Summary: You've loved Azriel for over a century, patiently waiting for him to get over your cousin Mor, and he does- but not with you. On Starfall, you find a distraction.
Warnings: angst, slut shaming, smut, sex as self harm (let me know if I missed anything)
Words: ~4.9k
Author's Note: I hope you guys like this one, I even edited it for you (like the first time ever lol) Title is from a Taylor Swift song, her and Az may not be in a relationship but it's def how she feels - oh and Starfall in my head is always around like. New years for some reason so that's when this takes place lol. Let me know what you think and if you'd like a second part!
18+ only pls
❄️🤍💔🤍❄️
The first thing you saw when you awoke was snow. Snow on your balcony, snow on your windows, snow everywhere. Dread filled you at the sight, the once joyful flakes turning to an insidious frost that crept through your veins, turning your already dying heart into a frozen wasteland.
Winter used to be your favorite season. It had meant playing the snow with your brother and adoptive brothers, warming up by the fire with mugs of cocoa, and spending the entirety of solstice together opening gifts and playing games.
But that was before.
Before Amarantha’s rule, before Feyre Archeron and her sisters burst into your life, turning everything that you’d known upside down.
And of course you were grateful for all that they’d done for your family and your court. Feyre had saved Rhys in more ways than one, saving him from staying the shell of a person he’d been after returning from Under the Mountain. And Nesta and Elain had helped end the war, something that you hadn’t been able to do.
But you… You were still you. Powerless. Weak. Useless.
And now, as you’d come to find out, easily forgotten.
For the past five years, you’d felt as though you could disappear, and no one would notice. Rhys was occupied with Feyre and Nyx, Cassian with Nesta, and Azriel with Elain.
There was no room left for you, not anymore.
You’d already declined to join them at the cabin this year, knowing that the jealousy festering in your heart would only grow at the sight of your family enjoying their time, barely interacting with you. You could hardly stand to watch every one of your family members be in love, while you’re all alone, and the holidays only made your disappointment that much stronger. The only upside to staying back in Velaris, however small, was that you wouldn’t need to ignore how you were ignored, especially by Azriel.
Rhys, you understood. He had a young child and a mate, it’s natural for other family members to fall to the wayside a bit. Cassian had his own mate as well, and while you’d always considered him a brother, you knew that he didn’t truly have a duty to check in on you. And your cousin Mor had finally found love with Emerie, who you personally suspected to be her mate.
But Azriel? Elain wasn’t even his mate, and he’d still abandoned you for her. You had thought you meant more to him, at least enough for him to continue talking to you, to keep up with your weekly brunches when he was back in town.
Oh, how wrong you were.
Once they had gotten together, it was as though you didn’t exist to him anymore. Azriel didn’t check in with you after missions anymore, leaving you to wonder about his safety until you happened upon him or asked Rhys.
You sat alone for every meal that wasn’t a family dinner.
No one checked in on you anymore.
If you disappeared, no one would notice.
You rolled over in your bed, wings fluttering as you turned away from the winter wonderland that threatened to blind you. You were better off sleeping, waiting for spring to come.
❄️🤍💔🤍❄️
Starfall was fast approaching, and Velaris was still coated in a thick layer of snow. You wrinkled your nose every time you saw it, wishing you could burn it all away, skip Starfall altogether this year.
But as Princess of the Night Court, you were expected to be there with a pleasant demeanor and a pretty dress, one of the symbols of how well the court had recovered after the war with Hybern. Dress shopping had been fun at least, though you’d chose to go alone this year. Thankfully for you, your favorite seamstress, Pearl, had become a good friend of yours after your parents’ passing, and was always delighted to spend an afternoon chatting with you while you tried on as many of her gowns as you wanted. And at the moment, you trusted her opinion more than any of your family members. She’d spent over four hours helping you in and out of nearly every dress in her store, cheering you up the entire time until you were laced into the perfect dress.
“You know, I really do think you’ll catch the Shadowsinger’s eye this year Y/N,” she had giggled as you tried on the last dress she had picked out for you. “You look like a vision in this, a true Princess of Night.”
You had agreed with her completely, feeling more like yourself than you had in five years as you stared in the mirror. The gown was lower cut than you usually wore, with two-inch thick sleeves that fell off your shoulders, and the lacing was low enough to keep the base of your wings free. The bodice clung to your curves with starbursts of silver smattered about the dark fabric, the layers of the skirt falling in waves of midnight blue and constellations that shimmered under the light. It was another masterpiece that Pearl had made, and perhaps your favorite to date.
While you knew it was unlikely that you would ever gain Azriel’s affections with Elain in the picture, not without revealing what tied you together, you couldn’t help the tiny spark of hope that burned in your chest at the thought. You’d carried a flame for Azriel for over a century now, but you’d never acted on it, not while knowing that he was in love with Mor. And then… The moment someone else came along, someone just as pretty as Mor, he had fallen for her.
A joke that the Mother had played on you, but certainly not the last.
Two years ago, on a random Tuesday morning, Azriel had passed the salt to you without needing to be asked- and that’s when it snapped. The mating bond. The burst of warmth and overwhelming happiness you felt as the bond fell into place quickly washed away as you watched your mate’s hands, those beautiful, scarred hands, touch Elain.
It should be you.
And when Azriel had turned back to whisper something in Elain’s ear, her cheeks flaming a moment later, you were left to sit there in silence, tethered to the male in front of you and cursing the Mother for her cruelty while he flirted with her. Not you.
It would never be you.
❤️🔥🧡🤍💙💔
When the morning of Starfall arrived, you made yourself busy by making breakfast, helped by Rhys once he, Feyre, and Nyx had awoken. The kitchen was avoided as soon as Azriel and Elain walked in, cheeks flushed and scents heady. It had made your stomach churn, and you’d offered the remainder of your breakfast to Cassian, who was more than happy to eat it.
Decorations were next on your list, if only to give you something to do besides sit in your room, dreading the night. But of course, Elain had wanted to help with those once she had finished eating. You made it through an hour of willing the House to grow sparkling icicles and bunches of frost covered flowers before Azriel entered the room, heading straight to Elain. One glance of his lips on her neck and you were gone, done with pretending to be normal until you had to.
Your feet carried you down to the library, the smell of books and dust instantly calming your senses. How many hours had you spent down here sitting between the stacks, reading whatever books caught your interest? Hiding away from your father when he went into a rage, or sitting at the tables with Azriel as you read silently across from one another? You couldn’t even begin to guess, the endless shelves having felt more like home at times than the palace above. And now you were here again, seeking refuge from the discomfort of your life.
A sigh left your lips as fingers slipped over the spines of the books in front of you. How pathetic do you sound? You would guess very- after all, this couldn’t be the first time a mating bond snapped when the other would never love them back. And you refused to trap Azriel with a mating bond, knowing that he would rather be with anyone else if not for his obsession with having a mate for himself.
Fingers plucked a random book from the shelf and feet carried you to one of the comfortable armchairs in a secluded corner. The spine crackled as the cover opened, eyes attempting to read the text before you. They were blurry with tears, unable to make anything of the letters swimming on the page. Useless. Just like the rest of you.
You closed the book, breathing in deeply. The smell of the library washed over you once more, settling into your bones and instilling your mind with the same silence the room held.
Maybe you would just sit here quietly, staring at the walls until it was time to get dressed. You held the book up in front of you, the magic of the library putting it back in its rightful place a moment later.
You settled into the chair, sinking deeper into its cushions as you counted your breaths until they were even, your eyes falling shut and wings going slack.
“Y/N!” The shout of your name woke your from your half-sleep, curled up in a chair. “Why are you sleeping down here? Guests have already begun to arrive,” Azriel said, clearly annoyed with you.
“I must have fallen asleep,” you said with a yawn, hand raising to cover your mouth eyes your eyes flicked over his outfit quickly- he looked dashing in his Illyrian robes, colored a dark sapphire as they were every year, even if the cut of them changed.
“Get upstairs, now,” Azriel ordered as he approached you, grabbing your hand and yanking you out of your chair. “I can’t believe you’re sulking like a petulant child, Y/N.”
“I’m not sulking, I fell asleep, Azriel,” you scoffed, pulling your hand out of his grasp. You began walking to the stairs closest to your room, ignoring how closely Azriel was following you.
“Oh really? Is that why you’ve left every room I’ve entered today? And have given Elain the cold shoulder ever since you met her?”
“Oh my gods, Azriel!” you yelled as you spun around, the tips of your wings brushing against Azriel. “I am disappointed that I lost one of my oldest friends! Ever since you started dating Elain, you have no time to spend with me. I don’t even know if you’re alive half of the time anymore! I have to ask Rhys!”
Hazel eyes rolled to the ceiling before fixing you with a judgmental look. “You can’t even be happy for me, can you? That I finally found someone to love me back, and I’m no longer stuck being single and miserable like you!”
The sound of skin on skin echoed through the library, your hand stinging from how much force you’d put into the slap that landed on Azriel’s cheek. “Don’t. Follow me,” you hissed at him before stomping away, legs working overtime to put more distance between the two of you, just in case he was stupid enough to chase you. Tears threatened to fall the entire way to your room, held at bay only by the thought of strangers, or worse, your family, seeing you crying in the hallways.
The second the door was shut behind you, a waterfall of tears fell down your cheeks. You knew now that you meant little to nothing to Azriel.
Two years of feeling every time that he and Elain coupled, every emotion he had that flung down the bond. Two years of being tortured by your “best friend,” your mate. Yet hearing that he was miserable being your friend- somehow that was worse.
He can’t even tolerate your company anymore, shouldn’t that tell you to give up?
The hurtful words came from you this time, heart breaking as you lost all hope for your mate to love you, to even spend time with you. And you should give up. It’s fruitless, attempting to hold onto the vast nothingness left between the two of you.
You let your tears fall for another minute, wiping at your eyes with your sleeve. A few steadying breaths later, and you were able to stand and make your way to your vanity. Makeup went on like a second skin, sealing away your insecurities and hurt, changing you into the happy Princess you’re supposed to play tonight, hair following suit as you pinned it in an elegant updo.
The minimal magic you possessed was only good for a few things, one of which was tightening and tying your own dress laces- a blessing, in times like these when you had no one to rely on. The beautiful gown, the one you thought might appeal to Azriel in some small way, still looked lovely on you. But you felt that the person inside was ugly, unworthy of wearing something made with such detail and care.
You shook your head to clear your thoughts, sitting down to slide into the glittering, dark blue heels you’d bought for tonight. One last glance in the mirror showed that you looked to be royalty, even if you couldn’t stand to look at your face right now, lest you see the sadness in your eyes and start to cry once more.
The party was in full swing when you arrived, throngs of people milling about the House of Wind. Residents of Velaris greeted you as you passed, and you shared a few words with each before moving on, slowly working your way to the table laden with wine, wings pulled in tightly.
A glass or two or three should set your mind straight, at least enough for you to enjoy the streaks of color that will race across the sky any time now.
Finally, you made it to your destination, picking up a glass of faerie wine and downing it in two gulps, pleased when it refilled itself automatically.
“Well, what a pleasure it is to see you here, Princess,” a silky, low voice greeted you from your right. You turned your head to see Eris, his amber eyes trained on you. “And without any annoying guards this time,” he added with a charming smile.
You studied him for a moment, taking in his shoulder length red hair and russet robes, the cut of them exposing the toned muscles of his arms. His power was stronger than the last time you’d spoken with him at his coronation four years ago, full of warmth and comfort. “I thought I could fend for myself tonight," you replied, lips lifting at the corners. "I'm surprised Rhys invited you this year, after flirting with Feyre so much last Starfall.”
“I do enjoy complimenting beautiful ladies, though the thought of annoying Rhysand was the main draw,” Eris said with a smirk, eyes flashing with amusement. “And speaking of beautiful ladies, you look absolutely ravishing tonight, Y/N.”
Your cheeks turned a light shade of pink at the compliment. “Thank you, Eris. I have to say that you look rather handsome tonight. Traditional robes suit you.”
“I do look good tonight, don’t I?” Eris asked cockily, grinning wide when you nodded. “Say, since we both look so regal, would you care to join me for the main event? The sky looks more beautiful when you have someone to watch it with, especially someone as lovely as you, Y/N.”
He was bold, no doubt about it. But his boldness had you extending your free hand, skin delighting at how warm his grasp was. “I would love to watch the sky with you, Eris. So long as you don’t mind keeping me warm on the balcony,” you added with a smile, one that was quickly returned.
“I believe I can manage that, Princess.”
“Good. Now, let’s find a spot before all of the good ones are taken,” you said, gently tugging Eris in the direction of the balconies, pleased that the pulsing of his power helped clear a small path through the crowd of fae. The two of you found a spot off to the right, with only a few fae hovering in the vicinity. “Right here will be perfect.” You slipped your hand from Eris’s hold to rest your forearm against the stone in front of you, lifting your wine glass to your lips and taking a deep sip.
The fire-haired male placed his back against the stone, eyes watching you. “You know, I’m surprised you haven’t gotten married yet,” Eris said bluntly, his words making you choke on your wine. “Hey, I didn’t mean for you to choke,” Eris chuckled.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” you laughed once your lungs were clear. “I just- what makes you so surprised about it?”
“For one, you’re beautiful- more beautiful than any other fae here tonight,” Eris said with sincerity before continuing, “And for two, you’ve never had a shortage of eyes on you at any event I’ve attended. I thought you would have been wooed by a worthy male, at this point- or do you prefer females?”
You rolled your eyes at the question. “I like males well enough, Eris, there just… Hasn’t been one that I’ve been interested in.” The lie tasted bitter on your tongue, a taste that not even another sip of wine could wash away.
Eris regarded you closely for a moment before letting your lie slip past. “I suppose that makes sense. After all, who could be worthy of the Princess of Night?”
Maybe it was the wine, or maybe it was the fact that you were being listened to, being complimented. Whatever it was had the words tumbling out of your mouth and into the space between you. “Perhaps a High Lord of Autumn would be deserving of me.”
Eris raised a brow, a sensual smile on his lips. “Really? Would you like to test that theory?”
“Tonight?” you asked, heartbeat kicking up to a faster pace, your scent tinged with arousal.
“Only if you’d like, Y/N.” Eris lifted his hand to your face and gently tucked a stray strand of hair behind your ear.
The male who you’d only known to show cruelty was gone, replaced by one whose fingers warmed your skin and voice sent heat to your core. The smell of him was pleasant enough, crisp apples, fallen leaves and bonfire smoke. Not like your mate’s but… What did that matter, anymore?
You heard the crowd gasp as the sky to your left lit up with the falling spirits, but you paid them no mind. Instead, you downed the last of your wine and tugged Eris by the hand once more, this time leading him to your bedroom. A small part of you hoped that the colorful sky would keep anyone from noticing your absence, but most of you wished that they would notice, that someone would care that you were gone.
It was quiet, in your room, the only sound was that of two heartbeats and two pairs of lungs as anticipation built.
"I like your room,” Eris said softly as he closed the distance between you, his hands landing on your waist. “It suits you.”
Suits me? Your room hadn’t changed in a century, still covered in the stuffed creatures that Rhys had bought you before Amarantha, your desk strewn with various fabrics and yarns. It didn’t feel like your room anymore, it felt like it belonged to the part of you that had begun dying five years ago.
“Thank you,” you breathed, unwilling to push back what you wanted- what you needed. It might be unfair to Eris, to sleep with him when you had no intention of being in a relationship, but it didn’t seem like Eris would care all that much. You pressed your lips against his softly, pleased by the way he took control of the kiss for you. One of his hands drifted to the small of your back, pulling you close to him and your breath caught- you’d never had someone take charge of you like this before, always too afraid to hurt their Princess. You’d felt more like a delicate porcelain doll, sleeping with them. But Eris?
He knew what you wanted. What you needed.
His other hand came to cup the back of your head, tilting you back to deepen the kiss. Your hands flew to his shoulders to steady yourself, though the strength of Eris’s grip on you had you feeling safe already.
It wasn’t bad. But your soul was recoiling at kissing not your mate, begging you to stop, to do anything but this. It might be akin to self harm in the long run, what you were doing, but you didn’t care. Not when you’d felt your mate doing exactly this, night after night after night.
Why couldn’t you do the same?
You tangled your fingers in soft red hair, attempting to pull Eris even closer, to drown out the pain in your heart with the pleasure you knew he could give you. You let Eris guide you to your bed, lay you down and push up the skirts of your gown, press his tongue flat against your sex. What did it matter, if your heart was elsewhere?
Everything else flew out of your mind when he pressed two fingers inside of you, long digits eagerly searching out the spots that made you squirm underneath him, tongue teasing your clit. You gave yourself over to the way that Eris made you feel, sparks of pleasure following every brush of his skin, heated arousal threatening to burn you whole if he stopped.
It was the angle of his fingers and his mouth suckling on your clit that sent you over the edge the first time, and you mourned the loss of his touch until he was settled between your thighs, dragging the tip of his cock through your folds. One hand gripped your hip, the other keeping him stable over you, just above your left wing, and he was careful not to touch the sensitive appendage.
You didn’t speak, only canted your hips up to meet his, ready to know exactly what Eris could offer you. He smirked above you, eyes flashing as he sank into you slowly, watching the way your eyes fluttered shut. “Feeling good, Y/N?” His question was soft, whispered in your ear as he filled you to the root.
The soft laugh you let out turned to a moan when Eris started moving. “Fantastic,” you breathed, arms wrapping around his neck to pull him closer, capturing his lips in a tender kiss.
The grin Eris wore when you parted was prideful, the press of his hips intoxicating, keeping your mind from straying too far, from feeling the pain buried deep beneath pleasure.
You lost yourself in him, taking all that he had to give until you were falling into another orgasm, drawn out by the snap of his hips as he chased you over the edge, seed spilling inside of you.
You should feel warm, shouldn’t you?
A shiver spread through you when Eris pulled away, summoning a cloth to his hand. He cleaned you off gently, such a far cry from the male you’d thought him to be. You laid still on the bed as he fixed his clothing, steadying your breathing while you felt numbness seep through your veins. Somehow, you fixed a smile to your face when Eris helped you stand, a soft expression on his own.
“Should we rejoin the celebration? There might be a few spirits left to fall,” Eris said softly, fingers once again brushing a loose lock of hair behind your ear.
“That sounds lovely,” you replied, offering your arm to Eris. You knew that your hair was likely to be rumpled, the layers of your dress slightly askew, but Eris had been a fine partner tonight- he deserved to see at least a few minutes of what he’d come to the Night Court for, and you’d be happy to give him that in exchange for the distraction he’d offered you.
You took one last look at your bed, duvet wrinkled from your coupling before closing the door. Shame filled you, at not being able to be patient for your mate.
No wonder he doesn’t want you.
“I don’t want to sound too forward,” Eris started, “But I would greatly enjoy seeing you again. Whether we repeat tonight or just talk. You seem… Lonely.” Tears welled in your eyes- so even he was able to notice, after only a night with you.
“I guess… I am,” you said quietly. “I thought I’d hidden it well enough.”
Eris tilted your chin to look at him with two fingers, a knowing look in his eye. “You did, but a lonely heart can always sense its kin. If you ever need someone to talk to, or make love to,” Eris added with a wink, “I’ll be waiting.”
“Do I send a letter, or…?” you trailed off with a soft laugh, one tear escaping and trailing down your cheek. Eris swiped at it with his thumb, cradling your cheek in his hand.
“A letter, or you could fly or winnow in. I’d be delighted to see you any-”
“HEY!” a voice shouted from the end of the hallway that led to the party. “Get your filthy hands off of her, Vanserra!”
Azriel was by your side in an instant, ripping you from Eris’s touch and dragging you a few feet away from him. You swatted at his bruising grip on your arm, with no luck.
“Let go of me, you brute!” you yelled at him, pinching the skin of one of his wings- dangerous, but effective, seeing as Azriel dropped your arm the next moment. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Y/N? Fucking Eris of all people? Do you want to be nothing but a broodmare for the bastard?!”
Your breath caught in your throat at the accusation, but you didn’t get a chance to respond.
“That’s funny, seeing as you are the only bastard here, Shadowsinger. I suggest you leave dear Y/N alone, she’s been an adult for over four centuries now and can make her own choices,” Eris said in a cold voice, the mask back in place.
“I suggest you leave before I kill you,” Azriel snarled, earning an eyeroll from Eris.
“Don’t be so idiotic, Shadowsinger. You do remember that a threat against me is a threat against my court, do you not?” Azriel didn’t respond, shadows whipping around him furiously. “Do remember what I said, Y/N. Perhaps I’ll see you again soon,” Eris said with a wink before walking away, leaving you with Azriel.
Your mate who only cared for you when it would cause you more pain.
“What were you thinking, Y/N?! That you’d fuck a High Lord and suddenly be happy for once in your miserable life?”
Your palm stung after meeting Azriel’s cheek for the second time that day. “That’s enough, Azriel! I have done nothing to deserve the way you have treated me today! All I’ve ever done is try to make you and everyone else happy, but that isn’t good enough anymore, not without the last name of Archeron!”
Hazel eyes narrowed at you, burning with hatred. “Nothing? Really, Y/N? How about sleeping with the enemy!"
"Eris is our ally, you idiot! And what does me sleeping with him have to do with anything?! You treated me like trash earlier, and now-”
“Now I’m treating you like the stupid whore that you are! You can’t even be bothered to keep your legs closed, and for what? Revenge?” Tears welled in your eyes once more, the bond in your chest being flooded with hatred and rage from Azriel’s side, impossible to ignore.
“What would I even be getting revenge for?” you asked, voice small. You felt like a child being scolded by their parent for something that they didn’t do, but would bear the punishment anyways.
“For your entire family being happy and in love, while you sit in your room, alone and drowning in your misery. You’re pathetic.”
Tears poured down your cheeks at his words. “If I’m so pathetic, then why do you care? Why punish me when I’m already miserable, as you say?” You asked through your tears. “Why not just let the misery do its job, and take me out of your life for good?”
For once tonight, Azriel was quiet.
“Don’t ever speak to me again,” you said with as much anger as you could muster, turning away from him and slipping through your bedroom door. The smell of sex greeted you, only making your tears fall faster.
He’s right. You’re pathetic, using another male to try to get over your mate.
Jealous. Whore. Pathetic. Miserable. Every insult Azriel had hurled at you was true.
There were only two options that could save you from the torment of being tethered to him.
Break the bond.
Or die.
You didn’t particularly care which it was, not now.
Lay the table with the fancy shit, and watch you tolerate it -> When the dinner gets cold and the chatter gets old -> silent dinners, bitter -> you finally left the table, and what a simple thought, you’re starving ‘til you’re not
Who will come into my kitchen and be hungry for me?
you say you don’t want a boyfriend, but you know that’s not true - Charlotte Green/the voice - Anaïs Nin/the unabridged journals of Sylvia Plath - Sylvia Plath/tolerate it - Taylor Swift/the unabridged journals of sylvia plath - Sylvia Plath/the unexpurgated diary of anaïs nin - Anaïs Nin/ @treebloods/@lovebeing-a-girl/@ sanwtch on instagram/ @onlyanothermundane/@tullispink/I am an observer, but not by choice - @fatimaamerbilal/the prophecy - Taylor Swift/criss cross - Lynne Rae Perkins/Vladimir Mayakovsky in a letter to Lili Brik/what I could never confess without some bravado - Emily Palermo/little weirds - Jenny Slate
ok but price and simon could give such tolerate it vibes.
him with a younger partner. he finds your naivety and youth charming. you look up to him, and you can’t believe someone older and wiser is with you.
you met him when he was on leave, and things started getting serious after a few months, but then he was facing deployment again. so, with teary eyes and a broken heart, you watched him leave and promise you’ll write every day.
he chuckles and nods his head, placing a chaste kiss to your hair before slipping away.
you do write him everyday, and at first it’s endearing how worried you are. you don’t know what’s happening, and you’re so concerned— and he appreciates that. find it charming, even.
he comes home from that first deployment and you’re there, waiting with a battle hero’s welcome. streamers and balloons and a fucking cake you baked yourself on the dining room table of his flat. you, beaming brightly and clutching your hands together in glee, waiting by the door.
he laughs it off, tells you he appreciates it, but it was unnecessary. you tell him you think he deserves more.
time passes, and the charm of your naivety and doting loses its shine. you’re boasting to all your friends about your man, how amazing and strong and brave he is. and he tolerates it, laughs it off.
the next time he comes home from deployment, you’ve decorated your now shared flat. the whole nine yards because it’d been a longer deployment. his favorite meal, hot and fresh on the table. a bottle of his favorite liquor.
he can’t help but be annoyed. it was cute at first, and now he doesn’t understand it. he doesn’t care for the festivities— he’s done things no man should be proud of, yet here you are, celebrating him.
he doesn’t want to fight, so he tolerates it. puts on a smile, eats a few bites of dinner, and slips away for the evening. you frown but don’t question it.
soon it’s like you’re living with a shell of the man you loved. he’s quiet. gone a lot. barely affectionate. when the two of you talk, it usually ends in an argument. he won’t introduce you to any of his friends.
you still shower him with love, talk his ear off about plans and your day and whatnot, and he nods along absentmindedly.
your friends tell you he doesn’t deserve you. you’ve basically become a live-in housemaid that he occasionally fucks. you don’t believe it at first, but you come to realize it’s truth.
your love should be celebrated, not tolerated. you should be with someone who loves you as much as you love them.
the next time he’s on deployment, you move out. pack all your shit into a u-haul and move in with a friend for the time being. leave a note stained with tears on the dining room table.
he gets home from deployment, expecting what’s become normal. you, waiting anxiously by the door, jumping into his arms as soon as he’s inside. the smell of dessert or his favorite dinner wafting from the kitchen. balloons and streamers and confetti.
the house is dark when he steps through the door.
part two here, part three (ending version 1) here, part three (ending version 2) here
