or maybe it’s not that I’m not passionate about things
there’s just this force in my brain, a wall of laziness and procrastination stopping me from enjoying things
because I do think about hobbies I could pursue, whether it be photography or sewing plushies or sculpting in clay or painting on canvas
but I always find excuses like ‘ugh i was never good at painting anyway’ or ‘ugh i’d actually have to buy stuff for that’ or ‘no i dont have time i have to... uh... study or something’
come to think of it, I actually know I would enjoy these things once I got into them, the example being jogging - I think about going jogging once in a while, but I always find excuses, yet once I get myself to do it, I’m rly enjoing and am happy afterwards.
I also noticed my attention span is shorter? I get easily bored, I mostly noticed this when I go to youtube to watch some videos, I start watching them and then just skip to other activities and eventually close the tab with the video... maybe my tastes changed and things that used to entertain me, now bore me, idk
also I feel like I care less about maintaining relationships with people, and I think the turning point might’ve been that one good friendship that slowly evaporated and eventually just ended. but I also don’t wanna put all the blame on it, I feel like it was my fault, I’ve been clingy and, it’s hard to admit but looking at it from a distance, I might’ve been even abusive? I didn’t give them enough space so they tried to push me away. also our interests sort of shifted, we moved on to other things, so naturally there’s nothing to talk about. this just sucks.
and that along with other things that happened in the past, either bigger or smaller, made me kinda distance myself? idk it’s basically the same thing as with pursuing hobbies - i think about talking to someone, but never actually do it. or it takes A LOT of time for me to actually message someone, and ask them to hang out
ok while we’re at the existential crisis, i also get jealous of other people’s lives and I KNOW i shouldn’t do it because everyone is different and everyone achieves things at their own pace but it just feels like everyone my age is experiencing their lives properly, getting jobs, getting married, traveling, meeting new people and the last achievement I made was finally buying a Big Mac because believe it or not I’ve never had it before. and then i did and it was the biggest disappointment of my life the week
and I also think if i made the right choice to choose maths as my course, what if i would’ve been happier choosing arts or computer science (tho im actually planning on starting a computer science course, so it’s not a completely lost case)
[lies face down on the floor] just let me sleep for 10 years and give me an organized life once i wake up
