#tokiblog

[tokinfile]

Nothing is unimportant.

People are not content, and they are not measured by value. They are not data, they are not numbers. We’re creatures that cry when we’re sad and bleed when we cut.

（日本語テキストはこちら | Click here for Japanese version）

People with difficulties in their lives explain their experiences, but are misunderstood, and end up in another difficult situation. I have been hearing many such stories lately, and it is frustrating.

How many times do we have to repeat these frustrations before we can reconcile them with the circumstances surrounding them?

It is often said that the words of those involved are persuasive when promoting understanding of illness, disability, and other difficulties in life. I really dislike that. I think it is cruel to ask those who have already been injured to explain themselves. I also think it is arrogant to affirm it as a solution.

If you are interested in the issue, the person asking for an explanation must also be a party to the problem. Why is one party playing the referee in the audience while the other party is bringing an already exhausted person on stage?

Also, in this case, “persuasiveness” is for whom and for what? What will happen to the people on the stage if we fail to persuade them? Or rather, how will they be “treated”?

I once wrote in a blog that “understanding of minorities and the difficulties they face in life is slowly but surely improving. But I was wrong. What has spread is not understanding, but only recognition. And what was fostered was not mutual understanding for the sake of coexistence, but the exclusion of those who were deemed “incomprehensible” by the majority.

In some cases, of course, this is not the case. But taken as a whole, it is true that we are moving in a direction that makes one want to lament.

No,thisis not “move.” It would be more accurate to call it a regression.

Still, it is heartening to know that there are people who fight on without losing hope. I want to be that kind of light like them.

Every day I wonder what I can do in a society that is regressing and going crazy. To cherish those who are close to me, to cherish the everyday things that are close to me. For a while, I thought that was the least I could do.

But what is the difference between living each day that way and settling for the status quo? I don't know anymore.

In the past, someone might have noticed. But now, someone might even say, “If you can't stand up, throw it away. It is cruel.

The pain and sacrifice associated with change is inevitable. In theory. I know that, but I am heartbroken and want to be angry at each and every event. I don't want to get used to people's pain. People are not content, nor are they measured by value. They are not data or numbers. People are creatures that cry when they are sad and bleed when they are cut. I don't want to be indifferent to that temperature.

[tokinfile]

We can chat before the story's end.

In conversations with others, when I am emotionally involved, thinking over, or digging deeper into the conversation, I sometimes feel myself in the past or in a “time that might have been”.（後半に日本語文があります）

It may be my imagination of the other person that brings it up, or it may be a flashback.

The other day, after talking to friend like that, I was surprised to find myself suddenly confused on the way home.

I feel like I'm losing my footing and it's faster to give up than to resist. I wish the “now” would hurry up and pass, that whatever it is, it would pass already! I felt as if I were praying.

I was surprised by this feeling, but I also had a faint feeling that this might be important.

I usually get angry at things that hurt others. However, I think I have not been in a place where I myself have been hurt for a while.

For the first time in a long time, I remembered the tightening feeling of disgust in my chest, and I realized that the words “other people's pain” that I had been uttering recently were only images. Because it didn't hurt this much. In the image.

Hating myself, and hating the world.And don't want to depend on anyone, but I want someone to help me, and I almost lose my temper.  For me, these feelings are the starting point of my work.

There are a lot of words that sound nice, like cheering people up or helping them, but I want to think of things from a tiny perspective as much as possible. And I want to talk from there.

With the people who are there, with myself who used to be there, and with all the background that created it.

It won't be a pleasant conversation, but at least I want to make sure people don't die there. If we get through this place, we'll be able to have a pleasant conversation, so let's chat for we survive together! I want to say that.

I can't talk like that with many people, but my work might make them talk like that. I want to make something like that. I feel like I am making it.

Maybe I will be able to deliver a new piece of comic work soon. Oh, I'm really nervous!! I hope that my work can talk with you.

人との会話の中で、感情移入をしてみたり、俯瞰で考えてみたり、わからないなりに「なんでなんで」と踏み入ってみたりしていると、ふと、相手の向こうに、過去の自分や、“あったかもしれない時間”を見ることがあります。 もし同じ経験をしていたら…という想像力からくるものかもしれないし、記憶のフラッシュバックなのかもしれません。

先日、そんなふうに人と話したあと、帰り道に突然なんだか「わー」という感じになってしまって、驚いたことがありました。 足がすくむような、諦めた方が早いような。抵抗も反抗もどうでもいいからとにかく早く「今」が過ぎてくれ〜という感じ。 唐突な混乱に驚く一方で「ああ、たぶんこれは大事な事だな」ともぼんやり思っていました。

ニュースを見たり、人の話を聞いたりしていて、誰かが誰かを傷つけるという事に私は頻繁に怒っています。ただ、自分自身が傷つくところにはしばらく立っていなかったんでしょう。 久しぶりに、身に染みるような“いやなかんじ”を思い出して、最近自分が口にしていた「他者の痛み」というのは、イメージでしかなかったのだなと気づきました。 だって、ここまで痛くなかったもの。イメージでは。

自分が嫌いで世界が嫌いで、誰も頼りにしたくないのに誰かに助けてほしくてキレそうな、こういう目線がきっと自分の原点なのだと思います。

人を元気づけるとか助けるとか、聞こえのいい言葉はたくさんあるけど、私はやっぱり、なるべく、低くて重い目線からものを考えたい。それで、話したいです。 そこにいる人と、かつてそこにいた自分と、それを作り出した背景全部と。 それは楽しい会話ではないかもしれないけど、少なくともそこで人が死なないようにしたい。ここを乗り切ったら楽しい会話ができるようになるから、死なないためにおしゃべりしよーよ。という感じ。

そんなふうなおしゃべりを、誰彼なしにする事は出来ないけど、自分が作るものはそれをしてくれるかもしれないから。そういうものを作りたい。作れているような、気がします。 いよいよ、たぶん、もうすぐ（ってずっと言ってますが）新しい作品が、お届けできると思います。ああ、本当に緊張するな。 作品が、ちゃんとあなたの話し相手になってくれますように。

[tokinfile]

walking on no eternity

In the past few days, I've experienced something very happy and something very sad.（後半に日本語文があります）

 Two days after I woke up thinking, ``Such a wonderful thing could come into my life,'' I woke up thinking, ``Maybe that sad story was just a dream,'' and I was in a daze for a while.

I realized that events, body, and mind are all separate.

At first I couldn't believe what had happened. But in my head, I think of reasons and stories that make sense to me. However, when I feel dazed or feel unwell, I finally realize that ``Oh, this feels like happiness!'' or ``This is so sad that I can't accept it.''

The story I wrote at the beginning, both happy and sad, is about a person who has had a long-standing relationship with me from the past. Regarding both stories,I thought that the distance between me and them would not change, so I was surprised to find out, ``is life be updated?''

Until now, I believed that I was the one to forge my own path.

But lately, I've started to feel that I'm not the only one who decides how I want to live my life.

The presence of the people who support me and the people I meet sometimes determine the direction of my life.

What we take for granted and what we perceive as normal are actually made up of small miracles. That's why when you're sad, cry, and when you're happy, let's dance and have fun.

Life isn't always okay, nor is it always bad.

ーーーーーーーーーー

ここ一週間で、夢みたいに嬉しいことと、夢だったらと思うほど悲しいことがあって、「あんな素晴らしい事が私の人生にやってくるのか」と思って目覚めた朝の２日後に「あんな悲しい話は夢だったのでは」と目が覚めることになり、しばらくボーっとしていました。

実際の出来事と体と心は全部別々なんですね。

最初はにわかに信じられなくて、でも頭の中では自分が納得する理由やストーリーを考えて。とはいえなんとなくアタマがいつも通りじゃなくなって、ようやく「ああ、これは嬉しいって感覚だ！」とか「受け入れないほどの悲しさだ」という気持ちに気づく。

先述の嬉しい事も悲しい事も、過去からずっと続いてた関係の人の話なんですが、どちらももう距離は変わらないだろうと思っていたので「ああ、人生っていうのは更新されるものなんだなあ」とかぼんやり感じています。

20代の頃までは、自分の道を切り拓くのは自分だ！と真っ直ぐに思っていました。

でも、その切り拓き方を決めてるのは私だけじゃないんだ、と最近よく感じます。

〇〇さんが見ているから頑張ろうとか、××さんがいるのにこんなこと言ってらんないな、とか。「自分で」というより、その方向に切り拓くことを選択せざるを得なくなる。

それを他者依存と言うのかポジティブなモチベーションとも言うのかはよくわかりません。ただ、頑なに、私が私を生きるぞ、と思わなくても、そういった流れに自然に乗っても大丈夫なんじゃないか、あるいはこれまでもそうだったのかも、と思うようになってきました。それもまた、他者によって「思わざるを得なくなる」ようになった結果でもあります。

当たり前も、普通も、いつも通りも、本当は小さな奇跡みたいなもので出来上がっている。だからこそ、悲しい時は泣いて、嬉しいときは踊るみたいに浮かれよう。

人生はいつも大丈夫なわけじゃないし、ずっとダメなわけでもないのだ。

[tokinfile]

Power is not always justice

The other day, when I was watching the news, I was surprised to see the headlines ``McDonald's retreating from DEI'' and ``Meta abolishes fact-checking'' at the same time.（後半に日本語文があります）

It was shocking to me that the values ​​we had built up until now could be so easily undermined by money, business, and negotiation.

The trend in society that to think, ``Because of this situation, I have to  more power.'' instead of ``Let's stand together in this situation,'' makes me feel very sad.

As a result of using power, the value of power is reproduced and reinforced. Thinking about it makes me feel heavy.

The idea of ​​valuing power is felt not only in the press but also in daily life.

For example, when talking about social care for people who have difficulties in daily life.

When we talk about nursing care and social security, we often hear people say, ``Let's help them because I might become vulnerable in the future.''

I always feel uncomfortable with this word.

This is because it sounds like the idea that if they have the power (if they are not weak) then they can make it someone else's problem.

"Power'' is not something that everyone can obtain. I feel uneasy about the trend in society that places importance on this.

However!

While there are many discouraging events, there are also many encouraging events and people who give us hope! I hope that by building on that light, I can somehow pass on that light to others.

I'm just confused!

But I also think that if I stop wondering, it will be over.

ーーーーーーーーー

先日、朝起きてニュースを見たら「マクドナルドが多様性施策を縮小」「メタがファクトチェックを廃止」という見出しが同時に目に入ってびっくり。

いずれもトランプ氏の大統領就任を意識したもののようですが、これまで築いてきた価値観が一国の…というか、お金やビジネスや“力”のために、こんなあっさり衰退していくって！やりきれないな。

こういうとき「こんな状況だから協力しよう」ではなく「だから、自分も力を持とう！」という流れになってしまうのが寂しい。力が幅を効かせた結果、また力の価値が再生産され、強化されていくのか…。

この、力に価値を置く考えは、報道だけじゃなくて日常生活でもよく感じます。

例えば、障害や生活の不自由を持つ人へのケア。しばしば「自分だって将来、弱者になるかもしれないし、弱い立場の人へのケアは必要だ」という言葉を聞きますが、あれに私はいつも違和感を覚えるんです。

「力を持ちうる（弱者ではない）うちは他人事にしてても良い」というのが見える気がして。

その考えが必ずしも悪とは思わないけど、既に力を持っていない人（今後も持ち得ない人）にとって、その考え方が与える静かな理不尽さは、絶対にあると思います。

そんなわけで、強い力を持つことにやたらと価値を置く今の潮流に危機感を覚えずにはいられません。

とはいえ！落胆する一方で、励まされる出来事もあり、希望となる人だってたくさんいるのです！

その光を礎に、自分も多少なり、その光を別の人に渡していきたいな。

迷ってばっかだ！でも迷うのをやめたら、終わりだとも、思うのだよ。

[tokinfile]

A whisper of resistance, a flag of rebellion waved with a hunched back

I go for a walk, depressed by the unpleasant news... I came across this sticker at a store when I was looking for a change of pace.（後半に日本語文があります）

I feel relieved when I come across people and place displaying political messages while out and about. （Of course, the goal is for each problem to be resolved）

In other words, the reason I can't let my guard down is because when I talk about social issues, people sometimes say things like, You're very conscious of issues,'' orThat's the kind of person you are.'' (It is often accompanied by ridicule). I'm afraid of being distanced from myself like that.

Recently, I have often seen and heard about ``excessive consideration'' and an aversion to the voices of minorities.Every time I hear such words, I feel scared, as if a knife is being pointed at me.

I tell other people, ``You should say what you want to say!'', but I'm not very good at it myself. I feel more strongly that I want to remain silent so as not to be attacked.

Actually, I'm basically disappointed in the current trend that says ``it's okay to ignore small voices'' and my inability to stand up to it.

But life is too long to spend feeling discouraged. And you never know when your life will suddenly come to an end due to disaster, illness, etc. At that time, you don't want to die with dissatisfaction and regrets. I often act or create works with this in mind. It's not like I'm the only one who has a special personality that cares about social issues, or that I act because I'm highly conscious. I just do it because I need it to live in peace.

However, when I walk with my head down, feeling discouraged and resigned, I often meet people who walk with a ray of hope. And, It's too embarrassing to sayI'm giving up'' in front of these people! ” I thought and started walking again. I feel that these people are really keeping me alive.

I can't be the personality to shout out loud. However, I think it's not such a bad thing that there are people in this world who don't stop walking even though they're nervous like me.

Sorry, but thank you as always.

ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー

「ニュースを見ても怖い話ばかりだな」とメソメソしつつ、お出かけ…。 社会派アンテナはオフにしよう…と思いつつ立ち寄ったお店でFree　Palestinaと書いたステッカーを貼ったお店に遭遇。勝手に「同志〜〜〜！！」みたいな気持ちになっていました。

こうして、出先で政治的メッセージを掲げている場に遭遇すると、何かほっとします。（もちろん、それぞれの問題が解決されることが目標ではありますが…） ほっとする──、つまり、普段ほっと出来ないのは自分の中に、そういった課題に言及して「意識高い人」「気にするタイプ」とか言って線引きや忌避をされることへの怖さが染み付いているのだと思います。」

最近は「行きすぎた配慮」とか少数派の声への忌避感をよく見聞きします。そういうのを聞くたびに私は自分にナイフを向けられるようでヒヤッとします。私は他人に「言いたいことを言った方がいい！」なんて言っていますが、正直な話、自分自身がそう出来ているかというと、微妙…。「攻撃されないように黙っていたい」という感覚の方が強いです。

私はそんなふうに、小さな声は切り捨てて良いとする風潮や、そこに堂々と抗えない自分に、基本的に落胆していて、あまり希望を持っていません。 ただ現実的には落胆したまま過ごすには人生は長すぎる！そして、災害とか病気でいつ何時、思いがけず人生が終わるかわからない…。その時、不満や後悔を抱えながら死ぬのは嫌だなあ。と思い、しばしばアクションを起こしたり作品を作ったりしています。

「気にするタイプだから」「意識高いから」そうしてるんじゃないのだ。 安心して生きるのに必要だから、そうしているだけだよ〜。

ただ、そうして落胆と諦めの中とぼとぼ歩いていると、先の道で希望の光を持って歩く人としばしば出会うのです。 そして「こんな人達を前に「諦めてる」なんて言うのは恥ずかしすぎるな！」とか思ってまた歩き始める。そういう人たちに私は本当に生かされていると感じます。

胸を張って大声を出せるタイプだったらかっこいいけど！！ こんな及び腰でキョドキョドしながら、それでも歩いている人がいるというのも、まあ、そんなに悪くないんじゃないかなと思っています。 すみません、でもいつもありがとう。

[tokinfile]

Where the vanished voice goes

The other day, when I saw that my friend was depressed, I felt I had to say something, so I ended up giving her some common words of encouragement.

Japanese ver. is here

声の行く先｜Tokin

この間、友達（Aさんとします）が落ち込んでいるのを見て、何か言わねばと思ってつい、ありがちな励ましの言葉をかけたことがありました。 具体的な話は書けないのですが、その帰り道「ああ、なんかベタなことを言ってしまったなあ」と思った一方、ふと気づいたことがありました。 私がAさんにかけ

(I can't write a specific story. Sorry!) 

On the way home, while I thought, “Oh, I said something goofy,” I suddenly realized something. The words I had said to the friend. It is the word that I had tried to say to other one in the past, but had stopped.

More than a decade ago, I was about to say those words, but I held back, thinking, "But I shouldn't say those words. And now I can't  never see him again.

Those words are just trivial everyday words. There is no point in disclosing them now. But I realized that I had kept a strong regret inside me all these years that I should have said those words.

I very often regret “I shouldn't have said that” after I have said something out loud. So I rationally take care not to say anything unnecessary...". But when I think about it, where do my true feelings, which I have suppressed with reason, go then?

If it's words like that that I can't handle, I'll probably regret whether I say them or not.

However, before I put labels on my true feelings, such as “it can't be helped,” I should at least allow myself to think to myself, "I really wanted to say it.

[tokinfile]

Our dish might not be here.

Recently I have been talking to others about what I want to do and how to do it.

Japanese ver. is here

ご用意されていない｜Tokin

ここしばらく、やりたいことを話して練って、それを現実に反映させるにはどうしたらいいかずっと考えています。 昨年あたりからなんとなく、今の続きで辿り着ける場所と、もっと遠くに自分が見ている場所が違うような気がしていました。 やりたいことが見えてきた、などの意欲的なモチベーションと

In the last year or so, I have lost hope in a future that I can reach by doing the same things I am doing now.

I have my doubts about the state of our society these days, in a world that is so coated in hate and fakery, with lies and truly messed up meaning and value….I am clearly outraged, far past the feeling of…….

So, I no longer have any expectations or trust in the future beyond where I am standing now and the existing routes provided by society.I can't trust and expect.(Probably many people do.)

However, what came out of that frustration was the idea of "creating" rather than "choosing" a path or place.This was the idea.And I think that the trial and error might be a hint for someone to live.

Specific actions are still in the planning stages.However, I plan to make our public eventually.I am aiming for such a development!(It doesn't mean that I will stop being a painter!) I cannot see a breakthrough in the sense of stagnation and insecurity that is prevalent today.

so,I don't want be waiting, I want to create. Maybe it can't change the entire society, but I want create a hole that a few people can pass through.

Before you and I are left with an irreparable hole in our lives!

[tokinfile]

Applause alone is not enough. (Though it is.)

I am still working on my paintings every day, but the more enthusiastic I become, the more impatient I become with the paucity of what I can do.

日本語はこちら

手持ちのコマをあなたに！｜Tokin

相変わらず毎日こつこつ机に向かっていますが、熱心になればなるほど自分でわかり得るものの少なさに焦燥感を抱いてしまいます。 というのは、絵や漫画のスキルというより、それを書くための経験値や知識。 メンタルヘルス関係の制作仕事が多いのですが、精神科だったり、メンタルケアの重要性を知

I am still working on my paintings every day, but the more enthusiastic I become, the more impatient I become with the paucity of what I can do. It's not so much the drawing or cartooning skills, but the experience and knowledge to write them.

I do a lot of drawing work related to mental health, and it is the result to the cause that makes them think about the importance of mental health care. And when I look at the causes, they are truly diverse, and I am stunned at how much I didn't know.

I have no choice but to do what I can do, but sometimes I get stuck in a feeling like “I'm doing it, but (what I can do) is not increasing at all.” In reality, there is some increase. In terms of work alone, I am a creator, so naturally, I leave the area of expertise to the experts. But I can't say “I'm not a professional in that area, so I don't have to do anything” when I see people actually being hurt.

I used to say, “For those who are in need, painting and art are of no use. It doesn't make money, it doesn't provide medical care.” I had blurted this out to a friend who works as a psychotherapist. I remember what she said to me at that time, “But people can't live with only what they need. That is certainly true. A simple conversation with a friend or a simple “I see…” can have a greater impact on me than medical treatment. There are also many paintings, art, and music that have saved me.

I often tell people, “I'm praying for peace of your mind.” In truth, I think to myself, “What good is just praying?”.

I have no idea what is the best in this case. I'm sad that maybe my voice can not reach to you.