I was at the studio record for tonight's taskmaster episode, so full debrief below the readmore! (Spoilers for TM S18E5)
[Some things may be paraphrased as I wrote it all down immediately after the episode record.]
ARRIVAL AND SEATING
We got to the studio at about 10:15am, there were approx 10 people there already
The staff didn't turn up till 10:30 so we made our own queue
Staff moved our queue and told everyone with cars in the visitor carpark to move them, they join the queue in their cars while people on foot queued in the rain
Lots of waiting around, then the queue was moved, then a quick security check, then wristbands and more waiting around. There were not enough toilets. There were snacks and drinks available to buy but no "real" food.
We started moving again at 12:45.
The first 22 people got orange wrist bands and we were put in the gallery! (11 on each side)
The gallery itself is only as deep as the chairs, it's very much only decorated on the sides that the camera can see.
The decoration behind us was plasticy and painted gold, kind of like paper plate material.
The wall was painted with the same pattern as the sides, but super small, gold on red, but looked less neat than the big stuff which is more visible on camera.
Underneath us was bare wood and we were in a metal frame.
My friend went to the loo and said Greg and Alex's seats arrived on the back of a trailer and stopped at the zebra crossing for her.
The studio was much smaller than I expected, 5 or so rows of seats in the front section, literally within arms reach of the seat 1 contestant. This looked like it was all people with a red wristband, who were 2nd after orange.
The back section was bigger, I'd say maybe 8 rows deep? And wider.
There was some reshuffling of seats near the end, some people who were right at the back were put in the front row at the last minute (probably some priority people didn't turn up?)
I don't think anyone's view was obstructed by cameras, but the left gallery couldn't see the contestants' faces, while the right gallery (including me) couldn't see Greg & Alex's faces.
(I did see Alex's shoulders sort of hunch every time he got the giggles though which was incredibly cute)
INTRO
Mark the warm up man got people shouting out & making noise (he comes back at every ad break, and every set change break)(some of the breaks he asked if we had any questions about the filming of TM and answered them to the best of his ability)(one time we played audience tinder, which is like audience guess who but based on 1 single person's romantic requirements (man, single, over 23, under 30. This got everyone out, and mark announced that was why she was still single.)
Mark brought Greg on
Someone shouted happy birthday
Greg: it's not today, it was on the 14th. I'm 55. Today it's ............................... It was.................
Someone in the Audience: it was on Tuesday!
[Note today is thursday]
Greg: At a certain age you stop counting birthdays. I woke up and realised I was closer to 60 than 50, And genuinely the first thing I said when I woke up, alone in my bedroom, was "blink"
Greg brought Alex on
Alex: I have some bad news
Greg: oh no
Alex: you're actually 56
Greg: oh what did I say?
Alex: 55
Greg: oh I was in a good mood and you've put me in a bad mood now
Greg asked the audience for help with Alex's improv
Alex was told to come up with a Pop song about corn
This was misheard by Greg as porn
They decided on corny porn
Greg gives Alex a beat
Alex [singing]: Sometimes a man gets lonely
*Greg and audience piss themselves, Alex breaks*
Greg: I thought I'd give you some time there to come up with a rhyme for lonely
Alex: oh I'm going for an ABCB rhyming scheme
[Slightly paraphrased in places because I'm not perfect]
[Greg beat starts up again]
Alex, Singing:
Sometimes a man gets lonely
And that man is Alex Horne
all his friends are out for the evening
So he opens his corny porn
[verse 2]
*Something about Cracker jokes*
*something about a boy and a girl*
*[I forgot this line]*
And then they have full sex.
(((If anyone was there and remembers these lines I will happily make edits)))
Greg: I thought you were going to shy away from the sex
Alex: oh, no, didn't shy away
Greg: they have legitimate sex
Alex: well they do love each other, so it's legitimate sex
Alex: But it wasn't being filmed
Alex: It was actually behind a closed door
Greg: so it wasn't porn at all
Contestants are introduced to the audience by greg before they all sit down
Andy zaltzman is wearing a snooker outfit, with cue and chalk. He is told (by Greg, who was told by the greenroom) to put the cue over his left shoulder so the cameras can see him. He says the producer told him to wear it over his right just before the show. Greg relays this to the greenroom, and then says [to greenroom] "bit harsh", and [to Andy] "he called you a lying cunt"
Babatunde aleshe
Emma sidi
Jack Dee
Rosie jones
The Makeup team come on, there's some admin stuff (fire safety etc)
Then it starts properly, they play the introduction on the big screen
Greg: A man who told me fire fighters are the ¿Least ?? ? Of all the emergency services.
Alex: I was most scared if this one because if my house burns down...
Greg: Well you should stop telling me these things
BANTER SECTION
Alex: The group chat is popping off
The taskmaster WhatsApp, we've had some questions
Alex: Question from Brian. Actually, a lot of people asked this. Are Greg and Alex twins?
Alex: Someone else asked if I was ok
Greg: yes I always wonder that
Alex: I had an ECG and felt better
Alex: an EGG
Alex: I had an egg.
Greg: *Groans*
Greg: You do it on purpose. I was in a good mood. You've put me in a foul mood. Is that really all you've prepared? Someone thinks we're twins, and you've had an egg.
PRIZE TASK
Thing that's best when you add water
Baba, trying to defend jelly to greg: "You know when your mums just like-"
Greg: "sorry I'm going to stop you there, it sounded like you called my mum a slag
*General confusion*
[They Continue]
Baba: you know when your mums a slag
*Everyone in the audience heard it this time*
Baba confused, everyone else pissing themselves
*Repeat multiple times, everyone getting more and more hysterical*
Baba: you know when Your Mum *Says*...
Greg, holding his ear piece: How likely is it the slag comments are going to be left in? The gallery says 100%.
TASK 1: Alex is a robot, direct to charging port, gibe an instruction every 10 seconds, robot wont follow instructions with o or e
Emma makes sexual moans when she sees the robot
Greg replays VT multiple times, she calls it "Platonic arousal"
Long discussion about mascots and those tall wobbly dancing tubes, and Mr blobby
Emma loves them all but they have to move
Greg brings up a butcher mascot which was a pig cutting parts of itself off, but it doesn't move so Emma isn't interested. If it moved she'd like it
Andy: Coming from a Jewish background, would the pig cutting parts of itself off be kosher?
Emma: no! [Pause for laughter/apology/embarrassment] sorry, no because pork isn't kosher. It's the trotters.
Someone: if the pig cuts its own trotters off then maybe it could be kosher
Greg: snip snip snip, out it goes
[There's a submarine in the garden?!!]
Emma, during task: walk lady
Emma, in studio: I changed it to walk by lady, I realised I could say by
Greg: Bisexual lady?
Emma: I'm not assuming the sexuality of the robot
Lots of "I mean him, not me" from Alex when talking about the robot
Rosie points out she got a lap dance from the robot
Emma: "Oh robot - we've found it!" (Or similar)
Greg takes the piss multiple times throughout the ep
TASK 2: make the strongest smell and put it in this jar. *Jar is sealed for 3-4 months until the studio record*
Rosie's sounds very very ominous, everyone is scared
On the back of the task it says anyone who is unwilling to smell their own jar gets 0 points
They talk about how that's definitely backfired on Rosie
Rosie: I'm actually quite excited, I want to smell it
Greg makes Alex read something out
Alex: oh, strange, this one is handwritten. Alex also has to smell the jars or Greg will kick him in the gooch
Emma pretends hers smells super strong, Greg describes it as mild
Baba: marmite and coffee, makes his eyes bulge
Rosie's is hugely disappointing. She repeats how disappointed she is. Greg doesn't believe her until he smells it and says he is also disappointed.
Andy's makes all the contestants gag (sardines, vinegar, huge mix of random crap, detergent, soap,)
Alex: I was surprised you went with things that remove stubborn smells
*The smells waft up to the balcony and to some of the front row. *
Jack's makes Greg lightheaded and have to pause for a bit (air freshener)
Later, in one of the breaks:
Audience member: why didn't Alex smell the smells?
Audience ooh and mutter
Mark: very good question
[Alex did not then smell the smells :( ]
TASK 3: Present a heartwarming local news story
[Team task!]
Rosie and Jack
Andy, Emma and Baba
The intro to this gets played again because they did some smelly pickups while the table was still out, and then packed it up again, and by that time everyone had forgotten what the task was.
Greg says Andy looks younger as Isabella the old lady than as himself
*Greg talks shit about both their attempts*
Greg says he thinks they both did really well
Alex: *do* you think that? It didn't sound like that
Greg says Emma could genuinely be a newsreader (Emma: middle class), then there was a whole section where Rosie and Greg talk about how alluring/hot Fiona Bruce is
STUDIO TASK: catapult parachute target
During set up we could see Alex on the side of the stage waiting for everything to be ready, we waved at him from the balcony and he waved back with confused but happy smile
The edge of the target was literally 50cm away from the front row. Front section were warned to 'watch out'
Mark: I wasn't sure I was allowed to mention it being a catapult
*Shadow of a catapult clearly visible through the screen*
Baba tried to shoot one really flat and it flew straight into the audience (3rd row!)
He immediately sat on the losers bench before the others had even gone
Emma's doesn't unfurl and goes 2nd row of the audience
Rosie Vs jack at the end: Rosie playing up the cerebral palsy deliberately to put jack off, stuff like "you wouldn't beat a disabled girl", and "I have cerebral palsy", "I didn't breathe for 17 minutes"
Jack really struggled to get his last shot because he was bent over laughing
It looked like a draw, Greg had to adjudicate
When he called a win for jack, Rosie pretended she was really struggling to walk over to the losers bench
After they'd all been:
Alex: I'm really glad they all flew. In the rehearsals we had loads of crap goes
Greg: How do you feel jack?
Jack: Guilty
Greg: And how do you feel Rosie?
Rosie: *Big fake sad face (which kept breaking)* "...*tiny broken voice* sad :( " *Followed by instant giggles*
TIE BREAK: how many days old will Alex be on Christmas day 2024? Have to be looking into his eyes the whole time
Emma Vs jack, Emma got very close, jack just gave up. Rosie actually got the closest (within 70? Days)
END:
And we've learned that my mum's a slag
We were told it was the first time ever all 5 contestants have won the first 5 episodes
*Contestants leave*
Man with crutches in audience [to rosie]: before this I thought you were so sweet (ominous pause) but now I think you're *wonderful* [Rosie hugged him!]
Greg: we all thought you were going to say something horrible. I was getting ready to put Alex between us
PICKUPS
Greg and Alex do lots of repeats for previous fuck ups and make lots more fuck ups.
*Talking to empty chairs*
Greg keeps apologising for how long it's all taking
Greg: we all want to go home
Greg: We're going to do a physical bit and you're going to absolutely love it. You'll know it when you see it.
*At the end of one of the pickups they both turn in their chairs and look at the blank screen. Audience love it*
Greg gets told by the gallery to repeat ¿papas meat?
Greg:shall I do it sexier? How much sex do you want? 8/10 sex?
Alex: you sound like Rachel
*They do a massive exaggerated turn to the screen*
Greg: I overcooked that one
They repeat the shakespeare bit 2 or 3 times. Greg says every time he's asked to do it again he'll ham it up more.
Alex: I'm really hungry, are you really hungry?
They did some extra "taskmaster the live experience" advertisment filming
Greg notices a really big man in the audience and asks him how tall he is (6'5") and then gets very distracted by his "brethren" and repeatedly flubs his lines
Greg: What are you doing?
Greg: Look at me you grubby little ferret
[This was repeated about 5 times because Greg kept fucking up, and then when he got through it Alex immediately fucked up the next line]
Greg said we were the best audience so far (he also said he wasnt lying or exaggerating. If anyone else has been to one, does he say this to evey audience?)
Got let out at 5pm
[Extra things that I can't remember when they happened]
Alex: When we watch telly together
Greg: ... Because we are actually lovers *puts hand on alex*
Greg: Or so some corners of the internet would have you believe
During breaks, makeup people come in and remove the lint from Greg and Alex's jackets, Alex gets a sticky roller, Greg gets a little brush
They dab Greg's head as well
Greg: I like making people on the internet angry
Overall a delightful day out, 10/10 experience, would recommend!