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-so now she’s coming to sleep over, and she’s gonna have to sleep in my bed with me (no sleep for me) and this means she will be here all day tomorrow as well, which means I have no time for myself! Me and my parents were gonna go for a walk tomorrow and I was looking forward to spending time with them, but we won’t be doing that now because she doesn’t like doing things like that (and i was looking forward to 1 on 1 time) I work full time and the weekend is my only time off but now? Nothing

Hey lovely,

Unless it’s already been answered, I’m afraid we didn’t receive the first part to your ask. I’ll still try to answer this to the best of my ability, but I apologise if I’m missing some information!

When you’re working full time, the time you have for yourself is so precious. I work full time too and I can’t spend my time off completely busy; I need some time to rest, to relax, and to prepare yourself for the coming week. You deserve to have that time to yourself!

I know this situation has likely already passed, I apologise that we couldn’t answer this any sooner. But when something like this happens in the future, do you think you could try to set some boundaries? For example, you could mention to your friend that you were looking forward to going for a walk with your parents, and ask her if she’d be okay with leaving at around 3pm (or whatever time works for you) so that you can still do that. I know this is a difficult thing to do! But you have every right to stick up for yourself.

If you find it really difficult to bring something like that up, you could try the DEAR MAN technique. This is a DBT skill (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) that can help in communicating your needs. As you can also find on our DBT page, DEAR MAN stands for:

Describe your situation (use only fact, and be specific)

Express why this is an issue, and your feelings about it

Assert what you need (use sentences such as “I need…”)

Reinforce by repeating what the situation, feelings and needs, as well as providing the positive consequences that would occur from having that need fulfilled

Mindful of the situation (stay on topic, and don’t let the past or future events distract you)

Appear Confident to show that you need to have your needs met

Negotiate with someone who is hesitant, to find a comfortable compromise

I hope this skill can help you standing up for yourself and that in future situations you can use this to advocate for yourself and the time you need for yourself. Take care!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

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