For a while, I blamed myself. I blamed myself for not crying enough for you. I ran out of tears on the first week of losing you. I wondered whether I didn’t love you enough. Was that why I couldn’t cry? Was it because even my body didn’t think I deserved crying for you? But for a while, I was angry. I was angry at anything and everything. Then I realized that it wasn’t that I didn’t love you enough. I loved you so much that even until this moment, I cannot believe you are already gone. That’s why I cannot really accept it yet. That’s why it doesn’t hurt like it should.
Till today, I still blame myself. I love you. But life got busy and I stopped chasing after you like I used to. I still listen to every one of your albums, but I stopped memorizing those lyrics and fanchants. I wished I had tried a little bit more. Just a little more. Maybe that would make me feel less guilty now.
That day, I went to your solo concert. It was the first time I had seen you since my second SHINee concert in 2012. 5 years. It took me 5 years to come back in front of you. I have changed. But there you stood, as bright as ever. I didn’t know that was the last of your spark. I didn’t know you were letting go. If I did, I would have tried so hard to hold on to you. Even if that would make me look like I had gone crazy. I would have done anything to make you feel better. Believe me, I don’t blame you or what you have done. I just wish you didn’t leave feeling so lonely and sad. I wish I could have made you happier and less lonely. The day of the concert still constantly replays in my head. I remember you walking down the steps during the encore stage and stopping right at my row. I was in the second seat, so you were just an arm’s length away from me. I could have touched your face. You were so close, and I felt my breath stopped. No, not only my breath. My world stopped. I miss you.
They announced today that they have decided to release your final solo album. I think I will cry listening to your voice. I feel that I would finally have to really accept that this is the last I will hear from you. I know you aren’t really gone. You are here, in my heart. But I also know that this is the last of what you left for us. I desperately fear the release of this album, but also desperately want it. I feel like it is a double-edged sword. It will kill me, but save me. Maybe I will cry for many many nights, listening to your voice. Maybe, I will find relieve from your voice. I don’t know. All I know is, I will have to try and live with the fact that you’ve really gone. No, you are not gone. Because I refuse and will never forget you. You’re just no longer here physically.
Jonghyun oppa, I’m sorry. I know it is selfish of me to want to hold on to you. You’re in a better place, and I should be glad for that. Yet, sometimes I wish you would appear in my dreams. Just a little bit more. Just give me a little bit more time. One day I will get over all the pain and sorrow and let you go with a smile. I will stop selfishly wanting you to appear in my dreams. One day, I will be ready to hide you in a special place in my heart. One day, I will let you enjoy your time in the other world without my constant prayers that you would still appear before me.
I love you and I miss you. You’ve worked hard Jonghyun oppa. And I know you would say the same to me.
