. But it was too late. Webbing shot across the room and wrapped around his torso, trapping his arms at his sides. He staggered before toppling awkwardly to the floor, landing on his back. He struggled to get back on his feet as they surrounded him.
Logan reached him first, straddling him with a smirk. Deadpool wasn’t surprised. Plan B was probably his idea – payback for all the times Wade snuck up and got him.
He thrashed against the webs, struggling desperately, but his arms wouldn’t budge. A moment later, he felt one of the Spider-mans land on his calves while the other two gathered on either side of his legs.
“I told them ‘bout the rule ya got about blood in the house,” Logan assured Deadpool as he started jabbing his fingers up and down his torso, earning a series of snickers from Wade as he strained to draw his arms in and protect himself. The webbing refused to let him budge an inch.
“They said it wasn’t their style anyway,” Logan went on. “Besides, this seems to work better on ya.”
“L-hogan! Guys! Waih-ACK!” Deadpool jumped as the Spidey sitting on his legs gave the spot just above his knees an experimental squeeze. “Yadhohohon’t hahahaveta dohoho thihihis! Ihihit’s j-jhust a missuhnderstEEEHEEHEEHEE!” His protests were swallowed by a wild shriek as the two remaining Spideys attacked his poor thighs.
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! EHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NUH-HA-WAIH! DOHOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHA-FUHAHAHACK!”
“You weren’t kidding about his legs.”
“NAHAHAHAHAHAHAOSTAHAHA! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! EHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” The hands trapped at his sides strained to grasp at something – anything that would free his already-overwhelmed nerves from the insanity. But there was only the cheap carpet for him to claw helplessly at.
The two on his thighs were ruthless. Two sets of hands digging into his poor trembling legs, sending shockwaves of tickles all along his nervous system up to his brain. Already it was too much. He had no control over how his legs thrashed desperately to escape the overload. Logan was forced to concentrate his efforts on keeping him still, careful not to put too much weight against his lungs as wild, frantic laughter poured out of him.
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I-CAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
He kicked, violent and sudden enough that it actually dislodged the terrible hands tickling him to pieces for a blissful moment. Deadpool was just able to inhale a long, wheezing breath, before they were upon him again.
“NEEHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!” He shrieked, “MEEEHEEHEE! M-MEHRCEY-MERCY! STAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
The hands that had been torturing his knees started in on his thighs too, because it didn’t tickle enough yet.
“NUH-HOHA! PLEAHEEHEE!” He protested dizzily. The sounds tearing out of him now were a mixture of screeching laughter and wheezing gasps for air. He’d been fighting like the Hulk to break free, but his muscles were too overwhelmed with his shaking laughter to resist much longer.
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ST-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Okay, guys. Let him breathe.” Logan snickered. Wade wanted to slug him for finding his murder funny, but he was too grateful for the break to call him out.
For a blissful moment, the only sound was his lungs’ eagerly gulping the air. He shuddered.
“Sss...ssheriously…” Deadpool finally managed, “…oh, shit…heh-hey…Logan…”
“Yeah, Bub?”
“…ihi…ihihif…” Deadpool swallowed, “…if y-you hehelp…mehe inst-ehead…I prahmise I’ll…fohorgive you…for thihis.”
“Is that so?” Deadpool yelped as Logan suddenly dug into his hips.
“YEHES! B-buhut thahat meheeheeans nuho tihihicklihing!-GAH! Quihihihit ihihihihit!” He pleaded, twisting and writhing against the webbing as Logan let him have it. “NUHOHO! AHA-Shit! STAHAHAHAHAP! Leh-HEMEGOHOHO! LOHOHOGAHAN!”
But his roommate did neither of those things.
“Ehahahahahahahahahaha! ST-HAPTIHICKLING! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! N-AHAHASHIHIT! PLEHEHEHEHEHEASE!”
It was only when Wade squealed that Logan let him breathe again.
“Are you ready to tell us why you’re after Peter 3, yet?” One of the Spideys prompted.
“Ihihif I’d knohohown youhou all whanted me thihis muhuch-” He was cut off by his own scream for mercy as the hands returned to furiously digging and massaging into his poor thighs. Logan helpfully clawed against his hips, and Wade lost the chance to reason with his tormentors.
His screaming laughter returned with a vengeance. Too exhausted for struggling, his muscles resigned themselves to shaking from their effort to take it.
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FUHUCKIHINGSTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
It felt like an eternity before they let up enough that he could catch his breath.
“Ohokayhey!” Deadpool gasped when he could finally speak, “…thahas ehenough!...I-I cahan’t hahahandleit!...Nho mohohore!” He’d go insane if they did that again. Well, more insane.
“So tell us why you’re after one of us. The truth this time.” One of the Spideys drew a teasing hand along the inside of his thigh. Deadpool snorted a laugh and squirmed. The way he’d said it had rendered him flustered all over again.
“I wihill! I swear! Just…maybe if you let me up first…and take your masks off s-so I can tehell you apart?”
“Not likely,” another Spider-man answered stonily.
“Fine.” He turned his head so at least it didn’t feel like he was confessing to Logan. “I…okay, look. Now that big yellow and I are officially in the MCU like you guys, there’s been a lot of people online talking about us, like…you know, in the comics…people are pretty stoked about the possibility, and there was that time Ryan and Andrew kissed at the Golden Globes…so sue me, okay? I was thinking about it.”
They were all watching him again.
“I don’t know what half of that means,” one of the Spideys said after a moment.
“Yeah, ya get used to it.” Logan rolled his eyes.
“Who are Ryan and Andrew? What’s an MCU?”
“Who’s Iron Doom?”
“You’ll find that last one out soon enough,” Deadpool insisted. “Can I get up now?”
“So for those of us not in your weird fantasyland…” Logan mused, “…let me see if I’m understanding this…you were looking for Peter…3…because you wanted…a date.”
“Sure. Yes. That.” Deadpool couldn’t tell if it was better or worse that he still didn’t know which Spidey was Peter 3. He focused on glowering at Logan instead. “That works. What can I say? I’m a romantic. Besides, the fans are already rooting for us…” He breathed a sigh of relief as they finally got off of him so he could stand. Unfortunately, he was still to exhausted for any impressive flips while his arms were trapped at his sides.
One of the Spider-mans noticed. In a move that made Deadpool immediately freeze, he leaned over and withdrew Baby Knife, cutting him free of the accursed webs. He offered Deadpool his free hand, and hauled him effortlessly to his feet. Wade staggered, but managed to remain standing, watching in bewilderment as the Spider-man unmasked.
Whatever dumb comment Deadpool had been about to make died in his throat as Peter 3 passed Baby Knife back to him.
Peter 3 watched as Wade removed his own mask before turning to Logan and the remaining Spider-mans and said, “Would you guys give us a moment?”
***
“All that for a fucking date,” Logan was still shaking his head about it long after the three Peters had left.
Wade glanced at him. They were sitting on the couch watching TV, but honestly, Wade was having trouble concentrating on it. He was well aware that he’d spent the entire evening with a stupid grin on his face.
“Totally worth it.”
Logan laughed, “Ya haven’t even gone on the date yet. Do you know how lucky you are that I was able to translate your gibberish before they wrecked you again?”
Wade narrowed his eyes. “Ah yes, that reminds me…”
Logan yelped as Wade pounced on him, attacking his sides.
“Heh-HEYHE! NOHO!” The Wolverine promptly crumpled into a squirming mess.
“…I seem to recall offering you forgiveness, but instead you helped them tickle me to death!”
“Ihihi HEHEHELPED YOUHOU TOOHOO!”
“And for that I will show you mercy…eventually.”