#tikiwrites

[thetiks]

Wiping Off the Dust

Realising that the description of my Tumblr page still states that I am a 26 year old woman. !!! Didn't realise it's been so long since I bothered to update this space. Hello friends, I turn the big 3-0 this year, *dramatic gasp*.

With all the new additional responsibilities I have unassumingly taken on since 2018, -- wife, mother, daughter-in-law -- recently I've been thinking that maybe I've lost myself a little bit in these roles. Obviously I'm not trying to be ungrateful about being these, which I know are also massive blessings in my life, but I constantly struggle with finding a balance. If I could unjustly simplify the complexity of this feeling-- it's like I haven't felt like my complete self for a very long time, and scarily, I've almost forgotten what it even feels like.

I don't remember having had the opportunity to do something I really like, just for myself, without there being like a nag/worry/guilt about being able to do so;

Nag-- Should I be doing all this netflix/chilling, when I should be doing the million chores that need to be done?

Worry-- Am I giving my daughter excessive screen time that's detrimental to her while I attempt to maintain some semblance of what it means to be a nicely-put-together-lady with perfectly ironed clothes, and tasteful make-up on my tired face?

Guilt-- Time for yourself? Who's gonna take care of the kids while you do this? You work 5 days a week, and you only see your husband at night, and that is, if you don't fall asleep while putting the kids to sleep. And now that there's time you want to go off and do something on your own instead of doing something with the family?

Huh huh huh?

And you know, if this is really what it is, or what it takes for the next decade, then so be it, and I will redha and do my best.

But serious ah beb. Not kidding about the penat eh.

Ha. Hahahahahahhaha.

Ultimately, still, still, so much to be syukur about lah. So Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah, wa syukr li Rasulullah.

Just needed to rant this somewhere. And lo and behold, putting this down into words, here, has helped me feel a load better.

See? Alhamdulillah.

[thetiks]

Funny is..

When we videocall while he’s in camp, and I hear a bunch of his men asking him why he suddenly has a goofy smile on his face, and they all start teasing him and giving him a hard time the moment they realise he has me on the phone...... 

and he proceeds to kick them all out of the room. 

But besides it being funny, and tickles me, this little story-nugget warms me up. <3 :)

Today I am at home, and on my laptop (doing work while on MC, no less), and sitting at the dining table typing away here (and procrastinating actual work) feels reminiscent of uni days! And man, I’m surprised that I actually long for those days.. But wait, I shouldn’t be surprised. Uni days were good. :)

I sometimes just don’t know to cherish what I have till I lose it, I guess. 

So no more of that, inshaAllah.

[thetiks]

16 February 2018 - 26 February 2018

Alhamdulillah for this timely visit to Makkah and Madinah, and being able to do Umrah. I have been asking my father for quite a few years, to bring me there again (the last time I visited was in 2005, and I especially wanted to visit again since 2012..)– and we were finally invited to His holy land this past week.

And how timely, that I get to do so before I embark on a new phase of my life, inshaAllah. While truly exciting, I know this phase will be challenging, foreign, and therefore something I am extremely grateful to be able to call on Allah about, and feel emotionally/spiritually/”physically” close while doing so in the past week.

Alhamdulillah wa syukr li Rasulillah s.a.w. for that, especially.

But alhamdulillah also, for the way this whole trip has unfolded; that despite the challenges, we were able to see the hikmah behind each happening.

Things about this Umrah trip that are profound to me: 1) Realising that my parents are getting older. It’s been quite a while that my mother has had her knee/leg problems, and I am used to caring about how she manages with long distance walking, etc. While at Madinah my father even bought her her own stool so that we didn’t have to worry about seeking out for one during prayer at Masjid Nabawi.

That aside, what struck me more during this trip was watching my father struggle alongside me and my sis while we climbed Jabal Rahmah. I would typically worry about my sister, but I found myself watching out for my dad just as much during that climb. This realisation of my parents aging is ... daunting, to say the least.

2) Losing our shoes at Masjidil Haram! Would have been perfectly fine and easily a situation to move on from, if not for my mother's expensive pair, which was supposed to help ease the pain in her legs while walking.. My father and I especially were relentless with the task of looking for it-- we learnt that it was being thrown away, because we had stuck them behind some random pillar right before performing our second umrah. How wonderful that other pillars, including the one just opposite ours - which were just as filled with shoes - weren't cleaned, but the one we chose...was. Haha. We went on a quest of tracking where they disposed of such shoes, but with the lack of service and information, it was for naught. But in this hour-long quest, I learnt that there were entrances that allowed ladies much better view and access to the Kaabah. Discovering this, and getting that view in the last photo for one of my prayers, was simply divine, hehe. And to have had to lose shoes for it, kita redha.

3) It rained in Madinah! :D Alhamdulillah, true barakah. To know that it happens so rarely there but having the opportunity to experience it, is a heartwarming thing. Kids were running around and playing in the rain, and people were visibly amazed too, it seemed, despite the very obvious flooding in a city with minimal drainage, haha. On average, Madinah experiences about 0-3 rain days a month. Most months, it is zero. (In comparison, Singapore’s rain days are in the 23-30 range. Haha, so you get the idea.)

Missing a planned trip to telaga Rasulullah s.a.w. because of the rain, but being presented with a better opportunity to do so the next day; hajat tetap tersampai. :D

4) The Rawdah. Much to be improved in the system they have there to allow visitors to ziarah... But what I loved despite the chaos was seeing the direct effects of reciting Ahdan and Selawat with my sister whilst we were amidst of it all. :)

5) Learning in general, that for what Allah takes from us, He gives in many, many other ways. And in ways we can’t imagine, and sometimes don’t even realise. :) And I learnt, maybe the key to being happy in this dunya and in this life, is to be syukr; syukr for things even when it may not be what I seek or want for myself: 

Alhamdulillah, with feeling.

And may we all have the opportunity to be called on to be there again inshaAllah. <3

[thetiks]

To Those Who Wait

Transferring old photos I have in my phone to free up some much needed space, and I find a photo, dated 4th September 2016-- it is a photo of me holding a Jane Shilton wallet in what seems to be a BHG departmental store. The wallet isn’t mine, but it is clear that I wished very much for it to be so. 

Fast forward to 2018, I now own this wallet, Alhamdulillah. 

Now, there are two take-aways to this story:

1) Make niat, and good things will come to those who wait.

2) I am seriously just a big old cheapo, because I simply waited for my sister to buy me the wallet for my birthday instead of spending a bomb on it myself. Hehehe. 

:P  

[thetiks]

My week-long rest at home is coming to an end. Can’t say I’m excited to return to work, but I do miss seeing some of my colleagues. That I miss them must mean that they’re friends more than colleagues, eh? :)

Today is probably the first time that the wound hasn’t felt sore/painful, and I’m very grateful that the recovery process is going pretty decent. I was afraid that my sugars would make this a little more complicated. Always, always a concern, haha, but so far, Alhamdulillah.

Will have to see what the doc says on Monday though.  

Packages received from my aunts, and from the office. And it’s times like these, when I get super delighted by flowers, that I realise that I can be such a girl, haha.  

وَيَشْفِ صُدُورَ قَوْمٍ مُؤْمِنِينَ      

And He will bring relief to the bosoms of the believing people

- Surah At-Tawbah, Ayat 14