Boogie till we drop (Part 1)
CW: Highly suggestive language and mature themes. MDNI!
Genre: Crack, humour, mystery
Summary: Nanami and Ijichi are called in to handle an investigative mission requested by an unexpected client. The mission takes a strange turn when they learn that they're expected to assist in ... writing erotic fiction.
"Hello, yes. This is Ijichi. I'm just calling in to confirm the - ahhh - mission registered as ... hold on ... 247BH? Yes. That's the one. Yes, I'll hold."
Fingers tapping nervously against the polished wood of his desk, Ijichi regretted that third coffee he'd had this morning. At the time, it had seemed necessary (he was running on empty after a late night driving Gojo to who knows where) but the latest stressful situation was worsening his jitters.
Why? Why did occurrences like this always fall straight onto his overloaded plate? And he didn't even know who could possibly help him. His roster of available sorcerers was looking mighty sparse considering the spring festival coming up. And those that were available ... well. He didn't want to waste anyone's time with something like this! Surely another solution could be found other than registering this as a paying mission -
"Ah, yes? I'm still here. Oh. But .... Surely this could be referred to ... I - Yes. Fine. Yes, I understand the necessity of assisting our allies all too well, but - "
The dial tone on the other end signaled the end of the conversation and Ijichi growled slightly before slamming the phone down. He picked it up right after and checked it for damage, before replacing the receiver more carefully.
And so, it had come to this. Letting out a heavy sigh, he moved his swivel chair over to his desktop PC, opening up the Jujutsu Tech booking platform. This was a handy way to keep track of missions received and completed, as well as the sorcerers who were available to take on said missions.
"Hmm, today is the ... yes. Let me see. Who can I - wait, what? They're all booked already? Dammit."
Fingers clacking frantically over the keys, Ijichi cursed as he wondered how so many of them could have been snapped up during his brief phone call. Talk about rotten luck! And to think of who had requested the mission in the first place ... that person wouldn't be satisfied with just anyone. It would take an experienced and mature sorcerer to -
Ah. Well now.
A certain name, highlighted in green, indicating availability. Now here was a perfect candidate. The issue was not whether he'd accept the job or not (of course he would), it was his tone and expression when Ijichi laid out the details for him which ...
Shuddering slightly, Ijichi picked up the receiver slowly and dialed.
"Good morning, Namami. I have a ... request for you. But ... maybe better explained in person. Why don't you come down to the Tech? We're setting up an interview room and a briefing so you can get all the ... details of this mission."
Now this was singularly nerve-wracking. Of all the sorcerers who's activities he'd been managing over time, Gojo had always been the one to grant him the greatest number of grey hairs ... but Nanami was different altogether. It wasn't that he was unkind, or even cold. There was just something so exacting in each and every action he took, such responsibility and purpose to the manner in which he conducted his duties that if Ijichi were to perform at anything less than his best, he'd start to feel an unshakeable sense of guilt.
He met Nanami at the elevators, bowing in greeting and leading him to the interview room where their client had been set up. The tall sorcerer looked calm and unflappable as always, dressed in his trademark tan suit and dark blue shirt. Some of Ijichi's nerves must have been showing, though, because halfway down the hallway Nanami spoke.
"What's the matter, Ijichi?"
"Wha - nothing."
"You seem ... more tense than usual. Is it something to do with this mission?"
Knowing that Nanami hated being kept in the dark about vital mission parameters, Ijichi sighed.
"To speak frankly, Nanami, I don't think it will be anything beyond your capabilities. It's the nature of the mission though ... "
"Ah. So you think it's a waste of time?"
"Not that. There's a missing person involved, and cursed spirits, probably. So those things certainly do require some form of investigation."
There was a pause, and Nanami seemed slightly puzzled when he spoke again.
"I've been on plenty of missions of that nature."
Ijichi grimaced. They'd reached Interview Room 5, and he placed his hand on the doorknob.
"I think it's best that you ... speak to the client himself."
Oh, to be a fly on the wall of Interview Room 5. Fortunately, Ijichi felt suitably fly-like at that moment, considering the two powerful presences he found himself shut in a room with, so we don't have to put too much effort into imagining ourselves in the same position.
Seated at the table in the sparsely furnished room, powerful arms crossed intimidatingly over the table's glossy surface, was none other than Aoi Todo, Grade 1 sorcerer and third year student at their sister college, the Kyoto Jujutsu High School. He wore the signature purple t-shirt under his uniform, dark hair gathered back from his surly face.
Ijichi didn't know whether to be relieved or offended when Todo's glance passed over him, summarily dismissed him, and landed squarely on Nanami. Something that looked like interest flickered in his dark gaze as Nanami approached the table. Todo raised a hand, then brought down one finger, pointing it at Nanami like a loaded gun.
"You. What typa girls do you like?"
Oh heavens, not this nonsense again.
Ijichi cleared his throat.
"Todo, we've been over this. Asking our senior members what their - "
Nanami raised a hand and Ijichi fell silent, waiting to see how this would play out. Arms placed stiffly as his sides, neatly combed blonde hair dropped into Todo's vision as the sorcerer bowed.
"Nanami Kento, grade one sorcerer. Perhaps we should introduce ourselves properly first?"
Todo immediately recoiled.
"Introduce ourselves? Man, don't tell me you're this boring!"
He stood, dramatically, the same finger never abandoning its accusatory position.
"This is how men introduce themselves, Mister Salaryman or whatever shit you're cosplaying as. We nail down our type of girl. That tells me the kind of man I'm dealing with. If you're confused, I'll start! I like tall women with big asses, just like the perfect Takada-chan!"
Nanami rose from his polite bow, which he had never abandoned throughout Todo's speech. Ijichi crumpled the papers in his hands, wondering if he should intervene, when the older sorcerer spoke, his voice deep and measured as always.
"I see."
He pulled a chair out on the side of the table opposite Todo and sat down. He took off his glasses and polished them with a soft cloth produced from an inner pocket. Todo's brow creased as Nanami made no effort to respond to him.
"Oi. Are you going to - "
"I believe I asked the first question."
Across the table, Nanami's eyes were now visible; serious, unflinching, a steely vice that brooked no room for argument. It was evident, in that sharp-cornered gaze, that this was no ordinary salaryman. Todo stared back before plopping down in his seat once more, chin raising stubbornly.
"Oh? Well, I'm Aoi Todo, grade one sorcerer. Still a student, or something. Now I've answered your question. You answer mine."
Nanami nodded before linking his fingers on the tabletop.
"Very well. In answer to your rather invasive query, my preference is women, not girls."
Ijichi's mouth twitched uncontrollably. He shuffled his papers, struggling to maintain control of his features.
"Secondly, from my knowledge, women are not defined by their individual body parts, but rather their whole. And if you're not prepared to appreciate the full impact of a woman, from head to toe, inside and out, then you've got no business looking at them in the first place."
Todo opened his mouth to retort, but Nanami raised a silencing finger.
"I'm not done. Third, I've seen this Takada-chan. I assume she's the idol I've watched in some sports commercials. While I can't attest to the exact nature of her character, I can say that she seems like a more straightforward young woman who has embraced an aspect of her appearance that may make others shy away from public attention. Admirable, all in all."
Having said his piece, Nanami sat back and effectively gave Todo room to express himself. Ijichi glanced quickly over at the brash young man, eyes widening as he took in the strange quality of his expression, which had changed during Nanami's short evaluation of Takada. Todo's eyes had completely glazed over, his mouth spreading into an alarmingly dopey smile.
Ijichi cleared his throat.
"Uh ... Todo?"
In order to make sense of Todo's subsequent actions, we must now take a small jaunt through the foreboding wilds of his mindscape. Join me, reader, as we brave the current of his powerful ego, traipse across the harsh plains of his formative youth and scale the towering cliffs of his ... charming personality, until we arrive at our destination.
Here, we see a rare sight; Todo at his most vulnerable, caught in a daydream that can only be induced by individuals who leave a strong and favorable impression on him.
No, this isn't normal. Yes, Nanami is the cause this time. Yes, we shall see where this dream leads, because here we are at its beginning.
In the beginning ...
Todo leaves home in a huff, slamming the door behind him.
"He just doesn't get me! And I don't get him! Why can't he just get off my damn back?"
The furious expression on his face makes others cross to the other side of the road when they see him. Todo goes through his day, as any rough and tough youth, jumping fences, taunting gangs in the area, and of course, pining over Takada-chan because he knows his strict, traditional father won't accept a tall girl like her. He'd probably say something about her looks being too 'unladylike' or not 'delicate' enough to make for a proper, modest wife. All code words for 'too tall'.
And what the hell was that all about anyway? Who cared about height? Todo himself was tall enough to make her height a non-issue.
Grumbling, Todo made his way home and slammed open the front door, announcing his presence before taking the stairs, two at a time. A short while later, a knock came at the door.
"Whaddaya want now?"
The door opened, and Father came in. The tall, blonde man looked nothing like his son and seemed nothing like him personality-wise either. He folded his arms and stood in the doorway.
"What have I told you about your tone?"
"Piss off if ya don't got nothing to say."
"That is grammatically incorrect. Double negatives - "
"God! Do you have something important to say, or what?"
There was a slight pause before Father took his spectacles off and clutched them in his fist.
"Son, you can't go on like this. I received a complaint from the school today, that you've started yet another fight. Haven't I told you many, many times than the men of this family handle themselves with dignity?"
"Dont start with me! I was ... I was protecting Takada-chan from harassment! So there! And don't even try to say anything. I already know what you're going to say. I haven't told you about my feelings for her for a reason, until now! You'll probably take one look at her and tell me that she's too tall to be a proper, traditional wife! And you know what? I don't give a shit! Even if I have to leave this house and make it on my own - "
"Wait."
Father was holding up a hand, stopping Todo's tirade in its tracks.
"Did you say ... Takada-chan?"
"Yeah! Got something to say about it?"
"Oh. Then that must be the same young lady who visited our house earlier, while you were out."
"T - Takada-chan? Came here?"
"If I'm not mistaken, she's rather tall, as you described."
Todo's eyes widened, his fingers clasping and bunching in the fabric of his school uniform jacket.
"But ... what did she want?"
"She wanted to express her gratitude to the boy who saved her. Her hero. And I assume that she was referring to you."
Todo's face darkened as he glanced down at the floor.
"So you've seen her, huh? And I'm guessing you think she's - "
"A very well-presented and articulate young lady. Very lovely too. I have to say, son, I can't believe a girl as bright and good natured would look on you so favourably, but there we have it."
Todo's head shot up, gaze scouring the stern planes of his father's face for any signs of deceit.
"You ... you like her?"
"Naturally. She is ... how do I put it ... a most engaging and a refreshing change from the overly traditional, is she not?"
For the first time, in many, many years, Todo spied something in his father's eye that was warm and open, something that brought to mind the hot chocolate they'd shared over a campfire, the long evenings curled under blankets and watching action movies together, a strong, but gentle hand on his head when he was downcast.
This was ... the true face of his father. The man who lurked just beneath the cold shell. He'd forgotten. And the word sprung to Todo's mind, a word he hadn't uttered in ever so long ...
"Papa?"
Nanami and Ijichi stared. The manager cleared his throat.
"Uhhhh ... Todo? Are you ..."
Reality seemed to reassert itself in the student's face, and boy, was the change thoroughly disconcerting. Todo's surliness evaporated in an instant, and he was now looking at Nanami as if the older man had agreed to pay for every meet and greet that Takada held for the rest of her career.
"Ha. I knew there must be something more to you. My little brother Yuuji wouldn't talk about you like that if there wasn't."
Nanami raised an eyebrow.
"Yuuji has spoken about me?"
"Of course he has, Pops. He's my best friend! He tells me everything."
Nanami was frowning now.
"Did you just call me ... Pops?"
"Somethin' else you prefer? Maybe just straightforward Dad?"
" ... I confess myself confused, Todo. I'd prefer if you just called me Nanami. Also, I was under the impression that Yuuji's best friends were Fu - "
Ijichi coughed loudly and slammed his file on the table.
"Shall we talk business then, Todo? Why don't you tell Nanami here about the details of your request."
The mention of the actual mission they were supposed to be discussing sobered Todo immediately. He pondered for a bit on where to start, before coming to a decision.
"So, if anything about this is going to make sense, you need to know about my hobby. I'm a writer. I've actually managed to publish some of my stuff! It's something that just helps me unwind and relax. Get the creative juices flowing. Gets my heart pumping and my combat instincts riled up. Just a way to express all the thoughts that are running through my head, ya know?"
Ijichi began to look uncomfortable again, and shot a sideways glance at Nanami, who nodded slightly in understanding.
"I agree that it's important for sorcerers to have some kind of outlet or hobby. And congratulations on publishing your work, by the way."
Todo beamed, and the change from aggressive and highly intimidating battle hound to eager puppy that lapped up praise was quite reality-bending.
"Thanks, Pops!"
"That's Nanami if you please."
Ijichi cleared his throat.
"Todo, will you please explain to Nanami how this writing hobby of yours is relevant to the mission?"
"Well, that's the thing. See, there's this guy who's been something of a fan. He's been buying my books from the very beginning. I started writing some time back, but only started publishing the finished stories last year. So, I've got about eleven books out in total. And he's bought every single one. Wrote detailed and amazing reviews about them on every platform too."
Todo grinned slightly in recollection.
"I mean, who needs marketing when you have this guy, know what I mean? So, a month ago, i put a new book out. Same old process. Never heard a thing from the dude. I didn't think much of it at the time. Thought that maybe he got busy or something."
Todo shrugged and sipped from the cup of coffee that Ijichi had brought him earlier.
"Anyway, two weeks ago, the new book got reviews, posted all at the same time, across different platform. It was this guy. Or ... I guess, someone using his online name. The review sounded really weird."
Ijichi, who was rapidly taking notes on his tablet, paused and looked up.
"Weird in what way?"
"It sounded like a ... bot writing. I dunno. Just not his usual style. And he also made demands about what he wanted to see in the next book. This guy never does that. He's even told me many times in emails how annoying he finds it when fans don't know how to just enjoy stuff."
Nanami nodded slowly.
"What happened then?"
"Well, a few days ago, I started getting letters in the mail. Very strange. I mean, apart from things I've ordered online, I've never used the postal service. They were letters from him. All the same demands he wrote online, but even more of them! And that's when I felt it. Traces of cursed energy on the paper."
Nanami sat back and inhaled deeply.
"You think there's something foul at work here, then?"
"Absolutely. I've got the letters as proof, and I've received more of them since. The traces grow stronger each time. And as for what's written on them ... "
Todo's arms folded once again.
"It's gotten worse. Unhinged. I think this guy is in serious trouble and I need to find him before it's too late."
Ijichi paused, tapping his stylus against the screen of his tablet.
"Todo ... please don't take this the wrong way, but ... why did you not go and investigate this mission yourself? You're a certified grade one sorcerer, and your school would definitely allow you to go ahead and - "
"Because I needed help!"
Todo's shout startled Ijichi so badly, that the stylus in his hand clattered to the floor. Nanami looked perplexed, as seemed to be the trend for this meeting.
"But then, why not ask - "
"Because none of those bastards like me!"
"They don't ... like you?"
"No. Buncha morons over at my school. Did you know that they don't even like my best friend? I bet none of them have your experience and know-how, Pops."
"Nanami. And that still begs the question, why did you think you needed - "
Todo leant forward across the table, and for the first time, took on a mature and serious aspect.
"Listen, these past few missions, especially with what happened to Yuuji, have taught me something. Strength will only get me so far. For a mission like this, I can bulldoze my way through, but my fan might get hurt in the process. It needs to be a properly conducted investigation, something your college has more background and resources to pull off. Not to mention, I had a look at your files when I found out who'd be helping me."
For the first time, Todo's eyes met Ijichi's. The latter seemed rather surprised that his fly-on-the-wall status had been revoked.
"You ... looked us up?"
"I did. Ijichi, you have tech skills that will come in handy. I need to trace this guy, because all I've got are online communications with him, and this recent paper trail. Pops, I've heard from Yuuji that you've taken on many investigations like this. I'll need your experience on this too."
Todo sat back and the cocky grin reasserted itself on his face.
"But if you guys need any heavy hitting done, I'm your man."
Nanami sighed and chose to ignore the improper title given to him this time.
"Very well. We'll take on this mission and assist you. But first, we need some basic details. Can you show us the communications received from this fan of yours? Maybe direct us to some of the reviews he's written?"
Ijichi's shoulders were tense once again. He tapped his tablet and handed it to Nanami.
"Ah ... here. I've taken the liberty of finding the webpage where Todo's books are advertised and sold."
Nanami took the tablet. He stared at it for some time. Ijichi was now sweating slightly, even under the strong air conditioning. Todo was trying to look unconcerned, but he was obviously watching Nanami's face eagerly for his reaction. When the stoic sorcerer finally looked up, Todo sat up, leaning forward.
"Well? How are my titles? They match the content and my own persona really well, right?"
Nanami, for once, seemed speechless. He polished his glasses again, unnecessarily, while Ijichi dug through his pockets for an antacid lozenge and avoided everyone's gaze. Finally, Nanami found his voice.
"Todo ... you write ... erotica?"
"Oh, sure. One hundred percent horizontal boogie woogie! And vertical too, ya know? If that's what you're into."
"Where did you ... source your material?"
"Oh, I've spoken to loads of people all over Tokyo and elsewhere. The art of sex ... " he paused with a small flourish, " ... is a universal language."
Ijichi found the lozenge and popped it into his mouth. He was going to bloody well need it.
