#tmbtp:part1chapter1

[honeyjars-sims]

1.1.14 Smoke Break

I’m on my lunch break and feeling restless, so I walk to a nearby convenience store to get a bottle of water.

There’s plenty of bottled water at work, but for some reason I feel the need to get out of the building. I think people are starting to pick up that I’m feeling down about things, and I haven’t really been in the mood to talk to anyone about it.

When I go into the convenience store, I see the same cashier is still working there. I haven’t been there much since I quit smoking before Rachel was born.

“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while,” the cashier, Heidi, tells me.

“I’m surprised you remember me. I haven’t been here for years.” I grab my water and head to the counter.

“So where’ve you been?” Heidi asks.

“I’m still working down the street, but I haven’t had a reason to come in since I stopped smoking.”

“Oh, you did? That’s great! I wish I could quit, but some bullshit always happens and I can’t handle it without a cigarette.”

I’m suddenly very aware of how it felt to light up a cigarette after a rough day. It was always such a relief. Of course, there were a lot of negatives to it as well, but now all I can do is stare at a pack of my favorite cigarettes and remember the feel of it in my hand.

“Yeah, it definitely made things a lot easier,” I agree. “You know, I have been pretty stressed out lately. Maybe just one wouldn’t hurt.”

“Oh no, I didn’t mean to make it sound appealing,” Heidi apologizes.

“No, it’s okay. I think it must’ve been in the back of my mind and that’s why I ended up back here today.”

“Are you sure?” Heidi asks as she places a pack of cigarettes on the counter.

“Yeah. Like I said, I’m just going to have one and get it out of my system.”

Heidi looks like she’s handling a bomb as she places the pack and a lighter in my bag. I don’t blame her.

I make it a few steps out of the store before I have to open the pack and have a cigarette. I know I’m making a mistake. There's no guarantee I can stick to having just one cigarette. I feel guilty for going back on a promise, but I also feel a sense of relief.

When I get back to work, I do my best to freshen up so no one smells cigarette smoke.

Previous | Beginning of Story | Next

[honeyjars-sims]

1.1.19 The Monster

Rachel: Dad! Come quick! There’s a monster in my room!

Johnny: Rachel, monsters aren’t real. You probably had a bad dream.

Rachel: But I saw it with my own two eyes. I’ll show you!

Johnny: I promise there’s nothing there.

Rachel: [standing in front of a gruesome monster] See? I told you!

Johnny: RACHEL!!! NO!!! RUN!!!!!!

Later That Day

After my nightmare, I feel unsettled all day. My sister Cece, who’s over for a visit, picks up on my discomfort.

“What’s up with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“More like a monster.”

“Huh?”

“I had a nightmare last night. Like the ones I used to have.”

“Oh, Johnny, I’m so sorry,” Cece says sympathetically. “I know how much you struggled with that when you were younger. What was it about?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it. But at least Paul woke me up before it got too bad. Apparently I was crying out in my sleep.”

“That sounds really rough! Did you talk to Paul about it at least?”

“No, it’s still a little too fresh. And it was a bit different from the ones I had before because this time I wasn’t the one in danger.”

“Well, you should talk to him when you’ve had more time. You have a tendency to shut people out when things get tough.”

“Yeah, I know.” Cece is right, but this feels different from what she described. Is it really shutting people out if you don’t feel like you can talk to them? And why don’t I feel like I can talk to my own husband? “Have you and Ben ever gone through a rough patch?”

“Hmm, not exactly,” she says. “I mean, we’ve had disagreements about setlists and such when we’re on the road, but nothing too personal. Why, are you and Paul having one?”

“I don’t know.” I feel I’ve said too much. “It’s just hard to connect when you have young kids, I guess.” Is that all it is? It’s a convenient explanation, especially when you’re talking to someone who doesn’t have kids. They just take you at your word.

“Well, I’m sure you two can get back on track. You should talk to him.”

“I know. I will.” 

Context for Johnny's nightmare

Previous | Beginning of Story | Next

[honeyjars-sims]

1.1.13 Big Girl

After Hollis lets Paul and I know that she’s not ready to have another child yet, I dejectedly head home to check on the girls. I can’t bear to pretend like I’m not disappointed, but I know it’s not fair to burden Hollis with my emotions.

“There’s my big girl,” I say when I see Rachel. I lift her up in the air as she begins to giggle. 

“You’re so silly, Dad!” She laughs.

I put her down. “Dad?” I ask. “What happened to calling me ‘Dada’?”

“My friends at school said that’s what babies say,” she explains.

I suppose she’s right, but that never mattered before. “Is that so?”

“Yeah, they all call their dads ‘Dad’ or ‘Daddy’,” she tells me. “No one else says ‘Dada.’”

“Well, you don’t have to change to fit in,” I say. “Remember we talked about staying true to yourself.”

“It’s okay, I want to be a big girl anyway. That’s what you call me, right?”

“You are a big girl. But you’ll always be my little girl, too.” I can feel myself getting choked up. It seems like just yesterday that she was born. Now she’s worried that her friends will think she’s too much of a baby.

“Dad, that doesn't make any sense.” She shakes her head.

“I rarely make sense, so get used to it.” I ruffle her hair. “Just don’t grow up too much.”

“I won’t,” she promises. “I’m still just a kid.” 

She’s right, she is still a kid. It will be a long while before I have to worry about her driving or getting a job. Still, I can’t help but feel sad about her wanting to leave behind baby things, especially now that I know it’ll be a while before we have another baby in the house. 

Previous | Beginning of Story | Next

[honeyjars-sims]

1.1.8 A Timely Announcement

Before I head into work this morning, I agreed to meet my twin sister Chantal for coffee at the cafe across from my house. Well, I ordered a coffee and she opted for a green tea.

I fill her in on all the happenings in the DiMarco-Haim household, namely Paul’s decision to help out at the LGBT center clinic once a month.

“I think that’s really cool of him, but I get the feeling you don’t feel the same,” Chantal tells me as she sips her tea.

“It’s not that I don’t get why he would want to help, I just hate having less time with him than I already have,” I explain. The more I talk about my feelings on the matter, the more ridiculous I feel. 

“I can understand that, but it’s only a few hours a month. Are you sure there’s not more to it than that?”

I sigh. “I guess I just worry that adding another thing on his plate is going to lessen the chances that he’ll want to have another baby any time soon.”

“Maybe, maybe not. Have you talked to him about it?”

“Not yet. I’ve tried not to bring it up since the last time he said he wasn’t ready.”

“That might be for the best. You don’t want to pressure him too much. Maybe you need something else to focus on until having another baby is on the table.”

“You’re probably right.” It’s not like we don’t have enough on our plates with the girls already. I just wish I could stop thinking about what it would be like to have a newborn in my arms again.

“I hope this isn’t a bad time, but I did ask you to meet me because I have something to tell you.” Chantal places her hand on her belly.

“No way!” I exclaim. “Are you…?”

“Yes, I’m pregnant! We just found out and I didn’t want to wait to tell you. I hope my news doesn’t make you feel worse about your situation.”

“Are you kidding? I’m so happy for you!” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a twinge of jealousy at her announcement, but mostly I feel excited for a new member of the family. “You’re going to be a wonderful mother.”

“I hope so! It’s all so overwhelming.”

“Trust me, you’ve got this!” I can’t wait to meet my new nibling, and to see my sister as a mom.

Previous | Beginning of Story | Next

[honeyjars-sims]

1.1.20 Out in the Open

I’ve just gotten home from work and I'm about to hop in the shower when Paul approaches me.

“Hey, can I talk to you about something?” The dreaded words. I can feel my body tensing up. 

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Well, I was looking for one of Chelsea’s toys, and I checked your work bag. I saw a pack of cigarettes in there.” I search his face for signs of how he might be feeling. Is this the final straw, the thing that makes him realize I’m not husband material after all?

“Oh, that,” I say nonchalantly. “Look, I’m really sorry. I broke down one day and got a pack. I’ve only had one, though, and that was weeks ago.”

“I just don’t understand why. You haven’t had a cigarette since before Rachel was born. What changed?”

“I don’t know, I guess I’ve been feeling stressed about things.”

“Stressed? Why didn’t you talk to me?” That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? I consider answering with some dismissive remark so I can continue pretending like everything is fine. Something tells me it’s time for honesty, though. 

I sigh and sit down on the ottman. “Well, you’re always so busy. I guess I didn’t feel like I could.”

Paul raises his eyebrows. “You can always talk to me, John. I know I’ve been busy with work and the clinic, but I’m still here.”

“You’re here physically, but how much time do we really spend together? Half the time we don’t even have meals together.”

“I guess you’re right,” he admits quietly. “We haven’t really been making time for just the two of us. I guess we’ve gotten so busy being parents that we haven’t been prioritizing our relationship. I promise I’ll do better. But John, I think there’s more to how you’re feeling than that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the other day you were tearing up because Rachel didn’t want you to cut up her pancakes. And you’ve been having those nightmares lately. What’s going on?”

There’s no backing down now. It's time to face whatever it is I've been running from. “I don’t know. Paul, I think there’s something wrong with me.” I feel tears forming in my eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure. I’m just having a really hard time watching Rachel get older. I know it's stupid. I mean, that’s what’s supposed to happen, right? Kids get older. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much with this.”

Paul puts a hand on my shoulder. “I know how you feel. It’s hard watching your kids become more independent. Is that why you’ve been wanting another baby so badly? So you’ll have someone to depend on you again?”

“Maybe. I think it’s something else, though.” The tears are rolling down my cheeks now.

“What is it?” I can tell he's concerned. I look down.

“Well, Rachel is about the same age as I was when things started getting really bad in my family. I think there’s a part of me that’s afraid something is going to happen to her and it’s going to be my fault. That I’ll fail her like my mother failed me.”

Paul crouches down and puts his hands on my face. I can't avoid his gaze now. “Oh, John. I didn’t even think about her being the same age as you were when your trauma started. It makes sense that you might be triggered by that.”

“I just felt so much more in control of things when the kids were little. Now it seems so much harder to keep them safe.”

“It’s understandable that you feel that way, it really is. But John, you can’t keep living like this," he says, firm but gentle. "The girls are going to get more and more independent. You’re going to have to trust that they’ll be okay.”

“I know. I should probably start going to therapy again, huh?”

“I think that’s a good idea. And please, just talk to me about your feelings. I promise I’ll be here to listen from now on.”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” 

We kiss. I had been dreading talking about my feelings for so long, but now that everything is out in the open, I feel a sense of peace wash over me. Things might be tough for a while still, but I know we'll get through it together.

Previous | Beginning of Story | Next

[honeyjars-sims]

1.1.17 Separate Lives

Previous | Beginning of Story | Next

[honeyjars-sims]

1.1.11 Maybe Baby

My favorite moment of everyday is when Paul gets home from work. He doesn’t have much time to text during the day since he’s with his patients, so it’s always exciting seeing him walk through the door.

He comes in and I grab him into a hug. “Hey, honey. I missed you.”

“I missed you, too. How are the girls?”

“They’re good. Rachel is working on homework and Chelsea is keeping her company.”

“You mean distracting her.” Paul grins.

“You’re probably right.” I laugh. Chelsea demands a lot of attention, but Rachel absolutely adores her little sister. Plus, she’s good at working through a lot of noise, so I’m sure she doesn’t mind the constant interruptions.

“You know what I was thinking about the other day?” Paul asks. 

“Hmm, what?”

“Remember when Chelsea was a baby and she would crawl over Rachel every chance she got?”

I laugh. “Yeah, and Rachel would just let her. They’d end up collapsed on the floor, giggling their heads off.”

“They were so cute back then! Well, they still are, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do. There’s something magical about kids when they’re that little.” I can feel that familiar pang that hits every time I think about babies. The one that makes me want to have another one, even though I know Paul isn’t ready for that yet.

“You’re right about that. You know,” he says, clearing his throat. “I have been thinking more about having another one.” 

“Really?” I ask excitedly. “And what have you decided?”

“I think maybe after everything settles down with opening the clinic, I might be open to the idea.”

I know “might be open” isn’t exactly a certainty, but I can’t help but feel excited at Paul’s statement. After all, it’s the closest thing I’ve gotten to a “yes” since I first proposed the idea. 

“Are you serious? That’s the best thing I’ve heard in a while!” We’re both caught up in the moment. Paul lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his waist as he leans in for a kiss. 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, though,” he warns. “Even if we’re on the same page, we have to run it by Hollis as well.”

“I don’t think that will be a problem,” I assure him. “Last time we talked about it, she seemed to be on board with getting pregnant again.”

“That’s good, then.” 

I can’t believe after all the time I’ve waited that I might actually have a new baby soon.

Previous | Beginning of Story | Next

[honeyjars-sims]

1.1.6 Clinically Opposed

Pops is over for a visit. Dad is out of town to star in a drag show and for once, Pops didn’t accompany him. The LGBT center he works at received a grant, and they’ve been hard at work figuring out how to allocate the money, so Pops has been putting in more hours at work.

“We’ve been wanting to open a health clinic for a while,” Pops tells us. 

“That’s a great idea!” Paul says. “What kinds of things do you plan to offer?”

“Well, we want to offer STD testing and treatment and basic services for the uninsured. Our goal is for people in our community to get the services they need without having to pay out of pocket.”

“So you’d need to find some physicians who are willing to put in the time without getting paid for it,” I point out. 

“Basically, yes.”

“How often would the clinics run?” Paul asks. I can see the wheels turning in his head, and I’m not sure I like where this is going.

“Probably one Saturday a month to start.”

“Hmm, that’s not too bad.”

“Wait, you’re not seriously considering doing this are you?” I interject.

“Sure, why not?” Paul answers. “It would be a great way to help out the community.”

“I’m not disagreeing with that, but we already only get two full days together a week. Do you really want to give one of them up?”

“It would only be once a month.”

I’m not really sure how to respond. It’s not like Paul is doing anything wrong here. He’s right that it would be a great way to help not only the disadvantaged but my Pops as well. Still, I can’t help but feel upset that I’ll have less time with my husband. I don’t say any of this, though.

“If you really don’t want me to, I won’t,” Paul concedes.

“No, I’m being selfish. I think it would be a good thing to do.” 

Paul and Pops start talking out the details. I’m still not completely on board, but I suppose I’ll have to work on getting over it. 

Previous | Beginning of Story | Next