It would be good if my parents understood and related to my internal world more. They just don't know how to value it. What's more, I'm not certain how to defend against their accusations (live in the real world, stop thinking and do something for once, them acting as though my thinking is a pastime, them misunderstanding that me thinking is me trying to get something done because I hate not being able to decide these things). I would talk to them about it but their answers just don't work for my particular problems because they don't understand how my mind works. They cannot appreciate it. Now I've shown my Dad my thought diagram (which I posted) it's just been added to the list of 'pointless' things I do that he rattles out whenever he thinks I'm being lazy and not getting anywhere. Then there's the issue that - assuming I found someone who actually understood me in real life to have this conversation openly with (because all the emotions I have bottled up with it will come out because the gates are either open or shut at levels like that and are indescriminate as to what they let loose) - I am likely to just add it to the list of factors I consider as opposed to actually using it to do something.
See, I don't feel as though I can talk to people about what shouldn't be difficult issues. While they accuse me of being lazy they don't understand that I'm trying to figure out a way of being in university before I'm twenty, getting my extra A-levels done in one year and figuring out a fucking life path without costing them 15,000 pounds or fucking my life direction up when all they go on about these days is how income's dwindling and public sector pensions are disappearing. I don't want to cost them that. (A digression: I'm slightly jealous of less well-off families because they fall into categories where they get discounts but people don't seem to understand that when people earn more they find more to spend it on so they probably don't have that much more free cash than those in the discount sections... not that I'd know because I don't handle money yet) I would rather go and live in some shitty little flat somewhere because I'm overly self-punishing like that. I'm really hard on myself for what others would see as no reason. I set myself stupid limits like YOU CANNOT GO TO UNIVERSITY AFTER YOUR LITTLE SISTER and YOU MUST GET THE TOP GRADES OR YOU ARE A FAILURE (by definition of which, I might add, I fail most of the time these days) and then beat myself up for it if I don't achieve them. Sometimes I wish my little sister wasn't as good as she is because she's only a year below me and if she does something before me I consider myself a failure because I haven't done it in the same time or quicker. I find it hard to see the point if I won't be better because I'm the older sister here. I should lead the way and figure it all out. All of it.
I'm kinda envious of those who don't find the puzzles and create the obstacles I do. The world must be so much easier and simpler for them... I get stuck on questions because I'm not sure of the exact definition of a word. Heck, once on a science test I got stuck because it asked me for my name and it wasn't clear on the format; capitals? Initials? Initialled first name and complete last name? Full name? What do you want?! Alternate capitalisations?!? Should I beat myself up so much? I think a possible negative of having a good mind is that one can more easily find holes in one's own thoughts and pick and choose with experiences and taught concepts to specifically cut away at one's mind.
To summarise, I feel trapped about this whole 'next year' issue and my thought pattern is stuck on this same cycle of self-loathing, self-restriction, actual restrictions, missed deadlines, ambiguity and uncertainty but I can't figure out how to move on with it. Not that I'm asking for help. That's generally not why I write these things at all. I don't expect people to comment (though of course I appreciate it if they do - especially if the comment's worthwhile... does me writing like this make people want to give worthwhile comments? A thought...). I do it to document and to get it out of my head a bit because my mind can only have so much of this in it at a time. There's always at least one big issue at the back of my mind. Plus writing like this helps me to make my thinking more concrete and find answers (have you ever seen me start a post saying I don't know something and then, after a paragraph or two of consideration, come up with a solution?).
On another digression, I wonder whether extroverts would understand why I don't say much when this is how I think and what I think about. While they're talking about the latest colour of fucking nail polish my mind is a blur.