The day the music died (joel miller x pregnant!reader)
summary: canon episode 2 of season 2 but reader, Joel’s wife is pregnant. MAJOR ANGST starts with fluff
joel miller x pregnant!reader, platonic reader x ellie
Warnings: very heavy and susceptible themes reader literally does not want to live without joel, so is heavy on sui1c1de themes. please read at your discretion and avoid it if remind yourself or of others. please dont want to trigger anyone. pregnant!reader, major canon character death, angst, mention of loss of Sarah’s and Tess. can be considered kind of child abandonment and selfish reader. Joel d word, pregnant reader, suicidal reader, non descriptive child birth, reader is selfish and does not think about her kids . Unspecified age gap but if reader is of fertile age than there must be an age gap, is biology Not proofread wrote in one hour trying to metabolise some of my own issues lol
f-pronoun-no-physical-description!reader
Word: 4k
Notes:
Sorry for the grammatical errors. I’m new at writing so feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading. do not translate or appropriate my work. comments, kudos, repost and feedback make me want to write
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It’s not the sun that wakes you, is the consistent feeling of your unborn child kicking your internal organs. You try to fall back asleep, whimpering at a particular hard kick. The feeling is sued when Joel’s large hand starts tenderly caressing your belly magically calming your child.
His back is pressed against yours, his lips are on your shoulder as he tries to calm his child that would not let you sleep with slow caresses on your gaping belly
‘They wants to get out’ you tell your husband. Your child is kicking less, calmed by his father’s touch
‘Just one more month baby and they will’ Joel whispers giving you a kiss on your head
'want to distract me ?' you ask seductively pushing back your butt against his front that is hugging you. he groans at the contact. He would love to take the offer up but he can’t
'baby don't be unfair. You know that I need to go on patrol. When I'm back we can spend the rest of the day in bed. Try to rest now ' he tells you with a tender kiss on your head
You hate it when he leaves, not knowing if he is safe, not being able to back him up. You used to go with him on patrol always, you did not trust anyone else, not even Ellie or Tommy but since getting pregnant he managed to talk you out of it. You agreed more for his peace of mind than else. After all he had lost he was paranoid of loosing you too.
'you going with Ellie?' you ask, when they are together they are stronger, and after yesterday night you think you can have your family back before the new addition arrives. They talked and they started to make ammends. You can have your daughter back
Joel gives a faint smile at the mention of your adopted daughter, a smile that you had not seen on his handsome face in months since their fight . He is getting dressed as you admire the view
'I'll go with Dina, let Ellie sleep. She will help you down the stairs‘ another of Joel paranoids, you falling down the stairs while pregnant.
'okay. Be safe. I love you' you tell him, he comes next to the bed then he bends down hovering you and giving you a kiss. You kiss him back, your lips lingering longer as if that would keep him there with you. You pass a hand on his dark curls that have started to turn grey as he hums in appreciation
'promise. I love you too, both of you' he tells you , cupping your belly as he kisses you again, you cup the back of his head trying to keep him with you as you deepen the kiss. His thumb graces your cheek
'I need to go baby. I'll be back soon. You rest' he asks you with pleading eyes and a last kiss as he exits the door
You are left alone in your shared bedroom
.-.-.-.-.
Ellie wakes at the sound of jessy pounding the garage door. After an embarrassing talk about her kiss with Dina, Ellie is ready to go
'I need to help y/n down the stairs. Joel is obsessed about it' ellie explains as she opens the main house door, Jessy behind her as she find you in the kitchen and rolls her eyes in exasperation
'morning' you tell her as you pile up the pancakes
'for fuck sake y/n. you did the stairs alone again?' ellie asks exasperated. She tried to hide it but she shares joel's fear
'oh come on. Don’t be like joel. Have breakfast now. You too Jessy' you tell her serving two plates as they sit down
'he wanted to go with you but he preferred to let you sleep' you tell ellie with a small smile as you see her looking around
'yah' she says only before digging in her food
You all eat before the youngster go to the door. Ellie helps you putting your shoes on, even If you complain, although your belly prevents you to lace them up
'ellie' you call her. Jessy steps outside giving you privacy, giving you a nod with his head in ackowldegment.
'I'm happy you two are starting to make amends, he misses you. I miss you. I want your sibling to arrive in a united family' you say with a small smile passing your hand on your bump, the other is on her shoulder. Her eyes are lucid, as if she still needed reasurance to know that she is your daughter for you, you extend her your hand. She takes it.
'Will be better than the Fullers' ellie jokes. You smile giving her a kiss on the head 'be safe out there. don’t do anything stupid ' you reminder her
'you too. Sit down before you pop here' she replies. You laugh as she exits the house
.-.-.-.-.
Joel’s panick surges when he sees Jackson on fire and the hoard going towards it
Y/N
Ellie
His unborn child
Tommy and his family
His family needs him, you need him. He needs to go back and protect you damn the consequences
‘I need to go back’ he tells Dina and the girl they just met preparing the horse to run
‘You will not make it’ the girl tells him
‘If I don’t make it I don’t make it. They need me’ he says worry eating him alive
‘We are close!’ The girl shouts, convincing him that her group can help him
That decision would cost Joel his life and would cost to you everything
-.-.-.-.-
It all happens too fast. One moment you are cleaning the guns the next the bell Is ringing.
Joel
Ellie
You are on the street, gun in hand in a second going to the main road. Tommy sees you from up the wall, he runs down concern in his features
'are they back?' you ask franatically holding the gun
'not yet. you need to hide' he tells you
'I need to go find them' you reply going for the gate
'you will be dead before you reach them. Go hide. They must be hiding too' tommy tries to make you reason
'I can fight' you reply. You cannot hide, not when your husband and daughter are not back, not when you don’t know if they are alive
'I know you can. But I need you to go hide. Look, I'm already worried about joel and ellie, and I cannot fight the hoard if I’m worried also about you. So help me out' he pleads.
The logic is there. You put your pride aside. What is the point of worrying about them if you get yourself killed?
'okay' you tell him, 'good' he replies
You go take shelter in the hospital. So at least you can help when the invasion ends. You join the rest of the population not deemed to fight in the basement. All you can do is wait and hope.
Your child feels your dirstess and kicks you from the inside
'don't worry baby, your dad and sister will be okay, they must be'
.-.-.-.
Joel ponders if to plead for his life. For your sake more than his. But what if they go after Ellie then? What if they go after you? They already threatened to kill Dina, who is just a girl. What would stop them from killing you too?
He cannot risk it.
In the end he deserves it. The girl is right he killed her father without a thought. The irony is that she is killing a father too
His kid. He will never meet his kid. This was his third chance of being a father. At not screwing up like he did with Sarah and now Ellie. It was too good to be true. No god was that merciful to give you three chances
He thinks about you. I don’t even get to say goodbye
At your laugh, at you love. Will you be alright without him protecting you? You will have Ellie and Tommy. You all will look after each others, you must
He is scared though. Scared of your rage. Of what you could do without him. But he cannot risk your life in a mere attempt to save his own
Please forgive me love
He begs you as he think about your arms that tried to cage him in the bed this morning, at your face when you concentrate, at you and Ellie singing, at you whispering I love you as is it was a secret against his skin
And that is when the golf club hits him
-.-.-.-.-
Its the quietness that allerts that the worst is over. The nightmare has ended, now the city must pick up the pieces
Little you know that your worst nightmare is about to begin
Joel. Ellie
You need to find them. You need to find your family. Now that is all quiet they must be back. You try to call them via radio, no reply.
'they must have waited for the hoard to leave. They wll be back soon' maria tells you, you nod, worry eating you alive. Something is wrong you can feel it in your guts. You reach the gate helping out in the meantime to distract your mind
‘Where are you Joel? Where are you Ellie?’ You keep on thinking . You try to ignore the terrible feeling that is creeping in your heart, that something is wrong, terribly wrong , you hope you are wrong
Hours pass until the horses are seen by the guards
'horses!' the sentinel shouts, you drop eveything and go to the gate. The gates open revelaing two horses and three people. Jessy, Ellie and Dina. No Joel.
Tommy arrives in a second 'you okay?' he asks them
Ellie is crying, Jess barely being able to hold her. Dina can't look at you
'ellie are you okay?' you ask standing next to her horse. She doesn’t reply, you don’t think she even heard you
'she has a broken rib most likely' jessy replies avoiding your gaze, you nod 'is going to be okay swetheart' you try to reassure her. A sob is all you get in return
'where is joel?' you ask , Ellie turns, looking behind her and you see it . the horse has something attached to a rope and something wrapped in a blanket, shaped as a man
'where is joel?' you repeat, tommy eyes widen as he falls on his knee next to you. He cannot tear his eyes away from the figure in the blanket
Jessy helps Ellie down, she can barely stand as some of the medics arrive and take her
'where are you bringing her?' you demand, 'she needs a medic, now' jessy stresses
In any other situaion you would run to her but your mind is not processing what is happening . It feels like a nightmare that is not allowing you to wake up. The medics reassure you that they will take care of Ellie. You let them
'where is joel!' you demand again to all and no one.
As they take her Ellie registers what is happening and turns around 'joel' she cries looking at the balnket as the medics tear her away as she tries to reach it. Your eyes can't tear away from the figure too now
Maria looks between her husband and you. Her mind already made the math. You are too in denial to even process it
Tommy crawls to it. 'y/n' maria says careful, looking at the scene in front of her. You look at her as she is crazy. Tommy reaches the body freeying the head of the blanked. Tommy screams and cries as the face is revealed
You see him. Your brain registers the truth.
your lover, you husband, your other half of your soul. Unreconizable, bloody, broken, dead.
. I didn’t even get to say goodbye
'no. no. is not true' you cry tears forming in your eyes as you rush next to tommy crunching down, and feeling joel under your fingertips you craddle his head in your lap directly over yoir belly . Or at least what is left of his face
'joel. Joel! Wake up . Wake up handsome come on!' you shout, there is no reponse. 'joel come on. You must wake up. I need you, ellie needs you, we need you' . Still no response
‘Quick we need a doctor! Help me! Don’t stand there’ you shout at your in laws
‘He is dead y/n’ Maria carefully says to you as Tommy cries in her chest
He is dead. Joel is dead. Your husband is dead. The father of your child is dead.
You heart shatters in fragment so small they can never be pactched back together
You will never see him again. call his name, hear is voice. His lips against yours. His breath in your hear. The steadiness of his body against yours. The music he made with his guitar. The sound of him arguing with ellie. His hand on your belly. His smile as he told you I love you like a promise
He will never hold his child. He will never know his child. Your child is an orfan. You are alone
Your family is broken without repair. You are broken without repair. What is the point of living now?
Your heart and soul is gone. Nothing remains of you
'oh god please no. please no. joel! Please!' you wail and sob and scream 'wake up! You promised. You fucking promised!' you shout as you cry on his body 'please! Joel!' you sound like a broken record as you scream. Maria is next to you trying to calm you.
Your heart is broken. There is nothing anyone can do for you . Not anymore. Your entire life is what is the now dead man in yoir arms
Your screaming suddenly changes as you feel another type of pain. Not the umberable pain of your love being teared from you, but a phisical one, in your stomach. You fell a wetness in your legs
Your water just broke. As your husband leaves this world, you child decides to join it
You just hope in the process it will allow you to join joel
-.-.-.-.-.
You are rushed to the hospital. Tommy woken up by the situation doesn’t think twice before tearing you away from Joel’s frame and scooping you up in his arms and running to the hospital
You kick and scream not wanting to leave Joel there.
‘Let me go!’ You shout , you even punch Tommy but he doesn’t fade. He must do what Joel would have done. Protect you . He scoops you up and fighting is useless
‘We can’t leave him here !’ You shout as Tommy brings you away from Joel. ‘Joel!’ You scream as if he could get up and stop Tommy
‘I’ll come back for him I promise. But first I need to bring you to the hospital’ Tommy swears
‘Please let me go’ you beg him but Tommy doenst fade . You continue sobbing against his chest
'she is in Labour' maria tells the nurse. The hospital is packed in the atermath of the attack. People screaming and crying. Your ears are deaf, your mind in blank as the only thing you see is your dead love
They put you in a hospital bed. Tommy is holding your hand trying to suit you
'please let me die. Please' you beg them
Why live? What sense had life without joel miller in it?
You don’t hear them as they asses you. You are just repeating ‘Joel’ and ‘please’
Tommy shakes you. Gently but firm
‘You need to push please yn’
‘No’ you just reply shaking your head as you sob ‘he should be here holding my hand. I cannot do it without him’
Joel wanted this baby so much, always talking how he would be there and help you in the labor, how you did not have to fear as long as he was there. Now he wasn’t and you were scared
‘If you don’t you both will die’ Maria argues to try convince you, if not for yourself then for your baby
‘I don’t want to. just let me die. I beg you please. I can’t do it without him. I won’t’you just shake your head . Your mind is blank you can only see Joel bloody face and repeat his name. Everything else does not make sense
‘She is under shock’ the nurse tells them ‘normally we would sedate and do a c section but we run out if it. We must do the old natural way. So she must cooperate’
Maria and Tommy exchange a look, before Tommy speaks
‘Joel loved you and loved this baby. He would want to see you live both of you. You know it y/n. It would break his heart to see you waste both your lives on him. You know it. I know you do.’
The child that Joel craved so much is your now curse to life. You wanted this child. You had waited for them. With joel speaking to them. You loved this kid. But right now you hated life more
‘I don’t care what he wated. I want to join him please tommy. Just take them out, save them and let me go in the process. Please’ you plead
‘Ellie and the kid needs you. You need to live for them’ Maria pleads you
You hear ellie scremaing next room she must have woken up and realise that her father is gone. That the person who loved her the most is dead. That she is an orfan again. You are all that is left for her
You ponder for a minute. Your children need you. But you are too selfish. Joel was the selfless one. Joel would have lived for them. You couldn’t
‘Take care of them. Please’ you say with finality. Your sobs have quieted. ‘I won’t push. If you want to save this child you will take them out. I give you my consent. Save them and let me go’ you fall back in the bed as the nurse looks at Tommy unsure on what to do
‘Give me a minute’ Maria tells Tommy and the nurse
She exist the room and run to Ellie who is still screaming
‘Ellie! Ellie! listen o me . You need to help y/n. The baby is here and she doenst wan’t to push. She is going to die too if you don’t convince her’ Maria explain as she shakes here
The girl stop screaming as she silently cries ‘bring me to her’ Maria pushes the bed and brings her to the crowded room
You see her. The girl who you call daughter. A tube sticking out of her , in a hospital bed
‘Y/N please fuckinh listen to them’ she asks you. She is still crying and at the scene in front of you, your will falters. Are you that selfish to risk your child life with your stubbornness ?
‘I’m sorry I can’t . Please let me join him. Tommy and Maria will take care of you. Of both of you’ you tell her avoiding her gaze ‘now leave please. They need to take your sibling out. I don’t want you to see’
‘Mum’ ellie cries ‘ I need you. I lost him. We lost him. I cant loose you too please. Please’ she begs you.
She has never called you mum before. No matter how much you wished it secretly. But you don’t deserve the title anymore not after what you did, risking your unborn child life and deciding to abandon both your kids
‘I’m sorry baby. I’m sorry. I can’t. Even if I stay now I can’t promise I will stay tomorrow’ you tell her asking for her forgiveness . At least they could tell your child you died in labour, not that you abandoned them willingly
Ellie understands you, part of her wishes she had joined Joel at the chalet but now something else fueled her will to live
‘I need you to. We need to make them pay’
Revenge. That is what wakes you. And you hate yourself for that. Not your pleading daughter but the promise of killing who took Joel from you
You will deliver this baby. You will avange Joel and then join him. That is your compromise
‘Okay. I will push’ you say. Everyone sighs in relief and you deliver a baby girl
She looks already like him. The name choice is obvious
Sarah Tessa Miller
Joel was cursed to live in a world without sarah.
Now sarah was cursed to live without him in it
Part 2 Part 3 part 4(last part)
-.-.-.-
Joel Miller masterlist in 'other characters' materialist
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