So I just posted this InstaStory about my TigerL not returning to dance this year. The emotions are raw more for me.
For the last two years, I've felt my own mortality, my older parent age, remembering having spent so many years at that studio in my own youth. This last year I've felt the stress od being a Dance Mom, of how I felt the FOMO of my own youth. The stress, especially financially, was strong, and I felt.... sadly stressed, for my daughter's lack of self control, lack of focus.
It's turning out to be a lot to take in for me......
The stress and worry of trying to not yell because we're taking too damn long to get to dance, the trauma of her hair being put up in a ponytail twice a week...
The stress and worry of competition.
The stress and worry of the recital.
The stress and concern and worry and calculating how to handle the mean girls. Especially during the recital rehearsal, when O had said "everyone join the circle but L!" She would then ask "why are you so mean to me?" And the big girl, 2 yrs older than my TigerL, would say "because I don't like you."
......
Girls are mean. My girl is tiny and was lost, and really didn't want to return for the recital the following night.
The way she bounced back during the summer break, it was great. The stress of returning to dancing alongside Bully Girl, TigerL was getting angry, and even did a really mean thing to her ASD/IDD big sister.
Anyway. Digressing. L finally chose that dancing was No More. My wallet is so happy.... but my sense of belonging, with the other dance moms, is now gone.
Despite the stress and worry, I was feeling like I socially belonged again. For the first time since I left the Arbonne business 10 years ago. I feel relieved for L, but Holy shit I'm suddenly really, really sad......that I haven't cried for months.