#mhapauline

[mental-health-advice]

i sometimes have these moments of realizing and kinda feel like i’m not real and it’s kinda dreamlike feeling

Hey lovely,

We’re not professionals here at MHA so we can’t say for sure what you’re dealing with. We also don’t recommend self-diagnosis for the reasons listed here. However, from my personal experience it sounds like you could be dealing with depersonalisation.

Depersonalisation is a form of dissociation, where you feel like you aren’t real. There’s also derealisation, where you feel like the world around you isn’t real. Symptoms of depersonalisation can include:

Feeling like you’re outside your body, sometimes as if you’re looking down on yourself from above;

Feeling detached from yourself, as if you have no actual self;

Numbness in your mind or body, as if your senses are turned off;

Feeling as if you can’t control what you do or say;

Feeling as if parts of your body are the wrong size;

Difficulty attaching emotion to memories.

(Source)

When dealing with depersonalisation, or any form of dissociation, grounding techniques can be very helpful. They can help you stay connected to reality when you feel like you’re going to dissociate, or they can help you get back to reality when you’ve already dissociated. We have a page with a lot of different grounding techniques that you could try out. Different techniques work for different people, so it’s a process of trial and error to find the ones that work for you. My personal favourite is the following one:

Describe five things you can see;

Describe four things you can hear;

Describe three things you can feel;

Describe two things you can smell;

Describe one thing you can taste.

This really requires you to get back to your senses, which is often a good way of grounding yourself.

I also think it would be good if you could speak to a mental health professional about the fact that this has been happening. There’s usually an underlying reason, which is important to address. You can visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what’s been going on. They can then arrange a referral to a therapist, counsellor, or other mental health professional. You can read more about getting help here.

I hope this helped!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[mental-health-advice]

I'm 14 and I've thought about killing people since I was very young. My mum talks about when I was 4 I wrote storys about killing her and since growing up they have gotten worse and it scares me. My problem is that sometimes the homicidal thought get more then normal and I guess I kinda get off to it? And I don't know what to do because I'm too scared and akward to ask for help.

Hey lovely,

Thank you for reaching out to us! I can imagine that must have taken a lot of courage, so I’m proud of you for doing so. Homicidal ideation can be really tough to deal with and it’s not something that’s talked about often, so there’s quite a bit of stigma attached. This is a judgement free zone though, so no worries about that from us!

I can imagine that it must be really scary to deal with these thoughts and to notice that they’ve gotten worse since growing up. I do think it’s good that you’re aware of this issue though, because it means that you can keep an eye on it and reach out when needed.

I think a good first step would be to make a safety plan. A safety plan is mostly known for being used with suicidal ideation, but in my opinion it can work with homicidal ideation as well. It’s basically a plan on how you can keep yourself safe when suicidal ideation is at an all time high. So you can make a safety plan on how you can keep yourself and others safe when homicidal ideation is at an all time high. In the safety plan you can list different tools, such as distractions to use, grounding techniques, breathing exercises, helplines to call, etc. It can also be good to outline a scenario for when you need to reach out. For example, with my suicidal ideation, my therapist thinks it’s necessary to step in when there’s a plan, intent, and means. However, this can be different for everyone, so you might need/want to sketch a scenario for when you have a plan and intent, but no means yet. This scenario can involve telling someone who can keep you safe, going to the ER so that you can be kept safe there, etc.

I do think it would be really good if you could reach out for help about this! I think it’s very important that this gets addressed so that your homicidal ideation will lessen in the future and you don’t have to struggle with it so much anymore. When looking for a therapist or psychiatrist, you might be able to look for someone who is specialised in or who deals more often with homicidal ideation. That way you know that you’re dealing with someone who knows what they’re talking about and you don’t end up facing a bunch of stigmatised ideas.

I hope this helped at least a little bit! Let us know if there’s anything else we can do to help.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[mental-health-advice]

I know this is a common problem but I’m really really scared that I’ve gotten so used to my intrusive thoughts that I’m starting to believe them and I feel so absolutely disgusted / 🐦

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling so scared lately! That certainly isn’t a nice feeling to experience. You’re right that this is a common question we receive. Which means that you’re not alone in experiencing this! I know that doesn’t make your struggles easier, but I hope it takes some of the loneliness that mental health issues bring away.

Getting used to your intrusive thoughts doesn’t mean that you’re starting to believe them! Those are two completely different things actually. With getting used to it, it just means that you aren’t experiencing an as strong reaction to them anymore. That doesn’t mean you’re starting to believe them! Getting used to your intrusive thoughts actually makes a lot of sense for that to happen. It’s like when you’re watching a horror movie. The first time you get grossed out and scared by the intrigue, the gore, the tension. But the more you watch the movie, the less it affects you. It’s the same way with intrusive thoughts! The more you experience the same thoughts, the less they’re going to affect you generally.

I’m assuming that your intrusive thoughts are a part of OCD, please correct me if that’s an incorrect assumption! But it can be helpful to repeat for yourself that these intrusive thoughts are part of your OCD. They’re not your thoughts, but they are thoughts caused by the disorder. The more you repeat this for yourself, the more you’ll start to believe it. It will take time, but you can get there!

We have an OCD page series where you might also find some helpful information on dealing with intrusive thoughts. If your intrusive thoughts aren’t due to OCD, then the info might still be helpful. For example, if they are due to GAD instead, you can still repeat for yourself that the intrusive thoughts are not your thoughts, but caused by the disorder.

You don’t have to deal with this all by yourself though! Have you gotten any help for your intrusive thoughts? You can visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what’s been going on. They can arrange a referral to a therapist or other mental health professional. You can read more about getting help here. Treatment for OCD usually consists of CBT with ERP (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with Exposure and Response Prevention). You can also read more about that treatment on our OCD page series that I linked you to earlier. I hope this helped!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[mental-health-advice]

Hi! I hope you’re having a great day. I’d like to ask for some advice. I’m an adult woman and I suspect I suffer from autism and have been all my life. My social skills have always been pretty bad, but lately the pot has been boiling over and I’m incredibly asocial. I isolate constantly and don’t even have the energy to talk to my own family and friends. I’ve also been more susceptible to sensory overload lately, which could be bc of stress. Generally, I feel incredibly defective and like letting “my true self” out is hurtful/confusing to the people around me. That’s why I’m seeking professional help. There’s a possibility that this isn’t autism but a comorbidity with something else, so I have to consider this as well while looking for a psychologist. However, I’m not sure what to watch out for in a psychologist, what mine should be specialized in and how to bring it up if I eventually go. Could you offer some advice? Thank you in advance!

Hey lovely,

I think it’s really good that you’re looking for professional help! It sounds like a lot has been going on and that you’ve been struggling, and you deserve to be feeling better!

If you suspect you might be dealing with autism, then it’s probably best to look for a professional who has experience with that. Autism in women is often overlooked, so it’d be fantastic if you could find someone who specialises in autism in women. That way you know the person you’re seeing has knowledge about what you might be dealing with, and can therefore assess well whether you might be dealing with autism.

There often is a trigger behind certain symptoms getting worse, such as sensory overload or isolation. It can be tricky to identify that trigger though. Stress can definitely be one! It can contribute to wanting to be alone more and to experiencing more sensory overload. So it’s really good that you were able to identify that! It doesn’t have to just be stress though, it could be small things added up as well. Something in itself might not be enough to warrant worsening symptoms, but all added together it can have an effect.

Once you’ve identified your trigger, you can work on lessening it, if that’s possible at all. Sometimes it can help to take yourself out of a certain situation, or to take a few rest days. It all depends on what the trigger is and what you personally find helpful.

I hope this was at least a little bit helpful though! I wish you all the luck in finding a good mental health professional and I hope you get the help you need and deserve!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[mental-health-advice]

hello, do you have any advice on self-control? for context, i have social anxiety but i really want friends, however my first ever friendship a few years ago turned out bad & i dropped her because she was toxic but at the same time, i grew too comfortable & not anxious around her, i felt like i had power and over time i guess i became toxic, which led to her being the same. i feel really bad about it and i'm scared it's gonna happen again with new friends. i've been in a constant loop of "make friends, drift away because you stopped talking/drop them because they were toxic, feel lonely, make new friends, repeat" and it's stressing me out because i'm really starved for affection and stuff

another thing; my mind is so loud. i mean, i don't hear anything. but- i can feel it? idk. i wrote a vent last night, about how i constantly have contradicting emotions. ever since then, it's been kinda like, i feel like my mind is always arguing with itself. i can't get it to stop. i just want some peace, for my mind to be empty & clear again, but it doesn't stop talking. i don't even know what it is that i'm experiencing in the first place. so if that was a good enough description, do you have any advice?

thank you, have a good day! /g

Hey lovely,

Something that can help with self-control is mindfulness. With mindfulness, you try to be more aware of the present moment. This can be done by focusing on your senses, for example to be really aware of what you’re tasting and to focus on that, or by breathing exercises, etc. There are a lot of different mindfulness exercises. We have a page explaining mindfulness so you might want to read through that. I’d recommend you to download an app with mindfulness exercises, there’s a lot of them! You can start by doing the exercises at a specific time each day and then once you’ve gotten the hang of it, you can try to incorporate it in your daily life. It requires some effort, but can be very helpful if you consistently put that into it.

I don’t know how old you are, but when you’re young it’s understandable that you aren’t always aware of what contributes to toxicity in a friendship and what doesn’t. You don’t always see the effects that your actions have. That doesn’t mean that it’s okay to be toxic at that age, but it’s understandable if it does happen. So don’t get too mad at yourself! What’s important is that you’ve realised this and can now work on it so that it doesn’t happen again!

You’ve identified the cycle of ‘make friends, drift away because you stopped talking / drop them because they were toxic, feel lonely, make new friends, repeat’. Breaking the cycle, which is the goal, would happen by step two. Let’s assume the best and go from the fact that they aren’t toxic. You say that you drift from them because you stopped talking. How would you be able to prevent this from happening? Could you for example challenge yourself to send them a message every few days, to not stop talking? Do you know why you stop talking, does that have to do with your social anxiety? What’s the fear of what would happen if you didn’t stop talking?

Are you receiving any help for your social anxiety? That isn't something that you should have to deal with all by yourself! CBT is a type of therapy that's often very helpful for anxiety. It stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You can visit your GP / local doctor and ask them for a referral. You can read more about getting help here. You might also want to check out our anxiety page series, as there's some information on treatment for anxiety there.

It’s really tough when our mind is so loud. I get what you mean with not hearing it but feeling it. I think that’s actually quite common to experience it like that. Writing about what’s going on in your head is a really good way of letting things out and processing things! So great job. But in processing, that sometimes means that it’s going to occupy your mind a bit more. You could try writing out the arguments that are happening in your mind right now to see if that helps clear it up. You could also try mindfulness, which I mentioned earlier on in my ask, or meditation. For meditation there also are apps available with meditation techniques. I’m also going to link you to our calming down page, as there might be some techniques you like there as well. And then you could try distractions. That doesn’t necessarily help clear your mind, but it can distract you from it for a while.

I hope this helped! Let us know if there’s anything else we can be of help with.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[mental-health-advice]

Hi, this is kinda a small issue but it’s been bugging me. Recently, I remembered this one time 3 years ago that I left a nasty comment on someone’s religious post on an app called recolor. I never apologized to them and I can’t do it now because I don’t know how to find them (and there’s no messaging feature on that app so even if I did find them I’d have to leave another comment on a post which would be weird). I’ve moved on so much since then and become a completely different person, but it still bothers me that I can’t apologize to them. Any tips for getting over this?

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that this has been bothering you! Unfortunately we all do things that we regret later on. It’s great when we can apologise for the thing that we regret, but sometimes that isn’t possible, and then that’s something that we have to learn to deal with. It sounds like you’re in that position right now, but are having trouble coming to terms with it.

I think it’s really good that you want to apologise. That is a great step! You’ve realised that what you didn’t wasn’t good and want to make amends. I think that shows a lot about your character, in a positive way.

Do you think it would help you if you tried to write out what you’d write to them in a message, if you were able to send them a message? That way you’re getting the apology out of your system and you might be able to get some closure.

It might also be good to look into why it bothers you so much that you can’t apologise to them. Maybe it has to do with the fact that they now have an idea of who you are as a person that isn’t correct anymore? You’ve moved on a lot and changed, but they don’t know that. Do you think that could be why? If so, why is it so important that they know that you’ve moved on and changed? Does it bother you that there’s someone out there who might think negatively of you? If so, why does that bother you? These are some of the questions you might want to ask yourself. If you know why it’s bothering you so much that you can’t apologise, then those are things you can address / work on, so that eventually it won’t be bothering you as much anymore.

If this continues to bother you, I do think it would be good to talk it through with someone, like a counsellor. You can ask your GP / local doctor to refer you to one. You can read more about getting help here.

I hope this helped though! Let us know if there’s anything else we can do to be of help.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[mental-health-advice]

Occasionally I get worried I’m on something like the Truman show. I have a history of really bad derealisation and it feel a little like that. i also have OCD which makes me think about these things over and over and over. how can i just feel sure i’m not in the Truman show?

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that this is something you get worried about! I can imagine that this is quite difficult to deal with.

What can be really good is to remind yourself that your OCD is causing you to think about these things again. It might not make it easier right away, but the more you realise that it’s only because of your OCD that you are doubting whether you might be on the Truman show, the less value it starts to have. It isn’t a real worry, it’s an OCD-caused worry.

I don’t think it’s wise for me to get into detail on how you can recognise that you’re not in the Truman show. I think your OCD will only make you question it all more and anything I say might even cause more doubt, which is exactly the opposite of what we want to achieve!

When you’re feeling particularly worried, do you think it could be helpful to try grounding techniques? We have a page listing a lot of different ones. Different techniques work for different people, so it’s a matter of trial and error until you find the ones that work for you. My personal favourite is the following one:

Describe five things you can see;

Describe four things you can hear;

Describe three things you can feel;

Describe two things you can smell;

Describe one thing you can taste.

You might also want to look into mindfulness exercises. There are a lot of apps that have guided mindfulness exercises, which is good to start with. The more you’ve done it, the more you’ll be able to do exercises on your own. Mindfulness can help to be more aware of the present and to really live in this moment.

Since this is something that bothers you quite a lot, I do think it would be helpful if you could talk to someone about this. You can visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what’s been going on. They can then arrange a referral to a therapist, counsellor, or other mental health professional. You can read more about getting help here. Treatment for OCD usually consists of CBT with ERP (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with Exposure and Response Prevention). We also have an OCD page series that you might want to have a look at, as there’s quite a lot of information and helpful tips.

I hope this helped at least a little bit! If there’s anything else we can help with, please let us know.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[mental-health-advice]

Hi! I really like this girl, and I told her a while back, and she didn't really say she liked me, but didn't say she didn't. Should I ask her to be my gf? idk

Hey lovely,

This is a decision that only you can make! We can’t make that decision for you, it has to come from you. If you want to ask her out, then I’d personally say to go for it!

There are two options when you ask her out. The first is that she’ll say yes, which is what you’d like so that’s a good outcome. The second is that she’ll say no, which won’t be a good outcome. But if you don’t ask her, then there’s a 100% chance that you’re not going out, so that would also be a bad outcome. In my opinion, your chances of a good outcome increase when you do ask her.

But of course I also understand if you don’t want to ask her, as it can be really tough to deal with the possibility of being rejected. If you feel like it’ll hurt too much if that happens, then it might be better not to go down that road.

Is there anyone you’re close to that could pry a little with this girl, to see how she feels about you? Obviously it might not work and she might not be fully open to your friend, but it’s worth a shot. Then you can make a decision based on that outcome.

Like I said, only you can make this decision! Do you make yourself vulnerable and ask her out, or do you not dare to take that step? Both options are completely understandable! Know that we’ve got your back no matter what. I wish you all the luck in making your decision!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline